I (allegedly) cheated on my bf, but is his reaction justified?

TW: Masturbation, Porn, Cheating

Hi everyone.

Sorry, this post is going to be a bit longer.

I did something stupid but the way my boyfriend is handling the situation kind of bothers me and I'd like to hear a second opinion on that, if that's alright.

There's a community - a subreddit - on Reddit where people share erotic and mostly explicit audios. I used to have an account with two audios of me masturbating that I had shared before I met my boyfriend two years ago. I never communicated or had the intention to communicate with any listeners, even when I was still single. I treated it like any other social media account: I posted content, appreciated the feedback but never really interacted with anyone other than liking the comments but ignoring messages from people who obviously wanted to get to know me.

I had completely forgotten about the account until about two months ago. I had to go on a business trip and spent some nights in a hotel. My boyfriend and I live together and since we both also work from home, we rarely spend any time apart. So when we do, I sometimes like to take the chance and masturbate on my own. I know that my boyfriend masturbates so I assumed we had an unspoken agreement that it's okay for me to do it as well. And I guess it still would be if I hadn't remembered the subreddit one night in the hotel room and had recorded myself. It did occur to me that my boyfriend wouldn't want me to do this but since I know for a fact that he watches porn to get himself off and because I never intended to get in contact with the listeners, I assumed - or told myself - that this was something of a grey area. A few weeks later, my boyfriend went abroad for a couple of weeks and I posted a second audio. However, this time the bad feeling won and I decided to delete the entire account shortly after I posted, not knowing that Reddit doesn't automatically delete the corresponding posts as well.

Fast forward to a week later when my boyfriend confronted me with his "findings": He had gone through an old phone of mine which I use with a data-only SIM card when traveling abroad and that he had borrowed for his trip. I'm pretty sure I had deleted the Reddit app among others a while ago to free-up some space so I can only assume that he went deep when he found the posts of an account that I had already deleted at this point. He freaked out, called me names and accused me of cheating. I had posted one audio where I talked about fantasies that I had never intended to share with him because I don't want to live them out and he was - understandably - upset that I shared it with strangers during a ramble but not with him. He told me that he was jealous because other men had listened to me masturbate and how he didn't believe me that I had never communicated with any of them. He accused me of getting off on other men masturbating to my audios because he obviously couldn't satisfy me (his words, not mine) which hasn't been the case since I only cared about the positive reactions.

I should probably mention that he has tried to initiate sexting when we were apart but I didn't want to do it. When I masturbate, I want to be on my own and not be distracted by anyone else. Call me selfish, but this is my self-care time and I don't want to have to deal with anyone else's needs! I don't want to pause to take a picture or to think about what to say or write. This is why rambling on a recorder felt so different: I could share it, but it wasn't live, I had the choice to delete it afterwards and even if I had said some awkward things, it didn't matter because I didn't know the people who listened to it. I also feared that my boyfriend would try to persuade me to live out the stuff I talked about which is exactly what is happening now.

We talked about everything mentioned above and he said that he has forgiven me. We are pretty much back to normal now, but there are some things that don't sit well with me and I don't know if I have the right to feel angry about them or if it's just something I have to deal with, considering everything:

He thinks my actions invalidate his actions, meaning, he thinks it's okay he invaded my privacy and went through a phone, fully well knowing that I hadn't deleted the data. He pretty much denies me my right to be angry at his behavior and blocks every attempt to talk about it.

Even though I have nothing (more) to hide, I feel incredibly uncomfortable when he stands behind me while I'm on my phone, even though I'm only reading the news or scrolling through Instagram and he does that a lot. It's like he feels like he now has the right to control everything I do on my phone. He also obviously avoids to leave me at home alone. He does so in an off-hand manner, meaning that he casually asks me what I'm doing and not in an obvious controlling way.

He calls me a liar and a cheater in a seemingly joking manner. I know that joking around is his way to deal with stuff but it's hurting me and he doesn't stop when I tell him to.

He tries to persuade me into doing stuff in bed that I had mentioned in my audio. Like, I talked about the porn I watched while recording and fantasizing about anal sex (which I'm scared of because I tend to get painful fissures and UTI which he knows) and now he keeps asking me to watch porn together and to have anal sex because "I know you like it". This is exactly why I didn't want him to hear any of it and why I never shared any of the stuff I thought about during sex: I want it to stay a fantasy. But he doesn't seem to get it and constantly makes me feel bad about saying no.

He made me feel bad about masturbating without him. I'm not sure if this is even something he is aware of. Sure, at first he told me that he was angry because he felt jealous about me sharing an intimate moment with strangers. But after that, it became all about how I masturbated without letting him be a part of it. He said that I could've sexted him or that we could've had phone sex or that I could've sent the audio to him (which I didn't for the above mentioned reason). The fact that I masturbated just because I wanted to get off on my own seems to upset him more than anything else. It fits into this narrative he's had in his mind ever since I met him: That he's not enough, that I don't really fancy him and if I say I don't want to have sex because my mind is all over the place (I have ADHD) or if I can't orgasm during sex (which btw is something lots of women struggle with) it's really because I don't think he's attractive. I told me so many times that this isn't the case but again, it doesn't seem to register.

And then there's the discussion on wether what I did counts as cheating or not. He says, that it does for him and I accept that. What I don't understand is how he can still masturbate to porn without considering it cheating. How is he different from the men who masturbated to my audios? Because according to him, I was cheating with every single one of them. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against him watching porn or at least I didn't use to be. For me, cheating is having an emotionally or physical connection with someone other than your partner. I didn't have either, neither does he when he masturbates watching other women. He doesn't talk to them or wants to be with them any more than I wanted to be with the listeners of my audios. I don't want to invalidate his feelings, I'm just trying to understand the difference. It seems a bit hypocritical to me.

I know that I hurt him and I understand, otherwise I wouldn't have deleted the account before he even found the audios. But I don't think it's fair to tell me that he's forgiven me but still calls me a liar (even as a joke) and uses the situation to get me to do what he wants in bed. Am I crazy for feeling like this? Do I deserve this, should I just suck it up?