Are husbands entitled to sex?

@gregariousLake2405

Oh my dear! I find him not speaking to you is quite juvenile, selfish, so inappropriate. The fact that he would even ask for "goodies" is so unfair. This was your day, you did it, you pulled it off, you have achieved in the face of adversity, you spoke publicly even though feeling awful with the flu. I bet your were so exausted and sick, you would have turned down "goodies" that would be only designed for you if they had been offered. Gee, if it were me, I would keep my "goodies" on lock down, not speak to him either. You are not just an orifice (or multiple ones). You are not a life support system for a vagina or a mouth. He wants to shut his mouth and not speak, well shut yours too. And cross those pretty legs while you're at it. At this point, I'd be turning off the oven for him, and laundry services and what ever else it is that you so kindly provide for him. I think he should get to steppin' right on back to the florist, and maybe the jewelry store as well (commonly know as the "dog house gift"). And no way would I stop at that. It would require a long discussion as well about decency, respect, and how this made you feel as a human being. Apologies are in order for you! And a lot of them!

as for me I'm tagging @freshLight64 on this. Oh my, this person is fabulous with relationship issues...probably the best listener I have seen on this site for relationship issues. Hopefully they will get the tag and chime in soon. Good luck! Stay strong, and I am so sorry this happened to you! hugs!

@gregariousLake2405

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

I just graduated while having the flu, (Congratulations on your graduation! your hard work truly pay off) sick all day, had to give a speech during the ceremony, which is stressful because I don't like public speaking. (It's normal you don't like public speaking, i don't like them either as well, so i can relate to you on this. I can see it must had taken a lot of courage to do, and you fought it through which shows you are were more than capable of facing this) I had a couple beers to calm my nerves. Husband was supportive throughout the day, delivered flowers, said I did a good job with speech. Both exhausted when we come home. He asked for a blow job. (This is quite a turn off because the connection, bonding and the romance are very important for a woman before engaging in something like this, but in here he wanted to skip all of that. He expected you to be turn on all of the sudden in the same way he was, and thats totally unreasonable, even more so after what you went through that day) I replied that it doesn't take my feelings into account. (It makes perfect sense why you would say something like this, it seems like he was more focused on how he feels and what he wanted than showing empathy for how you felt) My feelings were tiredness and ill from having the flu. (It's understandable you felt this way, it was stressful day + the flu can definetly drain someone energy and make them feel bad) He thinks I'm not actually sick because I drank beer, (He is minimizing how you feel, and taking the "you are not taking me feelings into account" as rejection, so he is using some sort of logic to make you see his point and thus do what he wants. He has insecurities with rejection and has a hard time taking a "no") and I should be drunk enough to do a sex act on him. (This is the behavior of a controlling, selfish and manipulative person. He is mostly focused on what he wants "the sex act", and he is trying to do whatever it takes to force you to do what wants, so he would feel better) He got mad and won't talk to me. (This is stonewalling, emotionally withdrawing, passive-agressive behavior, and childish behavior. His ego was bruised when being told no (This has nothing to do with you, its his past childhood), now his withdrawing his presence and giving you the silent treatment on an effort to punish you (making you feel hurt for his past hurt) and make you do what he wants) I don't think this is appropriate for a husband of twenty years. He feels entitled because he supported me. (He is able to give love and support, but all of it seems conditional. He did some many things and expected something in return.) Help!

@gregariousLake2405

From a male point of view, is your husband "entitled" to sex? No.

Consider this point of view though...

Women, a lot of women, tend to insist that they and they alone are the man's ONLY sexual outlet, period. If they even try or think of going outside of that (including their own self-gratification - masturbation, porn, etc.) they are admonished, guilted, and shamed. I'm not saying that is the case in your marriage, because I can see how the evening went, how you weren't feeling well (beer or not), and perhaps signals were crossed. Now feelings appear to be hurt and you feel disrespected along with potentially feeling a bit used, even without anything sexual happening.

If you are his true only sexual outlet he has, he's going to try with you first. There is *nothing* wrong with asking or trying, and a man shouldn't feel shamed or ridiculed for wanting sex in his marriage. A lot of women, (not sure about you) tend to be submissive and do not initiate sex, thus the burden is on the man to do so. Should he respond by sulking, complaining, or immature responses if you're not in the mood to have sex? No! I'm not sure what your situation is with him sexually, because you didn't go into too much detail, but it is likely that he wanted to have sex with you - not only for gratification but also to feel close to you. It is likely you didn't even consider that. Instead, you decided that his attempt must mean that he is just horny and wants to get off.

While it's a nice fantasy to think that a man will take into consideration all angles of your mood, situation, events of the day, and even signals that your flu may not be as bad as you let on (clearly he was confused) - it's far from the reality. A lot of women mistakingly think that a man should just "understand" and respect whatever is going on in your mind at any given moment but that is far from true reality and actually is quite damaging to your marriage when that notion is fostered.

It is clear that maturity must be had on BOTH sides. Please try to understand where he is coming from and he certainly needs to respect you and try to understand where you're coming from before reacting the way he did. The best way to deal with a night where EITHER of you are not in the mood (yes, men are sometimes not feeling it either) is to communicate with one another in a way that doesn't build animosity or adversity. One suggestion? Offer to make it up to him, once you're feeling better and follow through with a special night that you plan in advance and go all out.

If you're wanting to change his behavior, take time to understand where he is coming from too. If you expect him to know what you're going through, experiencing, feeling - men aren't traditionally good at asking the right questions to get to the root of what is troubling you or what mood you'll be in. We need a LOT of help in that department, I assure you. If you realize that it not one of his clear strengths, then as his wife - help coach him respectfully and responsibly on what you need and how you'd like to work together to resolve the differences you both have in perception or desire.

It is obvious to me from what you wrote that perhaps his maturity is an issue here. That can be addressed by adjusting the way you both resolve your differences, how you communicate, and thus the resolution you both work together to find that causes a win/win.

So, don't beat the guy up too bad - but, do work on your communication bi-directionally. Your sex life together belongs to both of you and must maintain respect, communication, and above all understanding (compassion).