@L90
My opinion on what you've shared so far, hope it helps a bit to understand from a different perspective.
1. No, she's not a bad person. She has been incredibly respectful to you and your relationship by trying her best to be completely honest and fair about how she feels and why.
2. She is indeed a different person to you. You are naturally easy to please, you are happy to mould your likes/dislikes and fun times based upon a wide range of things among which you find common interests. You are happy enough in her company that what you're doing isn't as important as the fact that you're happy together.
3. She feels pressure to be a different person or "part of a whole" when she is with you for prolonged periods because that is how you function. You function as a part of the couple and are happy doing so, your thought process when you are with her is an automatic "WE" instead of an "I". Her "free spirit" needs the space to be an individual strongly.
4. She enjoys being part of that whole with you but she is afraid to lose the freedom and joy of being her own person. That is not a cost she is willing to pay for loving you. She believes it is possible for you to give up the "I" because you are "in love" and wants to make this the escape route from this unhappy future of becoming only part of the "WE".
If she has moved on, that is her decision. She wasn't ready to commit to being part of something bigger. If the chemistry or just feeling loved brings her back, that is something worth thinking about. Whether it's possible to give each other the space to remain individuals with minimal expectations or pressure. As you mentioned, your trust issues and her frequently slipping up to cause them was a constant source of guilt and strife. It's part of who she is. Your need to trust her in those aspects is also a part of who you are. So perhaps for now it may be best to give this the space it has naturally sought.
I can understand it is devastating to be dropped for no logical reason especially when nothing had happened to precipitate such drastic action, but perhaps she knows her needs a bit better than we can anticipate and knows reaching out for them within the confines of your expectations would lead to avoidable hurt to both of you.
@0m
1. No, she's not a bad person. She has been incredibly respectful to you and your relationship by trying her best to be completely honest and fair about how she feels and why.
I'm not sure she's been incredibly honest and respectful throughout this on/off relationship. It certainly wasn't nice of her to have sex with that boat crew member on vacation when we were dating, or to sleep with her ex boyfriend when we were supposed to be taking a week to breathe and come back and talk about things. It's not very respectful or nice to sleep with one of my best friend's roommates regardless of my relation to them, it's very close to home. It's also not very nice to have come back to me, made a commitment to me, promise me this time is different and she's not going to hurt me, only to dump me completely out of nowhere AGAIN. I know I would be heartbroken regardless, but I think this would be much easier to swallow if she had at least just ONCE tried to talk to me about what wasn't working for her or asked me things instead of assuming for me or implied something needed to change, but she didn't.
3. She feels pressure to be a different person or "part of a whole" when she is with you for prolonged periods because that is how you function. You function as a part of the couple and are happy doing so, your thought process when you are with her is an automatic "WE" instead of an "I". Her "free spirit" needs the space to be an individual strongly.
4. She enjoys being part of that whole with you but she is afraid to lose the freedom and joy of being her own person. That is not a cost she is willing to pay for loving you. She believes it is possible for you to give up the "I" because you are "in love" and wants to make this the escape route from this unhappy future of becoming only part of the "WE".
If she has moved on, that is her decision. She wasn't ready to commit to being part of something bigger. If the chemistry or just feeling loved brings her back, that is something worth thinking about. Whether it's possible to give each other the space to remain individuals with minimal expectations or pressure. As you mentioned, your trust issues and her frequently slipping up to cause them was a constant source of guilt and strife. It's part of who she is. Your need to trust her in those aspects is also a part of who you are. So perhaps for now it may be best to give this the space it has naturally sought.
To these points, I really thought I gave her all the space she needed. She went and did whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, with whoever she wanted. I only asked she let me know she got home safe most of the time. I never questioned her accusingly or anything like that. I tried to limit the number of times we'd hang out in a week so it wasn't too much too soon. The only thing I ever asked her not to do was to sleep at her ex boyfriends apartment or have him sleep at hers because they had just slept together within the year (they are best friends and talk all the time still, she thinks he may be bi/gay). And if she was feeling contained or whatever it was, why couldn't she say something to me? Maybe something like, "We've been spending a lot of time together and I love you, but I kind of want to do my own thing this weekend, I need some me time." Or literally ANYTHING to convey that she needs some more freedom or space.
