Struggling with Crossdressing Husband
My husband is a great guy, partner, father etc. But he also cross dresses and has since a kid. He says it's mostly a sexual thing and I'll believe this as his libido is almost nil when not dressed.
Thing is, thanks to indulging this proclivity a few times some years back to make him happy, now my libido is dead! I'm so turned off him when he's dressed that we've now agreed to remove it from the relationship and he indulges alone when away.
This has helped me not end the marriage as I was thinking seriously about this. I know he's only being himself but it started to feel like my husbands happiness meant I had to be miserable. I'm really not attracted to people who look like women as I'm not a lesbian. So this arrangement is working as my husband is also quite selfish with the dressing and I don't think minds going it alone. But my libido is still dead. I don't see him the same anymore. I just see in my head this guy wearing a dress and make up with a silly look on his face that I guess he thinks is sexy. He doesn't think he looks silly but to me he does. I'm not trying to be mean either - but this is my husband and father of my children. Why does he need to play all these dress up games to get off??
Sorry if I'm offending anyone. I'm just tired of this headspin I'm caught in. I want to find him attractive again, I really do, because as a man he IS attractive but how do I lose the past images of him dressed like a woman?!
Extra info: He told me early in relationship but omitted most of the important stuff like how compulsive it is and how heavily linked to his sexuality it is. I discovered all this, to my horror, quite a few years into the marriage. So this isn't what I expected and if he'd told the truth we wouldn't be married right now and that probably would have been the smarter option :(
We're coming up on our 27th anniversary, and about a year ago I figured out he'd been cross dressing. He's not the neatest guy so finding some of the paraphenalia - he finally "came clean" because finding fake nails or stockings around that weren't mine was unexplainable. A big struggle - this isn't who I thought I married. And the lies and secrecy have broken my trust. So we went to a therapist and I thought we were back on an even keel. Then this week a freaky thing happened - a text message of his showed up on my computer. Picture included, as well as him picking someone up and going to an adult bookstore. So come to find out he's been frequenting those places since he was around 20. At first he was the "reciever" of oral sex. Now when he dresses up, he gives it. And this has been going on our entire relationship. He says he loves me, and he knew infidelity was a deal breaker for me. He sees this as no big deal, he's not having a relationship, doesn't even know the names of the people he's been with. The trust is HUGE for me. How can I trust anything he says? How do we get past this?
@pinkpuppydog853
Hi, I'm in a similar boat...also coming up on 27 years of marriage. However, he told me the night before we got married that he was a crossdresser. I thought it wouldn't be an issue, but it was....for most of the past 20 years, it has been something seperate. He does it on his own, I wanted no part of it. I recently found out he had been sexting with others. He wants to be dominated, which is not something I'm into....and since he never actually met these men, he feels as if he did nothing wrong...it's just a fantasy....I feel cheated on....we are strugglin lately, BUT we are also talking more openly about it and I've been making small steps toward being more accepting...but there are still issues...but again it's the trust...when I first found out about the sexting, he said he'd stop...then I found another one and was distgusted by what was written....it ripped me apart.....we have been slowly coming back from that...but how do I trust again?
@kate121
Its hard isn
@Treelover79
Yes, I would - there are days I deal with it well and other days I feel like the rug has been whipped out from under me. Thank you.
@pinkpuppydog853
Great! Chatting with another wife about all this would be very therapeutic. How do we share email or messages here? And my husband and I have been together 20 years. Ive known parts of this only a few weeks into the relationship, but the full extent of my husbands behaviour only became obvious years into the marriage. I feel duped and hurt and he just gets annoyed and insists the problem is now mine as this is who he is. Not fair, is it. Hopefully we can chat further. :-)
@Treelover79
Not sure how we go about getting in contact without sharing info publicly. But I think it would be helpful. We are on vacation now, and our first night we took advantage of the privacy - no kids around to hear us - to start to hash things out. It has been a tense morning. IDK where to go from here ...
@pinkpuppydog853 same here
@kate121
He tells me it is more normal that I think it is. But having thought I married one person and then finding out he's had this whole secret life (since he was around 20 he tells me now) is unnerving. I've done some research after having some truly honest (I hope) conversations with him, it seems like he has an addiction issue - addiction to porn, and since the advent of the internet where anything and everything, even some rather deviant stuff comes up (different than just having a magazine under your mattress), that is what he thinks led him to exploring the dressing up. As far as visiting the adult bookstores and doing what is done there, that is something he's done since he was 20. This has been hidden until the last week or so when it all came out. He is looking into seeing someone for the addiction issue. He's growing facial hair back, and threw out all the clothes. He realizes this is his last chance, but things are still awkward between us right now.
@pinkpuppydog853 I think several of us should form an online chat group just to support each other
I came across this thread while google searching crossdressing. My husband also does this, weve been married 2 years and have a 16 month old. He experienced some trauma as a child and apparently it manifested to crossdressing as an adult. Our therapist also thinks he might have split personality. Hes so sensitive and flies off the handle at the littlest things sometimes. Hes also very secretive. He tells me he hates it and wont ever do it again. He grew up in a strict religious household and feels shame after he dresses up but every 3-6 months I find some fake email account he created or some picture etc. He only dresses to communicate sexually with others. He loves the attention and hes a very good looking guy. I know he would never meet others in person but he gets off from the conversations he has and it just feels like hes cheating on me. Oddly enough we have a great sex life without him dressing up. Im just not sure what to do. Im in my mid thirties and want to have another baby but I dont think I can do that with him. How could I bring another child into this world while the thought of putting one child through a divorce is already hard enough to bare.
@courteousOrange884 - Thank you for sharing - I know it's not always easy to open up, and I appreciate that you did. It sounds like you have taken a really good step already in seeing a therapist together - are you talking about these concerns with them? Do you meet together as a couple or do you ever have time with your therapist 1-1 where you can bring up things you might not be ready to share with your husband?
You mentioned that the conversations he's having feel like cheating to you - have you talked about that with him? Is there a boundary that you think would make you feel more comfortable?