Always to Blame
My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years and in those few years everything is my fault. Somehow, one way or another I become the scapegoat for problems. The coffee machine stops working, “well you were the last to use it”, tv remote isn’t working, “what did you press”. I would say about 90% of the time it is unrelated to me.
We are currently in an fight because over the weekend we both were home and he asked me what I would want to do for the day, I responded asking what the weather was supposed to be like. He went on and on that it didn’t matter and that I am no fun for not just jumping up and heading out. I was told I ruined the weekend. Flash forward to now, I am currently taking some medication that really upsets my stomach and we made plans to go away together over the weekend. While I am sitting feeling horrible because I worry how this will impact our weekend he starts about how it’s always me how I always ruin everything, it’s all my fault. I tried to explain that I have no control over the side effects I could get from medication but he tells me it just adds up to everything that I do where it is always my fault.
I love this man with my whole life but I am very tired of always being at fault, always feeling like at any moment something will happen and it will be blamed on me. I am just heartbroken especially over our current situation as it is out of my control and I am feeling terrible as it is, and rather than comfort me regarding a possibly ruined weekend, I am blamed and given the cold shoulder.
@forcefulSea7026
Do not stress it out ..you have NO control over side effects of medication, to be honest even if you were a trooper and did the trip regardless of not feeling up to it.... the minute you had to stop doing something because you needed a restroom etc it would be all your fault there too.
Some people who place blame will never be happy about items or they feel like they do not have fun blaming you for everything is the easy way to not see they are in a rut ....... the Blame game issue is something you may need to get to the bottom of if you want to stay.... believe me it does not get better but becomes a battle of who's fault is it.
@forcefulSea7026
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation and the heartbreak of it all. It sounds like your relationship has fallen into a harmful pattern. If you aren't feeling well or don't want to do something, that is totally fine and others ought to respect your boundary. Especially when it's your partner, so I fully understand how hurt you must be feeling. You most definitely are not to blame for experiencing side effects to medication. In a relationship, everyone involved is supposed to feel seen, heard, loved, and respected. If someone asks a question, only to not like the answer, they have no right to take out their frustration on the other person.
Could you openly and honestly talk about boundaries and let each other know what you want/expect from each other? Or how would this affect your connection?
Also, do you think both of you could look into emotion regulation techniques (for example) as a way to approach this issue as a team rather than you vs. him?
I'm truly wishing you the best, and I hope that you two can reconnect and resolve this long-term.
@forcefulSea7026
I know how frustrating it can feel to be confronted with blame, even when the issues seem to not originate from any person, much less you in specific. Those feelings can compound everything else from self-worth, to motivation, to even the general questioning of one's own sanity.
Despite all of that, you have found a way/ways to find love in your heart for a person who continually puts you at the forefront of issues, leaving you as a scapegoat. I'm very sorry that has happened at all, much less persisted in your experience. I hope that you know that you are worth far more than simply being placed in the position of "blame", especially when you are simply performing a simple action towards your health, with consequences that aren't intentional or desired on your part.
People sometimes try to assign fault when they can't handle the idea of something occurring without an origin that they aren't aware of; they want to feel like they understand the world, and that they have some level of control. And of course, nobody likes to commit errors or feel like they've let anyone down, and it might just be easier to pile that blame *anywhere* else, without consideration of the feelings of those involved.
I know that I'm only finding this post at a point rather distant in the future from when you originally posted it; but I still hope that you've been able to find some effective coping mechanisms, or perhaps even communication techniques to prevent these types of issues from cropping up in the first place.
