The feeling of Betrayal
Sorry in advance for the long read. I had recently found out about my fiance's porn addiction. This isn't the first time I found out about him watching that stuff, but before he had made it seem like it was a one time thing due to me being in postpartum recovery. FYI this happened last year. Fast-forward to now and I had this sickening feeling that something was not right. And ever since the first time I had found out about this I felt so ugly with myself. I have been trying to like and be comfortable with myself again but it was so hard to do that knowing he watched porn during a time where I needed him to love me the most. It was very recently that I found out that he was once again watching it without my knowledge. I wanted to so badly be wrong about my gut feeling. I wanted to be wrong but I wasn't. I saw it all and my heart broke. And I cried for what felt like forever until my eyes had nothing else to give. I've felt so drained emotionally. I questioned myself a billion times why I wasn't good enough for him? I've known for a long time I'm not the hottest catch but I was made to believe that I was good enough for him. But besides that I had felt so betrayed, he had told me he wouldn't do it again and yet I stand here re-living this all over again. The day I found out I had waited for him to get home and we talked. I had let him know how much he has broken my heart, my soul and my self image. It was hard watching him break down cause I know he needs help. He finally told me about this addiction. I just wish I had known sooner about it. I wish he would have told me so that we could have figured it out together. My heart hurts and my trust is rocky at this point. We talked about him getting serious help. Because as much as this hurts I still love him. Other than this he's never treated me badly, only with love. And I have hope that we can salvage and save our relationship but I also know it's going to be a long road ahead. My future seems blank right now and I'm unsure of what's to come. I just hope to the heavens that I can get the man that I fell in love with back.
Thank you for reading.
@NovaCat227
Honestly out of odd curiosity i watched some ...........and while the stuff varies and has many different levels most of what i saw the people in them............. girl wise were not very attractive or were fake looking. Never saw any males that were very attractive either... one can only assume how bad ones life is to take that on as a career.
It is not really a comparison or has any reflection on you being enough...or how attractive you are.
i never understood the appeal but i do not get why drug addicts enjoy being strung out either.....
Right, it's not something I can understand ever I don't think. And I agree with what you said mostly but at the same time I've always struggled with my self image. So even if the people in those videos don't look super good I still have always thought of myself of less than in all aspects. So I guess that's why I've struggled with feeling like I haven't been enough for him. And from what I had seen the stuff he has looked at is almost everything. From all races to even anime stuff. It was just really crushing to see it all and knowing this is the stuff he'd rather like and do over me.
@NovaCat227
I can understand ...my spouse cannot perform for medical reasons ........ i internalized it ........felt awful about myself but it really was NOT about me or my looks
i did what i wanted to......... started fitness program i designed to do at home
changed my hair just because ........i no longer care what he thinks as it makes no difference since we are nothing but roommates. i found my beauty inside and now it shows outside...... others noticed.
especially if watching anime/ cartoon it is not about looks........ NO one is a bigger judge or critic of a person as themselves ....on almost anything not just looks ...i hope you see your beauty for yourself NOT for anyone else.
Thank you your words mean a lot. I have been focusing more on myself and our son recently. Trying to find a happy space in this sorrow. I will continue to work on myself for myself. I understand that I've been trying for too long to make others happy when I am not happy with myself and for once I want to be happy with myself. Thank you for your feedback it has put a smile on my face ❤️
I understand how you feel as I also recently found out about my husband's addiction. The feelings of betrayal are painful and I have to constantly remind myself that we are two separate people. Right now I'm at a crossroad of living my life the way he projects himself in our relationship or take on the burden of knowing his addictions that he can only change. About a month ago a man reached out to me because he was being sexually flirty with this guy's wife and gave out this number to her via ***.
He admitted his wrong doing and said this was the first time he's done this. So on top of this betrayal, I'm also coping with his blatant lack of honesty. I'm suffering in silence bcuz I don't want anyone to know