She's had serious relationships in the past, although they were in HS and college, so she knows what it would require and be like. I just don't understand how we could have this connection, I'm special to her, she never stopped thinking about me, she never falls in love but claims to have been in love with me, never feels like she can be herself but with me she's so comfortable, and she can just throw all of that and much more away out of nowhere, so easily.
@L90
You're right, with everything you've added I agree you'd given her more than fair space to be herself and accepted her for who she is. The fact that she felt comfortable to be herself speaks volumes. All the different changing reasons she gave for the breakup don't really add up. They sound more like excuses to end it with minimal bitterness. The only sure thing is that she changed her mind about being in a committed relationship with you and didn't want to give you any real issue to work through/solve.
Some people are afraid of relationships becoming mundane or boring with time and that can manifest in an endless cycle of off/on relationships or multiple relationships in the quest for perpetual butterflies. Not sure how her previous serious relationships ended but it might be worth considering if she just rejects settling into a relationship regardless of the person or circumstances. In that case, her definition of being in love would literally translate to the "butterflies" phase or the infatuation/hormonal rush phase that comes with new (or rekindled) partners. The follow through phase where the rose coloured glasses come off and you're able to see all the negatives as well as positives of a partner, able to disagree or argue about issues, able to discuss and understand differences becomes too much and some people prefer to seek the butterfly stage with someone new instead of battling through the storms. It's just that different people process love and relationships differently.
@0m
None of the things she said to me during the break up made any sense to me whatsoever. I had no idea where any of it was coming from. She was the one pushing the pace of the relationship, always super affectionate, wanting to see me and do things. While we did have one real fight in which she let me know something I did made her feel a certain way, I thought we had had a really good conversation or two about it and moved on. Besides that, I had ZERO clue anything was even slightly irritating her. It absolutely kills me that she didn't have a conversation with me, ask me anything, imply something.
Her most serious relationship, which ended right before I entered the picture lasted for 3 years in college. She lived with him for a year I believe. Apparently it ended very amicably and they are still best friends and talk all the time. As I said below, the fact she was able to have this serious relationship makes me think she is able to commit and must have learned how to communicate and maintain a relationship.
If we had been having the same big fight over and over again, or had multiple talks about things that weren't working and weren't changing, if things had felt off for a few weeks, maybe then I could understand, I'd be heartbroken but at least I'd be able to see what wasn't working. But she went from telling me she had waited so long for this moment (we were in the ocean together the first day of vacation) to dumping me 9 days later. I thought we had such a perfect balance of similarities and differences, enjoyed so many of the same things, both had the same desire to experience/try new things, and had this undeniable connection/chemistry that kept bringing us together. I just don't get what in her head doesn't work between us.
@L90
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
Every time we saw each other there was intense chemistry. (This is something important that needs to be really thought through because this usually she feels familiar, more than likely might have some similar traits as one of your parents) 5 months later shes hooking up w/ some kid and we end up sleeping together and both admit theres something between us and want to date. Roommate and gf break up that week and we agree that we cant see each other. A month later theyre back together so A and I start talking again, see each other, make plans to hang out. (Ssomething happened here, it sounds like things were not going well with the other guy, and she decides to reach out to you. I get the feeling this woman feels empty inside and needs to feel love, however she also fears it as well) Apparently shes been seeing somebody from out of town for a month or so, she cancels plans on me. (This is twice she is backing away, so theres a chance you could be coming on strong and she not being able to handle the emotional closeness) About 2 weeks later she dumps him and hits me up, we start dating. (Hmmm, a normal and healthy woman would take time off to herself on order to heal from the breakup, but this one seems to fear being alone and needs to feel loved, so she starts hitting up on other people to feel good about herself. This is a red flag) We date for 3 months, very intensely. (This is a red flag because this is something you will put so much effort on, while she will start to back away because of being turn off and emotional closeness. There's a chance you have traits of one or both her parents, while she has some traits of your parents, so its why the chemistry is so intense) No official talks or anything but going on dates and sleeping at each others places 3-4 times a week. Im under the impression she is crazy in love with me and were about to get serious. She goes away on a family trip, everything seems great, she comes back, we hang out a few times and less than a week later she blindside dumps me saying shes not ready for a serious relationship (If you brought up the relationship topic in any way before her being ready then she will say something like "im not ready for a relationship". If you didn't bring it up then this means she can't handle emotional closeness and has a hard time attaching to others) and were in different places in life and shes not ready to fall in love (shes 23 turning 24 at the time Im 27). (In a way this makes sense after her breakup, and she has not taken the time to heal from what happened) Im destroyed by the break up.
