Advice on what to do
Hey I'm in need of some advice please
So basically at the end of 2018 I started talking to a girl i really liked and eventually after months of talking we decided to start a relationship. She really made me happier then I've ever felt and we both were amazing for each other we both said we were in love daily and how happy we were. This Christmas I was planning on booking a holiday for both of us to go to rome as we both loved and talked about going there but unfortunately just over a month and a half ago her mother was diagnosed with cancer and sadly died very soon after. I have been supportive for her and have tried to be there as much as I can initially she shared all her feelings with me but over Christmas she started pushing me and others away I still tried to be there and support her. After the new year we have barely talked and over the weekend she sent me a text saying she needs some time because she isn't capable of giving to a relationship right now. I told her I will give her space and am still available if she wants to talk about anything. I completely understand she needs space and am willing to give her that. I'm just really scared of losing her as I thought we were both perfect for eachother. Is there anything else i can do for her? Because she is pushing alot of people away and is in a dark place. I will respect her wishes and give her space but it just kills me knowing what she is going through and I cant help
Thanks for reading any advice is welcome.
@peachChestnut4099
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
I have been supportive for her and have tried to be there as much as I can initially she shared all her feelings with me but over Christmas she started pushing me and others away I still tried to be there and support her. (I understand you care about her and wish to help her through what she's going through, but theres a chance you might be doing too much. The anxiety might often tell you "I have to be there for her at all cost", but this will push her away even more.) After the new year we have barely talked and over the weekend she sent me a text saying she needs some time because she isn't capable of giving to a relationship right now. (I do feel she is not in the right mindset after what happened, but the constant need of wanting to be there for her and other things are making her feel smothered. Its important to leave her alone because you should want to spend time with someone who will communicate and not push you away) I told her I will give her space and am still available if she wants to talk about anything. I completely understand she needs space and am willing to give her that. I'm just really scared of losing her (Its understandable how you feel, since things were going well between the two of you, but your fear of losing her is making you do way too much for her. Its also important to understand your value, and be willing to walk away when someone isn't showing the same interest as before) as I thought we were both perfect for eachother. (Be careful with this belief...it will activate your anxiety and then you will end up doing so much which will push her away) Is there anything else i can do for her? (No, you already tried and she isn't showing any signs of being receptive to your attempts) Because she is pushing alot of people away and is in a dark place. (This can be considered a red flag...I understand she is going through an horrible time, but someone who is more to the side of a secure will want to talk and receive supports. People who are often on the insecure side will push others away, and would get overwhelmed with other people attempts of helping them) I will respect her wishes and give her space but it just kills me knowing what she is going through and I cant help. (I feel you tried to help her, but the way she is handling things are not correct way. Its just impossible to help someone who pushing you and others away)
@freshLight64
Thank you for your comments. All the same thoughts have gone through my head that you brought up but unfortunately I think with my heart instead of my head. I was rushing when I typed my original post and didn't mention when she started shutting me, her friends and family members out is after she started antidepressants that's when I noticed the biggest change. Since the break we have messaged a couple times about light hearted matters I don't want to push her into talking about something she doesn't want to yet. I really appreciate the response thank you.
@peachChestnut4099
You are welcome. I'm quite curious about what happened after she took anti-depressants, can you tell me more about it? What kind of mental illness she has?
I do understand when you say you think mostly with your heart, it's clear you love her a lot. I do feel that it's actually the anxiety and fearing of losing her are the driving force.
@freshLight64
Before she was prescribed the antidepressants she was very depressed with everything she would drink alot to dull the pain but she was also seeking comfort in the people closest to her and after she started taking them she pushed everyone away and has completely isolated herself. I completely understand she wants and needs space but I've been brought up to always be there for the people you care about especially since she's always been there for me.
@peachChestnut4099
I think that people with depression will at times behave in unpredictable ways, and often their own depression can make them isolate themselves from others. I feel that her backing away is triggering your anxiety, which is making you want to close the distance you two have. You are probably able to seek support and also receive, but she on the other hand might not be that receptive to receiving this. I do understand it hurts though especially when things were going really well. I think it's important to be there for others, but it shouldn't be at the cost of someone pushing you away or putting yourself at risk of getting hurt. You don't have to like how she is handling things, but it's very important to respect what she wants. You have a lot to offer, don't invest into someone who at the moment isn't making you feel valued and important.