BF Sexted another woman
Okay so for background, my bf and I have been together for several years and live together. As with most people we have our own issues and have both struggled with mental health.
I have been cheated on in the past and it is kinda a trigger for me.
I found out my bf had been *** a girl for like a month? They met up a handful of times. Nothing sexual happened, they met up more as friends. I've spoken to her and she confirms that this is true. She sent ***, he didn't but they had few inappropriate conversations about sex and what they liked during sex, kinks etc. He was also very flirty with her, often complimenting her, sexualising her etc. He's hide this from me for about six months and now I've found it and confronted him, he explains its why he's been so depressed, he's apparently riddled with guilt and its making him suicidal. He's explained he was seeking out validation, very low self esteem etc etc. Didn't have any intentions of having a physical or emotional relationship with her and didn't have any feelings towards her, he was essentially using her to feel better about himself.
To me this is a clear boundary crossing, he has disrespected me and our relationship. However, it's not as clear cut as him sleeping with someone else or having a full blown affair. I'm hurt and feel distanced from him but I also understand this isn't about me, so in that way I'm not having a break down because I'm confident in the fact its nothing to do with me, I couldn't have done anything different blah blah blah.
I honestly just have no idea what to do though?! I found out and packed his bags, ready to confront him and kick him out and then spoke to her and him and realised it wasn't an actual thing so have let him come home. He is distraught, he's not sleeping or eating and is anxious about us breaking up. He's clearly stated he regrets it, is sorry and doesn't want us to break up. He wants to work through it and even offered to fully pay for couples therapy.
I've done the maths and know I could afford to live on my own, purely so I knew that I'm not making this decision based on fear of being alone. I'm thinking about trying couples therapy. I don't know how best to manage everything. I'm part considering checking into a bnb for a few nights so we can both have some distance and get out heads straight and so we are both thinking with our heads and not hearts. I don't want to string him along with a limbo of a 'relationship' nor do I want to experience that. Thought about asking him to move back in with his parents and just have a few months apart for him to work on himself and us to access therapy before we kinda continue.
It's all still fresh and I've trying not to be rash and just be respectful to myself and my needs. He says it's in my hands and he will be led by me in what I want the next step to look like.
I just wondered if some impartial people may have views or things to consider in helping me make my decision. If anyone has bee in a similar scenario and how they managed it? Any advice, really!
@charmingWillow3453
Ok so in this internet/ phone day and age people are re defining boundaries and sometimes just IMO making them too narrow.....is chatting or texting cheating ...? regardless if you discuss sexual things
You are smart and you realize it was not about you .......but he needed some sort of affirmation and ego boost ......... are you giving him that affirmation do you make him feel attractive/ wanted not only by you but like he is a catch ? do you ask if there is something he might like to try or discuss sex with him?
i am not accusing just asking ...... because in speaking to groups i work with, Many people do NOT feel this after a time.........If their partner still thinks they are hot or sexy and IF they do think that do they say it .... sometimes affirmation may be taken like it was an obligation compliment and not real.
If i have someone show an interest ......i enjoy it and feel better about myself that can actually been a bonus for my spouse if i felt attractive and sexy ....... Do i quit talking to the flirty guy on the walking path i take because it is some sort of cheating ..... lol .......NO i come home i feel confident and attractive and have a smile ....... this idea that all other people are DEAD to a person once they are in a relationship seems like trying to start an issue over nothing....
I am not sure where some feel they should draw a line perhaps something physical or an emotional connection they no longer have with you ......
i have been on BOTH sides i was cheated on before for real.... and i am in a position now that i might if opportunity came up ( long troubled marriage story) so i am a realist ....... people meed to feel wanted and attractive and i can tell you there are PLENTY of people in relationships that do NOT feel that .... maybe it was we forget to make the effort ......or maybe we hold back because some other issue.
That point in our relationship was very strained, I was struggling with my degree and he was experiencing really low self esteem.
It's not a new thing for him to struggle with sex due to his perception of his body. Previously, I've come onto him when he's been feeling like that and it's not been reciprocated so thought I would just back off to give him space and not make him feel smothered or forced into sexual encounters when he might feel uncomfortable. As we've now communicated that was the wrong thing to do, he needed me to take the lead because he didn't want to come onto me as doesn't deserve me etcetera.
@charmingWillow3453
Common theme.......... the communication is off............ we miss some signs and as a couple we play chicken ............hoping the other one figures out what we want before we feel mad we have to explain what we NEED ...
we might look elsewhere for some validation and sometimes that goes oh so wrong.....you know now and that is great but the next Time the signs will be different......... will we remember to stop and ask
or will it go down as miscommunication again ..... i personally get mad when i have to openly ask for attention when it comes naturally from someone else......
@charmingWillow3453 you are the only one that can set the boundaries for yourself, you may need to reflect on the relation and find any reason for their behavior, and try to fix it if you want.