After this the following events take place: We sleep together 2 months later 2 weekends in a row, she flakes on 2 things with me, (This is starting to become a pattern at this point...You two get too close, and then she tends to back away while being incosiderate to how this makes you feel. She is showing you how she can drop plans at any time when is convinient for her) I find out shes hooking up with one of my good friends roommates, (When she is all alone she starts to contact you, but when you two get too close is where she backs away (cancel plans) and then starts hooking up with other men to feel loved. She is seeing people more as object to project her unmet needs) she brings some kid she apparently hooked up with on that fam trip (we werent exclusive at the time though I thought we were about to be) to a friends party where I am (she winds up calling me the next day apologizing), she starts coming around more and we become friendly again and this brings us to this past July.(I understand she tends to get scared and is craving to feel loved, but she sounds like she has way too many issues. She's all over the place and so inconsistent. She is coming and go as she pleases when it is convinient for her, there needs to be some boundaries on her)
Shes leaving for a 3 week trip, we sleep together the night before she leaves. I think its just a one time thing and plan to use the 3 weeks to try and really get over her bc to that point I had not moved on. To my surprise while shes in Italy she begins texting me and we start talking. She gets back and we start hooking up again pretty much every week for the next 2 months. (I understand you really like her, but this is telling her you will take her back right away without any consenquences. She has come and go, and then you easily take her back the minute she starts contacting you. This tells me you are very eager to feel loved, and projecting unmet needs on her as well) During this time shes telling my best friend shes not ready for a relationship but likes me likes hanging out with me etc. after 2 months of this everything changes and she says she wants to be with me. Youre special to me, being away from you made me realize I want to be with you, Ive been an idiot, Im done being scared, you make me happy, youre the only one I want and will be exclusive to you and give you my whole heart and when youre ready you can give me yours (This sounds very sweet and kind, but i feel like those words hold no meaning after how she has been behaving. I feel those are words with zero actions) (I told her I want to give it a shot also but shed have to prove herself and get my trust back after everything that had happened) (Im glad you told her that) are things she said.
We started dating again. Again very intensely off the bat. (I understand you like her and feel this powerful chemistry for her, but this is a sign you let her back in very easily without making her work hard for it, so this will make her take you for granted and then she will leave again) Quickly she introduces me to her whole family. Talks of future plans like trips and owning a dog together. (I feel like this is all a fantasy she is projecting, but when it comes to the realization stage is where she will get so scared and not being able to soothe herself, and then she will want a way out) Everything seems like a fairytale once again. She tells me she loves me first. Eventually I tell her I love her too a few weeks later. We have a few small fights this time due to some of my trust issues with her (Its normal you would feel this way after everything that happened between the two of you) so its not all perfect but I was working on it and she was doing her best to help as well. Im under the impression everything is great though, we love each other and thats only growing stronger, we have a whole future coming to us. (I bet you she started to feel doubts right about here. She probably received a certain amount of love and affection growing up, so if she receives more love and affection then its where she will get scared and then willl want to put some sort of space) She invites me on her families Christmas vacation. Im ecstatic, the girl Ive been wanting back this whole time is telling me she loves me and pushing the pace of the relationship. Id say about 4 or 5 days into the 7 day trip she starts acting weird, distant, (This is a sign she is feeling the closeness, and is scaring her. She came on way too strong all this time, and not she feels scared) I ask her whats wrong and she says everything is fine, (She sounds like she doesn't know how to communicate, afraid of being vulnerable and doesn't know how to put feelings into words) eventually snapping at me at dinner our last night (I tell her not to snap at me), (She is being rude here, but this is her way to unconciously push you away on order for her to feel space. )something is seriously off so I try to give her space.
