Female 21, married and unhappy with how my sexual life turned out, need outside perspective.
I am Christian, sex was never really a thing before I got married. I did it once before I was married with a serious boyfriend, and I have done other things near to sex but never intercourse. Let’s just say I never had a lack of desire. When I was dating my now husband, it was a constant battle to not do more things with him. We always wanted each other. More importantly, I always wanted him. I am aware and secure with the fact that humans are sexual beings and there is nothing wrong with that, and that it is very healthy, I have always had a strong sex drive and often was more sexual then my male partners. Not your typical -never in the mood female-.
I’m not exactly sure when it started to go away but around the time that we got married, my sexual desire started to decline. It has been one year since we got married and I have really struggled to enjoy sex and to be in the mood. I have a lot of gripes about how the female body is designed, and honestly; I’m jealous of how good it feels for him and how easy it is. It often brings me to tears when I am alone. It’s not as though he doesn’t try anything to help me. At least I think he has, its always hard to say if it’s you or the other person; or something else. I’d like to say it’s me but I don’t know. Anyways, we aren’t talking about that exactly.
I have looked into countless videos, articles etc, about how female pleasure works, how to boost intimacy in your relationship, this to try, do it yourself whatever’s, all of it. I’ve explored, I’ve communicated with him. I’ve had orgasms, it’s not as though I’ve never reached one. But I can’t shake the feeling that my whole life everyone has just hyped sex up, and it’s really not that awesome, like I had too high of expectations. And often times feels more like a chore than anything else. I still get horny, but then I guess I always feel that there’s more to be desired once the deed is done.
Is this just one of those rude awakenings of life? Sex is just there for you and your husband to bond, for him to feel great and you to feel okay or not good at all? And to make kids?
What a life to live.
Not sure what I’m looking for here, just some outside perspective I guess.
@modestHouse8836 I am sorry you are struggling with this and wish you the best in your relationship. I think the huge part of it is that most movies, etc. make it seem like women orgasm from penetration alone, which is actually only about 20% of women. Reading that in this article was really validating for me. For myself, I also had sex later in life, and in some ways that was good because I really figured out how to get myself off with toys/self-exploration lol. What this article describes about "outercourse" really aligns with my experience, since I find that's usually how things work for me. Definitely advocate for yourself if that approach would help you. My current partner said that he is open to me showing what I do with a toy so he can better understand. I feel self-conscious about that, but I think it could really help.
https://www.cnn.com/2017/08/28/health/intercourse-outercourse-sex-kerner/index.html
Same happened to me, we are Christian and waited until marriage. But while we were dating, the urge was present ALL the time. So we had our hopes high thinking of what it would be like. I’d say for the first month of our marriage it was great and had sex very often. Then it got less frequent. We have been married a year, and we make love about once every 1-2 weeks or so, but do “fore play” / quickies a bit more often. At first I was upset that we didn’t make love as actual intercourses more often, since I wanted that “love connection” between us. He was more into quickies and getting it done faster. We are still working on doing things we both like. I have felt how you were feeling too recently. It will take some time to figure out together, but it’ll come with time I think. I honestly have spoken to my mom about this LOL. Me and her are not very awkward talking about these things. I asked her how it was for her in the beginning of her marriage because she also is Christian and we all waited for marriage. She said in the beginning it was like us, only quickies, not really romantic sex that you see in movies and online everywhere.She said that the romantic love making usually comes with age when we mature sexually. I guess that’s how it will be for us too, but sometimes I do crave that now even when we’re young. She said I have an old soul wishing for that mature love, but I guess I have to be patient. Me and my husband have figured out some ways to satisfy each other even if it is quick. You need to be honest and open about your needs. I tell my husband what I need, and he does it for my pleasure. He also tells me what he likes, and I do it to pleasure him. I found that being open about what I need has improved our sex life. He now doesn’t have to ask himself if I’m satisfied, because he knows he’s doing what I want him to do. I guess you can try having a good conversation or a few with your husband. Me and my husband talk about these things almost on a daily basis. He had a p orn addiction, but is now recovering which I’m so very happy about. But I must say, the p orn addiction caused him to be lazy during real sex, and he had trouble being in the mood. I say stay away from that if you want to improve the connection between you and your spouse. That’s just my opinion of course, but that was part of me and my husbands issues.
Thanks for the responses. It’s nice to have people giving their thoughts. I really value a multitude of outside perspective.
While reading people’s thoughts, advice etc. I think that it’s helping me narrow down the issues in my own relationship.
I am thinking that it really doesn’t have anything to do with my husbands performance or attitude (not anymore at least). He’s usually very willing to do things for a very long time to get me in the mood. He usually initiated sex in that way. He will do foreplay things to me, he listens (does his best) to do it how I like and when I tell him I don’t like something he changes it. He’s sweet about it. And at least that is how he is now, he was not always this way, and I do believe that caused A LOT of emotional problems for me when it comes to sex.
If I was not in the mood or it was hurting too bad during and wanted to stop, he used to get upset. Almost like taking a toy away from a child. Trying to coerce me into trying again, to keep doing it, but doing all that while obviously upset. Not taking my “no” with grace. Trying to convince me to do other things just to get him off, after he had already made me feel bad for not wanting to do it. And then giving me the silent treatment after, essentially pouting and and being cold to me.
That behavior caused a lot of negative things for us now. I think that it caused severe anxiety in our sexual relationship. I tense up when ever he touches me or if I even think he is attempting to initiate, if he asks me for sex - I physically cannot get myself to speak, it’s like I am afraid. Even though his behavior has gotten much better, the negative affects still remain for me. And on top of that, our relationship outside of the bedroom is not always great, and I believe that is all what causes me to have an extremely low sex drive compared to my usual self.
(again, sorry for any typos)