Boyfriend is pushing me away
My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months now. He is in the military and recently got stationed a little further away (only 4 hours), but he is in the middle of nowhere. He is a very social person and needs to always be doing something, but being out there has cause him to be very depressed. He told me how he was feeling and said that he just needs some space and time to think which I have been giving him because I know it is important for him to get better. He then said that he still loves me, but he’s not sure if he can live with some of my characteristics. Those characteristics were tiny things that I have been working on because I know it will make me happier if I fix them and not just because I want to change for him. Those characteristics had never bothered him before and he knew I was working through them. He also brought this up all of a sudden even though we were completely good a few days before that.
I believe his depression has just hit him very hard and he’s trying to push me away, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him and I am still giving him that space to think, but it’s also confusing because I don’t know where his head is at. He hasn’t wanted to call, facetime, or visit each other because he says he needs space to think right now and I believe it’s too overwhelming for him with his depression and how busy he is at work. I gave him space with no communication for three days and all of a sudden he texted me to check up and we were talking and joking around like normal. Then the next day, no texts again. I’m trying to be there for him and I will continue to do so, but in the end I don’t want him to give up on us so easily and push me away because we both always said how great we were together and how much we loved each other and wanted to spend our lives together. I don’t know what to do from here to prevent that from ending. Any advice would be great. In the end, I know I’m going to stick with him as long as he lets me and hope we can push through this together, but I also know there’s only so much I can do.
@hopelessromantic2000
Hi, welcome to 7 Cups. 💜 From what you've shared, you have a boyfriend who is in the military and stationed far away from you. He is feeling pretty isolated and has been depressed as a result of being out in the middle of nowhere. He's been doing some things that you find confusing and believe are the result of him being depressed and trying to push you away or distance himself.
- He's been complaining about tiny things you do that never really bothered him before and that you're already trying to work on
- He's shared often that he needs space/distance to think
- He's been inconsistent in his communication; sometimes things feel normal while other times he seems to drop off the face of the earth and be unreachable
You want to give him the space that he needs and you know that there's only so much you can do. But you also want to be there for him, and you feel worried that he might try to prematurely give up on the relationship because of the depression. You're great together, and you feel like it would be a shame for the relationship to end if it doesn't need to.
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I wanted to share a few resources I found that have some tips related to some of the things that you've mentioned.
- How to support a partner with depression: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325523
- How to deal with a partner who is distant as a result of depression: https://optimistminds.com/my-boyfriend-is-depressed-and-distant/
- Tips from military personnel/spouses for maintaining a long-distance relationship: https://www.militaryonesource.mil/family-relationships/relationships/keeping-your-relationship-strong/long-distance-relationship-tips/
I skimmed through these links and here were a few of the things that jumped out at me that I felt like I'd personally find helpful or be willing to apply if I were in your situation. (Possibly you'll find different things that appeal to you or feel helpful.)
- Understand and validate his feelings as best as you can
- Ask him what he would like from you that would feel helpful
- Take care of yourself
- Try to work together with him to come up with a plan that feels like it works for both of you
- Try to come to a mutual agreement for how often you'll be in contact
If you'd like to talk to someone about how you're feeling, HERE is a list of experienced 7 Cups listeners who accept 1-on-1 chats on relationship stress.