2 days after we get back she breaks up with me. Reasons she gave: - She said it all started about 3 weeks before this, we woke up together, she was getting ready to leave, I kissed her cheek, and she started doubting or being unsure. She pushed them aside and felt better about everything and then they came back on vacation - said I deserve somebody who loves me as much as I love her - (Usually when someone is saying this it could mean one of two things; 1) This is her way to push you away, and 2) Your actions and behavior showed her you are more into this than her) loves me but isnt in love with me and really wants to be (She confused love, but then tried hard to fall in love instead of allowing things to flow naturally) (Dont understand how she can say this and have looked at me the way she did, smile/laugh the way she did, show the affection she did, say the things she did. What girl is texting her bf at 1am on a Tuesday night just to tell him how much she loves him if shes not in love with him) - I love her too much (This right here is one of the signs she is backing away. I understand you love her, but when you add "too much" is where you probably came on too strong at times and will do too many things for her which will make her back away)- we see the future differently (which I said weve barely spoken about that) so she changed it to we want different things because were different people, that shes more free spirited and wild and spontaneous and Im more planned and organized and like to plan my fun (This is how it should be)- said I hold her down (No, she is the one holding herself down with her issues) (I said Ive never once stopped you from doing anything youve wanted to do) she said whenever I want to do something I feel like I have to see if you can do it too (Isn't that part normal? both sides have to talk about plans to see if its something you both can do. I can tell she has unreasonable expectations, and doesn't believe you would want to do those things (this has nothing to do with you, its her past trauma) then said that didnt come out right - said I base too many decisions on her decisions (I believe in here she wanted you more to make your own decisions and be more of a leader without making decisions base of her all the time) - said I only do things she wants to do then said but then again youre so easy going youd always do something I want to do but she doesnt want that for me (I feel like she is trying to tell you that it would have been nice if you two do things that you would want to do without always trying to please her by doing what she wanted all the time) - said that I did things for her that made her think dont do that for me (I'm sure you had the best of intentions for her, however she should have expressed this and it would have help you stop doing them.) - said shes unhappy sometimes (Unhappy with herself internally because she doesn't love herself) (which kills/confuses me because she always seemed extremely happy when with me) - that we were falling into the relationship at diff rates - when I said lets take some space and talk about these things that shes never once mentioned anything to me about whats bothering her making her unhappy she said whats the point these feelings will just come back and theres nothing I can do (This is a sign she is not a good communicator and doesn't do well with facing emotions so she rather avoids them. This will grow in either resentment or unhappiness, and then she will think is the relationship fault. Things would have been much better if she has expressed how she felt, not bottled it up)
I am so beyond confused and hurt. (its completly normal how you feel, this breakup came out of no where) I know things were not perfect but it felt like we were completely in love with each other with so much to come that we were both excited about, that we had an incredible connection and out of nowhere this is what happened after everything weve been through. (Its understandable why you would say this. She just doesn't do well with attachment and trust, so she will always do this when things go well) No difficult conversations of her telling me things that are bothering her or making her unhappy.
3 weeks later and it appears shes completely moved on and doesnt have a morsel of feelings left for me.
What the hell could have happened? I dont get how we can be on such drastically different pages and me have no idea? (The whole different pages sounds like her way of unreasonable expectations) I dont know if shes not a good person (my roommates tells me she always breaks guys hearts), (I can see why she would say that. She is not a bad person, but has way too many issues. She will pull back when things go so well, and then would stop seeing people out of no where. )if shes just too young and immature for a real relationship with me (she just turned 25 and I turned 29), or if were somehow incompatible? (Though I never felt we were incompatible at all, different types of people yes in some aspects but had a ton in common and really thought we fit great together). Maybe she's a narcissist/has commitment issues/is BPD? (We would need a proffesional to identify this, but I can tell she has attachment trauma and past hurt, so this will make her back away often. There's also the chance you might have come on strong and projected unmet on her, just like she did with you)
@freshLight64
Appreciate you giving such a point by point response! I wanted to clarify/respond to some of the things you said...
