Basically a telenovela
Idk if I should mention a tw for drug/alcohol mention but its there. Also this is long but I really do need advice on what to do. Sorry.
Ooh boy so let's get into it. I meet this dude (F) in the last few months of junior year. He's cool and he likes stuff I like and matches my energy, and soon I'm telling everyone about him, and since covid killed a bunch of chances to make new friends, he's the only one I have going into senior year. Eventually, he starts flirting with me, and I really like him so I try my best to flirt back.
Now, I'm asexual, and every relationship I've had was me agreeing to a friend. I've never been the one to experience a crush, and looking back at all the times I've said "I love you" to anyone like thats its mostly untrue. F is different, but someone else thought so, too. This girl was our friend, and she was liking F more and more, and then I found out that he had sent her a message that he had previously sent me, about running away to Europe together. Word for word. And soon these two were dating, and I thought hey, maybe I'll get over it and they'll be happy.
But, she ended up being really toxic, and he likes attention and it's his first relationship so he stays and picks up her toxic traits. He continued to weirdly flirt with me, though, and people saw it and told me. But I stayed his friend until they broke up at college. After I told him what college I was going to, he decided he was coming, too, and a week later so did his gf.
So he sticks around me almost 24/7 and the flirting becomes obvious and everyone around me sees it and asks about it and tells me we're cute. Then, I go home for a weekend and he's found someone else to hang out with. She's exactly like his gf, but worse. She has attachment issues and drug/alcohol problems, and soon so does he.
And I talk to him about it. He says sorry, but it means nothing. And I tell him about how I feel, and he tells me he isn't ready for a relationship, and he doesn't know if likes me like that or not and tells me he'll talk to me about it again. And I wait. A month goes by and he has substance problems and my friend tells me one night that that girl he hangs out with has hickies. So I call him and scream at him for everything and hang up.
He texted a few days later saying sorry and that he wants to talk in person and he knows he has a problem and he should've never been high or anything around me and that he never knew I liked him like that. And I tell him it's hard for me to get over him fast but I still want to be his friend and I'd be open to talking in person but I'm really upset right now.
That was two weeks ago, and he texted me on Christmas to say happy birthday and merry Christmas and if it's ok for him to make me a card. I don't even know how to process that. How can he act like this? How could he so obviously flirt with me and leave me to dry? He was my best friend and I've never felt so connected, it was almost like soulmates, which sounds dumb, but that's how it felt. I don't know if I should believe his sorrys anymore cuz he lied to me and everytime he apologizes, nothing changes. I'm so torn up cuz I felt like he really understood me, but he's done me so dirty. Idk anymore and my head hurts and I just want someone to point me in the right direction. Thank you if you can.
@agent5
Thank you for the tw, and I'd be giving the same tw here. Mentions of substance abuse
As a fellow ace, I hear you. It sounds like a really tough situation with him flirting so much and being so close to you in front of others, but seeing someone else. It sounds like he's attracting and staying in toxic relationships and catching those traits, and indulging in substance abuse.
But one thing that worries me is that he is apologising for leading you on and behaving like that, and then having someone else. But the worst part is that looks like his apologies aren't changing anything and it looks like he doesn't meant them, which is a red flag.
(Trying to use gentle language and not accusing anyone, but let me know if it sounds like that. My apologies in advance.)
I know this person was really special to you, understood you and a connection that seems hard to find. If you don't mind me asking, are you ok being a friend with him because of your feelings? If so, gentle reminder that you can take time and think well if he's someone you want to be with.
It is a very upsetting situation for sure, but maybe a wake up call and a time for you to take charge and decide what you want?
As for the right direction, well in life it's often hard to find, but we all get there. It'll all be alrighty, and we're all here for you. I hope this helps.
I think this makes sense yea thank you. It's definitely hard and there's definitely red flags about him, but it's so hard cuz I watched him change from being a really cool person into something I cant recognize. And it's like I cant control him, he's his own person, but it sucks when I knew him as a sweet person yknow.
I'm definitely grappling with if I should still be friends with him or not cuz sometimes I feel better about not talking to him and stuff but then I feel like absolute shit cuz I did enjoy his company and like the connection I had. I don't know if it's worth it in the end. And obviosuly getting over him needs time I just sorta wish I could see the future and see what happens.
Thank you again, though. It really does help and you didn't accuse anyone so you're all good!
@agent5 I hear you, it's hard to watch someone you liked so much and were so close to change like that, and it isn't an easy thing to accept it. But I know you got this, and things will surely get better.
Oh that's totally ok! I completely forget that I'm now legally an adult sorry haha. But you've been so helpful and thank you so much for the help it really means a lot to me!!
@agent5 It's okie no worries at all I'm here for you!
