History repeats its self (low libido)
Hi,
I am over 40, male and married for 5 years. The past 3 relationships, after 2-3 years in I have less and less libido and after some time the ladies break up with me. The last one( my wife) hasn't yet. In this relationship it happened this way. After I lost my job last year, I started to get more depressed and my libido started to go down. I dont have a need to do anything actually. I am isolating myself since last year. They way we live now in quarantine, I've been living since last year :/ My wife would like to have sex but she stopped asking for it. I watch porn some times a month and masturbate but I never take initiative. I feel I waited to long and now it feels strange for me to take initiative for sex with her. Its like I am feeling afraid that if I do take initiative, I will not be able to perform.
Since they other two broke up with me becouse of this, I am afraid it will happen again. I am afraid to talk to her about it. That my talk will be the start of her going away.
i have no confidance in me when it comes to sex or finding a job :/
At the same time, she is talking of having kids and (she has tried talking to me before) but I am afraid of having kids and then beeing left behind and be an away father.
Its a lot of things I am beeing afraid of mixed with a depresiona and I dont know how to fix this...
I have been talking to a psycologist even in the previous relationships but they still ended.
Thank you for reading this far 
@NewToThis333
The very first step in a situation like this is to see your doctor. They would have the ability to check your testosterone levels (free / total), Vitamin D, and other various factors to rule out anything that may be contributing to your situation that is biological. If the doctor is able to rule out medical reasons, then there may be connections to a lack of exercise, excess weight, and a number of other reasons as to why your libido is suffering.
You've mentioned that this has been going on a while, so it sounds like a chronic condition that should be examined by the appropriate professional and I didn't see anywhere in your post where you'd mentioned seeing a doctor test your levels, so I'd make that a priority before looking at other options.
The other thing is that you should communicate the difficulties with your wife and keep her informed of your progress because taking some action is better than no action at all and if she can see and feel that you're taking the situation seriously and doing whatever you can to regain optimal health then it can make all the difference.
@Sventek
Hi.
Good points. In the previous relationship when I went trough the same period of low libido and motivation, I checked my self and also had low testosterone. I remember I got testosterone patches and I event got Celiasys(like Viagra). That made my hard of course but it made my self asteem even bigger.
i havent been to the doc becouse of corona lately. But I will consider it!
when it comes to open it up to my wife, that is very very scary nd I donw know how I could overcome the fear.
@NewToThis333
So, since you're still experiencing the issues with libido, I'm going to stand firm that seeing the doctor again is really the best option at this point. They did verify low-T, therefore, you're going to want to ask your doctor a few questions when you see him. One of which is, "Is there an underlying reason as to why I have low-T in the first place?" The second, "Is medication absolutely necessary for my condition, or is diet and exercise a better option?"
You may want to check into the blood flow and your heart as well because some ED issues are tied to heart issues.
There is no need to get worried, stressed out, or concerned over any of these medical reasons. The best thing to do is to talk to your doctor about these concerns first, rule them out. Doctors' offices today are offering online skype sessions or web meetings since COVID is here, so you may be able to meet with him virtually. You may want to see if your doctor's office offers that solution.
If your medical doctor is not up to date on all the nuances of low-T or ED, you may request to see a urologist (specialist).
It is important to focus on biological reasons and rule those out prior to working on behavioral habits.
Since you mentioned depression, are you taking any anti-depressants? (Do not give the name, only a yes or no) The reason why I ask is that some depression medications can cause ED or loss of libido. If that isn't an issue because you're not on anything like that, ignore this.
@Sventek
No anti depresents.
I like the way you write and what you write. Makes sense. I will check the doc tomorrow!
thanks!
Any tips on how to aproach the fear of talking to my wife about it?
@NewToThis333
I really do not think that she is going to be too surprised, to be honest. She likely already suspects something is going on but hasn't been able to completely figure it all out yet. To establish a level of respect and trust with your wife, you'd sit her down, without any distractions (no TV, no phones, no anything but just the two of you) and have a heart-to-heart with her. You don't need to tell her every sordid detail, but just that you've suspected for a while that you may have an issue with testosterone, it's not serious, and you're seeking help for the situation as soon as possible and you're committed to working with the doctor to finding a solution that works for everybody.
So this conversation does several things:
1. It shows her that you're being honest and coming forward with sensitive issues, and that is a turn on for a lot of women because they love honesty and openness - at least most do, I haven't met your wife. Use your best judgment on what you tell her, how you tell her, but do remember that it must be done without distractions.
2. It shows her that you've identified a problem and you're going to do something about it.
3. It shows her that you're committed to your marriage because you want her to be happy with your sex life too. Your sex life impacts a lot of things around you, not only sex itself, but it creates bonding and releases hormones that help you both stay connected, happy, and not to mention it can be excellent exercise.
4. It gives hope to both of you that things are not great right now, but there is light at the end of this tunnel in hopes of making things better.
Life is tough, relationships are hard, marriages are difficult -- but, you can muster the courage to communicate with your wife because establishing a level of communication with your wife that is open, honest, respectful, trustworthy, and full of an action plan that you're going to commit to following through are key cornerstones of what makes relationships last.
Good luck with the Doc!
@Sventek
Hi, many months later here and I still didnt find the courage to talk to my wife :/
Since the mood around me changed into better last time I wrote here, i just waited to talk to the doctor as well.
I feel like I am sabotaging my life. Its like I gave up and I am waiting(terrified non the less) for my wife to end the marriege.
Since last time, I still havent taken initiative to have sex and I feel that she now had enough and it will end soon. She even said one week ago if I dont find it strange that we dont have sex. I got so embaraseed that I didnt answer and the converasation died.
Why I am so coward and afraid?
Now I am afraid that even if I open up about my shortcommings and my lack of self esteem and libido, that she will not care and leave me.
i know I have nothing to loose in that case but I am still procastinating and postponong this hard conversation :/
@NewToThis333. i know the feeling. message me.