Apparently shes been seeing somebody from out of town for a month or so, she cancels plans on me. (This is twice she is backing away, so theres a chance you could be coming on strong and she not being able to handle the emotional closeness) About 2 weeks later she dumps him and hits me up, we start dating. (Hmmm, a normal and healthy woman would take time off to herself on order to heal from the breakup, but this one seems to fear being alone and needs to feel loved, so she starts hitting up on other people to feel good about herself. This is a red flag)
It wasn't twice she was necessarily backing away. At that point, we had only slept together twice and both agreed there was something between us and wanted to hang out. After the second time we had slept together, we didn't hang out as planned because her sister and my friend had broken up so we both agreed it wouldn't be appropriate. This time, she later told me she cancelled because she wanted to end things with this other kid first. I don't know the details of that fling but I don't think it was anything too serious in terms of getting over it. I think they only saw each other a handful of times over a month/month and a half period. I'm not sure there was really anything deep there. I could be wrong though?
She goes away on a family trip, everything seems great, she comes back, we hang out a few times and less than a week later she blindside dumps me saying shes not ready for a serious relationship (If you brought up the relationship topic in any way before her being ready then she will say something like "im not ready for a relationship". If you didn't bring it up then this means she can't handle emotional closeness and has a hard time attaching to others) and were in different places in life and shes not ready to fall in love (shes 23 turning 24 at the time Im 27). (In a way this makes sense after her breakup, and she has not taken the time to heal from what happened) Im destroyed by the break up.
I definitely didn't bring up the relationship topic. I was waiting for her to and figured she was going to pretty soon but I couldn't have been more wrong. In later conversations, she said things like I wasn't ready for that to be my last relationship. She admitted she thought about the fact that I was 27/28 and her 23/24 and said what would happen, we'd date for 3-4 years and you'd be 31/32 and that's it?
Shes leaving for a 3 week trip, we sleep together the night before she leaves. I think its just a one time thing and plan to use the 3 weeks to try and really get over her bc to that point I had not moved on. To my surprise while shes in Italy she begins texting me and we start talking. She gets back and we start hooking up again pretty much every week for the next 2 months. (I understand you really like her, but this is telling her you will take her back right away without any consenquences. She has come and go, and then you easily take her back the minute she starts contacting you. This tells me you are very eager to feel loved, and projecting unmet needs on her as well)
I did my best to not come on too strong. To play the games that needed to be played. When she eventually said to me that she wanted to be with me, I told her that she would need to prove herself with her actions, regain my trust. I said I wasn't ready to be exclusive to her and made her wait about a month till I said I only wanted to be with her. Although I said that, I was spending a good amount of time with her.
During this time shes telling my best friend shes not ready for a relationship but likes me likes hanging out with me etc. after 2 months of this everything changes and she says she wants to be with me. Youre special to me, being away from you made me realize I want to be with you, Ive been an idiot, Im done being scared, you make me happy, youre the only one I want and will be exclusive to you and give you my whole heart and when youre ready you can give me yours (This sounds very sweet and kind, but i feel like those words hold no meaning after how she has been behaving. I feel those are words with zero actions) (I told her I want to give it a shot also but shed have to prove herself and get my trust back after everything that had happened) (Im glad you told her that) are things she said.
We started dating again. Again very intensely off the bat. (I understand you like her and feel this powerful chemistry for her, but this is a sign you let her back in very easily without making her work hard for it, so this will make her take you for granted and then she will leave again)
At the time I tried to remain skeptical of these nice words but she was matching them with her actions. Introducing me to her entire family, her friends, inviting me on her family's vacation, inviting me to her performances, taking me to things, etc.
