How do I overcome my phobia of sex?
Okay so I have an issue that I've been dealing with and I have no idea what to do about it and I'm horribly frustrated sorry if this is a smidge TMI I don't know where else to talk about this
I think I have a phobia of sex. I'm scared of it and I can't understand why. I've googled it and people usually are insecure about the way their bodies look, have performance anxiety, sexual abuse, rape, etc. and none of these apply to me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know generally know what to do/ I'm not worried about being bad and I have no issues with the way my body looks
The idea however of my genitals being touched or touching my parter's genitals makes me so anxious I freeze up and feel like I want to cry. We've made out and gotten undressed up until our underwear, but anything further than that sends me into a panic attack
My partner has been working with me and has been so patient and lovely, but I just feel like I'm letting them down. I don't know how to overcome this or why I feel this way. I keep pushing them away on and off because I feel like I'm letting them down and they deserve better with someone who can give them what they want
We started trying to make progress literally just by letting them rest their hand down there with my underwear on and even that is distressing. What the heck is wrong with me I feel so broken and disappointing
@Songbird2526
I can sort of relate to the anxiety you feel. It's been a major issue for me throughout my life but not so much anymore. However, my anxiety/fear/phobia stems from abuse suffered in childhood and the trauma that resulted from it, so my advice may or may not be helpful to you. In any case, it was exposure therapy with someone I felt comfortable with and could trust not to hurt me that got me on the path to healing. I say "exposure therapy" because thats what I consider it, but basically all I mean is that I got naked with the woman I had been involved with and confided in her about my trauma and said I needed help. And I let her touch me, gently, similar to how you and your partner are doing, and eventually (after several weeks/months/years of that) I was able to relax enough to start enjoying it. But my natural reaction is to guard myself and that was the most difficult thing to change. So i guess what im saying is you seem to be taking a similar approach and I encourage you to continue. Just try to relax your body so that you dont associate foreplay with stress/tension. Just make sure you trust the person who is helping you and that theyre respecting boundaries. They should be reassuring and calm throughout the process. And it is a process. I still flinch from time to time and i make sure I disclose my past with them before agreeing to taking things to the bedroom. I know it is incredibly difficult--for everyone--to let yourself be completely vulnerable and exposed to another person. Whether thats physically, mentally, emotionally, or all 3... Its just nature's way of protecting you. But to experience new things requires leaving our comfort zone of safety. At least thats how I look at it. I know this was posted a few months ago but i hope you and anyone else reading this finds it helpful in some way. I wish you all the best in your journey to finding peace
@Songbird2526
First off, you're not broken or disappointing at all. I can kinda relate to your phobia as well. For a long time, the thought of sex just made me so nervous. Mentally, I could not imagine myself having sex or being intimate like that with another person. For me, I just realize that I wasn't ready to have sex.
You might just not be ready for sex and that's totally okay. An important thing to remember is that you're not letting your partner down. Your partner will want you to be ready for sex and want you to want to have it. Your partner cares about you and will want you to feel comfortable. Your partner may want sex but I'm sure they would want to continue to be with you more than sex.
My partner was more experienced than I was the first time I had sex. I didn't know when I'd be ready for sex and I also felt like I was going to let him down because I wasn't ready. We'd kiss and makeup and he'd try to take things further and I'd freeze. I just told him not yet and he was super understanding. He would invite me to spend the night and be like "don't worry we don't have to do anything." It was just super reassuring.
It just sounds like you're putting too much pressure on yourself to be ready for sex because of how your partner may feel. In reality, all your partner wants is for you to want it too. You're not broken or bad for feeling nervous about having sex. You just may not be ready.
if you need to talk with someone I'm here for you ( I had that struggle in the past because of an abuse...) so maybe we can chat
@Songbird2526 - You say you have no memory of past abuse, but It's interesting that only -that- part of your body triggers anxiety. I am wondering if someone close to you may have shamed or humiliated your body when you were younger (without any physical contact). Or if you witnessed family issues where Sx was a big trigger. It could be the anxiety is your body's way of protecting you from something. The mind has an uncanny way of remembering past hurts.
@Songbird2526
Hi Songbird! I totally understand what you're going through here - I have experienced a similar situation and know how physical contact and affection can feel intimidating. However, although you may feel unusual about this, I promise you there are sooo many people who have felt anxiety similarly to you (myself included) and this is an entirely valid and common experience.
@Songbird2526It sounds really hard to feel this way, but what you’re experiencing is not broken or disappointing. Anxiety around intimacy is more common than you might think, and it’s okay to take things at your own pace. It’s great your partner is patient. Talking to a therapist about these feelings could help you understand and work through them. You deserve care and support.
