Stress and Worries Brought on by Having a Fetish
I have a fat/weight gain fetish. I've kept it a secret my entire life and only in the past year opened up about it with a couple close friends and a counselor. The people I told were accepting but it felt as though they didn't truely understand just how big of a deal opening up about it was to me. Aside from that, I constantly worry about how my fetish could impact relationships.
Feel free to share your thoughts, opinions, questions, or experiences.
@CannedPears I think i know the name of this fetish its called feterism i did a project on it in 2016 for my Human sexuality class.
@ladybug238 Do you mean feederism? The broad name for the fetish is adipophillia while feederism is a subcategory of adipophillia.
@CannedPears yeah thats what i meant
@ladybug238 Kinda curious what you found while studying for your project. Most of what I see on the internet about feederism is pretty extreme and/or negative towards the fetish.
@CannedPears um it was just talked about what it was i don't know many or anyone at all with this particular type of fetish.
@CannedPears
Not one of my fetishes, however I can say that you shouldn't feel self conscious about it. Most people are drawn to something be it a less common situation (i.e. fetish) or a bodypart. Just don't let it consume you or be harmful to others. Besides that I am sure there are others out there with similar desires. While they are seen as a fetish because they are focused, they really are just desires which if not over indulged or harmful are okay to have.
@perpetualfear Thank you. Still, I worry that my attractions could inadvertently harm the self confidence of a hypothetical future girlfriend. That and you'd be surprised how often situations are made uncomfortable for me because of my fetish.
A couple years ago I was doing a group presentation on a movie (I think it was some sort of character analysis if I recall correctly) for a collage class. One of my partners (who I had only recently befriended) decided she would wear a costume of one of the characters that she had made in highschool. She mentioned how she had gained 20-30lbs since then (I don't recall the amount she said) and she kept complaining about how tight the costume was and how she had to squeeze into the pants. That had to be the most difficult, nerve-racking presentations of my life.
@perpetualfear Aside from such situations being awkward it also just feels wrong (at least for me) when someone unknowingly says or does something that turns me on especially since it's usually something upsetting to them.
Another friend of mine over the holidays sent a picture via Snapchat of her "food baby". The message and image she had sent was intended to be humourous but instead I found it arousing and I felt wrong and perverted for that.
@CannedPears I'm married to someone with this fetish and have witnessed how difficult it can be for someone to be aroused by something that in general is considered negative. As the spouse, I can tell you how it has affected me since you mention you're concerned about this in relationships.
I was a college athlete and in no way the preferred body type of my husband. We were very good friends and I think he "fell in love" so to speak with me mentally and a little emotionally. He thought I was pretty, but struggled with being attracted to me.
I have a people pleasing personality and eventually I started gaining weight. A few pounds for his birthday. A few more for Christmas. You get the drift. It was the best gift ever in his eyes.
I was never into the fetish myself, but I did enjoy him enjoying it. He opened up more and more. However, at some point years later, I looked into the mirror and disliked myself. How I looked and felt. I've tried reasoning with him from a health aspect, but it's not something he can connect with on a rational level.
I also started resenting him for not being understanding and closing himself off from me emotionally and physically when I lost weight.
I'd like to point out that in no way do I think he is a bad person or wrong. I understand that he has no control over the way it affects him, but at the same time I feel manipulated and guilted into being someone I am not to meet his needs when mine are not met.
He is passive aggressive in how he treats me now and sometimes outright hateful.
So, there is a danger in letting things go too far and having expectations of another person, especially when those expectations are not something they can't or won't meet.
I have no problem with what he likes, I have a problem with him trying to force me to be what he likes instead of respecting who I am.
He can look at bbw and sbbw all day, but I'm who he married and before I ever said I do I made it clear that I was not going to get fat for him. My words and actions didn't align and that made it confusing for him. I'm at fault for not truly understanding that this fetish wasn't roleplaying; it is a lifestyle. I can't just have a big meal occasionally to fulfill his needs. Part of it for him is wanting more and more and more. It can become an obsession and that's dangerous to everyone.
So, my advice is to enjoy it with someone experienced and like-minded. Or understand boundaries and respect them should you find yourself involved with someone who doesn't understand the fetish or is not willing to gain weight. Enjoy a chubby girl or even a supersized one (or guy if that's your preference), but don't objectify them to the point that everything in your relationship is about the fetish.
You could both end up resentful, hurt, and angry with each other. I should have set boundaries and stood firm, but I didn't and my marriage is difficult now. We are both lonely and angry.
It's a very difficult sea to navigate. Lots of storms and choppy water. Not impossible, just not easy.
And there are a lot of people out there with this fetish. They've just been shamed by society into hiding it. Enjoy it, but don't try to force it on others. There are plenty of people who are accepting. The key is in respecting their boundaries when they lay them down.
@suzanne1979 Thank you so much for sharing your own experience with this fetish, it was very insightful. I hope things between you and your husband get better.