2 days after we get back she breaks up with me. Reasons she gave: - She said it all started about 3 weeks before this, we woke up together, she was getting ready to leave, I kissed her cheek, and she started doubting or being unsure. She pushed them aside and felt better about everything and then they came back on vacation - said I deserve somebody who loves me as much as I love her - (Usually when someone is saying this it could mean one of two things; 1) This is her way to push you away, and 2) Your actions and behavior showed her you are more into this than her) loves me but isnt in love with me and really wants to be (She confused love, but then tried hard to fall in love instead of allowing things to flow naturally) (Dont understand how she can say this and have looked at me the way she did, smile/laugh the way she did, show the affection she did, say the things she did. What girl is texting her bf at 1am on a Tuesday night just to tell him how much she loves him if shes not in love with him) - I love her too much (This right here is one of the signs she is backing away. I understand you love her, but when you add "too much" is where you probably came on too strong at times and will do too many things for her which will make her back away)-
I really don't feel like I did anything that was so over the top. Yes I planned some very nice dates. Yes I randomly bought her cool socks because she loves that and got her a christmas ornament for her tree. But I wasn't overbearing, I wasn't constantly oogling about how much I love her, I don't know. I was happy, I was in love. I thought the way I acted was very similar to the way she acted for the most part.
said I base too many decisions on her decisions (I believe in here she wanted you more to make your own decisions and be more of a leader without making decisions base of her all the time) - said I only do things she wants to do then said but then again youre so easy going youd always do something I want to do but she doesnt want that for me (I feel like she is trying to tell you that it would have been nice if you two do things that you would want to do without always trying to please her by doing what she wanted all the time) - said that I did things for her that made her think dont do that for me (I'm sure you had the best of intentions for her, however she should have expressed this and it would have help you stop doing them.)
I will admit there were times I felt like I deferred to her too much or let her make some decisions or even adopted some of her habits/idiosyncracies or asked what she thought of the plans I made for us. But what about all of the decisions I did make for both of us? And what about all the plans that I made for us? And of course I'm going to do things my girlfriend wants to do, she's my girlfriend. I want her to be happy and I want to experience things she's into. Maybe it felt like to her I was letting her take the lead too much on this vacation (after she had this moment that the doubts started so she started scrutinizing in her head more) because I felt like I needed to take a bit of a backseat/passenger role. It was her family's vacation, I was just happy to be there, I had never been on a vacation with a girlfriend and her family before, I was a guest.
when I said lets take some space and talk about these things that shes never once mentioned anything to me about whats bothering her making her unhappy she said whats the point these feelings will just come back and theres nothing I can do (This is a sign she is not a good communicator and doesn't do well with facing emotions so she rather avoids them. This will grow in either resentment or unhappiness, and then she will think is the relationship fault. Things would have been much better if she has expressed how she felt, not bottled it up)
I am so beyond confused and hurt. (its completly normal how you feel, this breakup came out of no where) I know things were not perfect but it felt like we were completely in love with each other with so much to come that we were both excited about, that we had an incredible connection and out of nowhere this is what happened after everything weve been through. (Its understandable why you would say this. She just doesn't do well with attachment and trust, so she will always do this when things go well) No difficult conversations of her telling me things that are bothering her or making her unhappy.
3 weeks later and it appears shes completely moved on and doesnt have a morsel of feelings left for me.
What the hell could have happened? I dont get how we can be on such drastically different pages and me have no idea? (The whole different pages sounds like her way of unreasonable expectations) I dont know if shes not a good person (my roommates tells me she always breaks guys hearts), (I can see why she would say that. She is not a bad person, but has way too many issues. She will pull back when things go so well, and then would stop seeing people out of no where. )if shes just too young and immature for a real relationship with me (she just turned 25 and I turned 29), or if were somehow incompatible? (Though I never felt we were incompatible at all, different types of people yes in some aspects but had a ton in common and really thought we fit great together). Maybe she's a narcissist/has commitment issues/is BPD? (We would need a proffesional to identify this, but I can tell she has attachment trauma and past hurt, so this will make her back away often. There's also the chance you might have come on strong and projected unmet on her, just like she did with you)
All of your comments regarding her getting scared when getting close and things of that nature, all seem accurate and make sense. However, and anytime I think in these terms, I always come back to the fact she was able to have a 3 year long relationship in college with her boyfriend that she even lived with. And of course I'll never know the true quality of that relationship, but they are basically best friends now, so I don't think it could have been too horrible. So why didn't she run from that relationship? She must have learned how to communicate, other relationship related skills/how to maintain a relationship in that relationship...
I'm just so hurt. I miss her so much. I feel like I/our relationship wasn't enough for her to want to make it work, to keep her. I truly thought I had found something incredibly special.
@L90
This time, she later told me she cancelled because she wanted to end things with this other kid first. (This sounds like an excuse on order to back out from the plans) I don't know the details of that fling but I don't think it was anything too serious in terms of getting over it. I think they only saw each other a handful of times over a month/month and a half period. I'm not sure there was really anything deep there. I could be wrong though?
I definitely didn't bring up the relationship topic. I was waiting for her to and figured she was going to pretty soon but I couldn't have been more wrong. In later conversations, she said things like I wasn't ready for that to be my last relationship. She admitted she thought about the fact that I was 27/28 and her 23/24 and said what would happen, we'd date for 3-4 years and you'd be 31/32 and that's it? (The age difference definetly played a role on the relationship, it wasn't that much of age gap, but for her this is something she didn't see herself with)
I will admit there were times I felt like I deferred to her too much or let her make some decisions (This part right here is not as bad if it was once in awhile, but if it was done often then she would definetly start to feel turn off and then will feel strange about the attraction she feels for you) or even adopted some of her habits/idiosyncracies (We all have our own individuality and strong sense of self, but if theres low self esteem and not a strong sense self then it will make you copy or adopts like you mentioned when it comes to other people habits etc) or asked what she thought of the plans I made for us. But what about all of the decisions I did make for both of us? (Those would count, but if you did more of deferring than actually being more of a leader then this is where things might go sideways with her) And what about all the plans that I made for us? And of course I'm going to do things my girlfriend wants to do, she's my girlfriend. (There's nothing wrong with this, aslong as you two also do things you like as well and come with ideas of fun things to do. If it's all about what she wants to do and looking for validation often then this will definetly play a role on how much attraction she feels for you) I want her to be happy and I want to experience things she's into. (thats great, but what about the things you like as well?) Maybe it felt like to her I was letting her take the lead too much on this vacation (Nope, it seems like she has felt like this for a very very long time, but decided to tell you when she couldn't take it anymore) (after she had this moment that the doubts started so she started scrutinizing in her head more) because I felt like I needed to take a bit of a backseat/passenger role. It was her family's vacation, I was just happy to be there, I had never been on a vacation with a girlfriend and her family before, I was a guest.
All of your comments regarding her getting scared when getting close and things of that nature, all seem accurate and make sense. However, and anytime I think in these terms, I always come back to the fact she was able to have a 3 year long relationship in college with her boyfriend that she even lived with. (She could be in long term relationships, but it doesn't it will be healthy and that it could be consistent. I feel like you dodged a bullet with her because I imagine you with her for 3 years...I promise you she would have been inconsistent, minimize your feelings, keep things bottle up inside, losing her temper on you, and make it all about herself) And of course I'll never know the true quality of that relationship, but they are basically best friends now, (Probably because he went along with it) so I don't think it could have been too horrible. (I'm looking at her actions, and theres a reason the relationship didn't last...) So why didn't she run from that relationship? She must have learned how to communicate, other relationship related skills/how to maintain a relationship in that relationship...(Nope she didn't, I see some strong signs she has zero communication skills, lacks empathy and often inconsiderate of other people feelings)
I'm just so hurt. I miss her so much. (Its understandable you feel this way, you two had something good going on and then it ended out of no where) I feel like I/our relationship wasn't enough for her to want to make it work, to keep her. (I could see why you would feel this way after how things ended. They are people with traumatic background who can't do healthy relationship and can't attach well to people. She didn't want to make it work because of her past trauma, not because of you) I truly thought I had found something incredibly special.
@freshLight64 Ok, i am 21. Much more younger than both of you but i had a situation like this before. I was dating a guy that was 6 years older than me, we were so in love etc. Suddenly, i started to feel annoyed with everything related to him. After 1 year of friendship and 2 years of relationship.
He is the perfect guy that any girl could ask for. Perfect gentleman, his love is visible at his every move, gives you personal space....
Sometimes I still think of the reasons why i broke up with him. I can't really find any logical explanation. I haven't had a relationship like that after him.
After 2 years, I just fell out of love? Yeah at first I made the age gap a problem too. I would be 24 when he is 30 and like what, will I marry at 24? And have kids before 30?
Maybe she is confused as I am.
@Misty17
Did this just start happening out of nowhere? Did anything percipitate this? Did you try talking to your boyfriend about things that were bothering you or imply anything or ask him anything? If not, why didn't you try to communicate anything to him?
Do you think if you had spoken up, things could have worked out and you actually would have become closer and the relationship stronger?
@L90 Well, he tried to talk about it many times. When we talked, I couldn't really find a reason. I was getting ready for matriculation and I didn't pay attention to him honestly. After a while, I started to believe it was better to set him free because I didn't want him to hang on a relationship that I have no idea if it would work or not after the exams.
We're friends now and we live in different countries but I don't know how I would feel if I see him.
He is faithful, just like a penguin he could give a pebble and live with a mate for eternity. On the other hand, I wanna explore the world, relationships, friends..
Or because growing up with fairy tales, maybe I am just looking for Prince Eric 🤦🏻♀️
@Misty17
I understand what you are saying, it does make a lot of sense as well. I have seen how people lose feelings for the other people and then its hard for them to figure out a specific reason. Did you feel your ex was more into you, than you into him?
@freshLight64 before we broke up, yes.
@Misty17
I have noticed often that's one of the reasons it leads to lost of feelings. If one partner is more into the other, then it will definitely lead to issues in the relationship.
@Misty17
What was he doing or what was happening in the relationship that made you feel that way? Why was that an issue for you?
@L90 It's a long story but I will give a simple example from this conversation. For example, if it was my ex that I am talking with right now, and he asked me these questions I would think "why he is asking these, I don't want him change himself just to be with me". Because these kind of changes brings responsibility and I would think about how he would be sad if we broke up after these changes and sacrifices
@Misty17 But everyone's experience is different. For my incident, this can be related with my parents' divorce, because I think about the end of a relationship not how it will keep going. Maybe if emotional experiences were upto only to our limbic system, there would be a specific answer. But what we have been through is unique.
@Misty17
Sorry if I'm not understanding the way in which you're responding to my question.
Are you saying the questions I asked my ex? (which questions exactly are you referring to?)
Or are you saying you had an experience with your ex where you felt like things that needed to be talked about would be changing him as a person? If that's the case, what kind of things did you feel you needed to change in the relationship? Why did you feel like it would be changing him as a person?
I ask because for me, the whole thing about her being more spontaneous and me being more planned (which while true, it's not like I am some rigid planner that can't go with the flow), I felt like there are tons of couples out there with that dynamic that make it work and all she had to do was say, "I love the things you plan for us but would love if we did something spontaneous once in a while too" or something along those lines. That wouldn't be changing me as a person, rather my girlfriend letting me know what she needs in the relationship to make her happier and if I think I can do that and want to do that, then do it.
@L90 I meant the questions you asked me.
Yeah she could say "let's something together". But sometimes it can be much more than that. For example, your planning habit can be annoying to her and that's your personality.
Don't get me wrong, I plan many things too. Actually my ex was more spontaneous and I was annoyed how he could stay so chill in some situations.
All I can see from here is that she is confused. Maybe she thinks about your relationship is perfect and why she can't keep along with it. That can be why she doesn't cut connection.
You can try keeping your cool and not try to fix anything with her for a while. Maybe she will open up on time if she doesn't feel she is pressured to explain things.
