Emotional cheating
Looking for a little insight. My husband of 14 years (together 20) was seeing a woman more than 15 years younger than us. I confronted him several times and voice my concern about things I saw or had a feeling about. Long story short, 7 months later I see all the texts he sent her when we switched over phones for our son. Saying things when are you going to realize we are falling in love good mornings and good nights. He said he had the time because I am the only one working due to his medical conditions. He would not do things around the house and say he was depressed and lonely. He had to tell me lies everyday just to see here which was practically everyday. She lives less than 2 miles from us. Her husband also objected to their friendship and showed up at my house but refused to talk to me about it saying he had more respect for me. I also come to find out she was arrested twice for assault, in trouble with the school for not sending her kids and has serious mental health problems. He would send her love songs and good morning/goodnight texts ( all the same stuff he did while we were dating). He says they didnt have sex because it wasnt an option because he knew how much it would hurt me and all this silly talk he didnt mean. He also said that this ugly situation has made him realize that Im his only girl. Im beyond hurt, disappointed and quite frankly pissed off he was willing to potentially throw our entire home and life and child away for someone like her. (He texted her he wanted to run away from all this with her.) The little things he said he would do have all stopped yet again. He told me it was because I walk around pissed off and I should just get over it because hes embarrassed when we talk about it. The kicker is is that HIS DAUGHTER KNEW (she is an adult child) . I asked him how would he feel if someone did that to her? He then followed up with if I wanted to have a relationship or sex with another man he would be understanding. He promised he would go to therapy, hasnt occurred. He promised me he would sort out his wedding ring situation since I told him it was important to me, hasnt happened. I entered CBT for myself and I have made a lot of attempts to spend time with him (not reciprocated). I guess I am asking if I am blowing this out of porportion? Its only been 2 months since I had hard evidence of what I suspected all along. He doesnt understand I just cant get over it. How am I suppose to be compared to a 30 year old when Im in my later 40s? I get so anxious when I am not home. My mind wonders to what he is doing but then again I cant stop him (clearly) and hes going to do what he wants. My therapist says he has heard that women do take emotional cheating harder than sexual cheating. He also says we can come out stronger with a lot of work but I feel as if I am the only one trying. He just shuts me off saying hes embarrassed this situation happened. Has anyone else been through this or any pointers at effective communication? I dont have the answers to tell him what to do to make it better and quite frankly Im not the one who screwed up and betrayed him. I feel as if he needs to figure himself out and what he should do to help our relationship. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Id like to add that I dont want to give up on us. Despite everything I still love him and I want to improve our relationship. I am fully aware Im not perfect either.
@yellowHemlock7485
I think you need to insist he goes to counseling with you and makes some concrete steps to repair the damage. You also need to listen to him and help him through what lead him to contacting her. Only by both of you working with each other will you get through this.
I'm on the other side of this, as I was the one emotionally cheating on my husband after years of him withdrawing from me. He went to counseling but never really made any of the changes they suggested, even minor things like the way we talked about things hurtful to us. I finally accepted that he is the way he is. I love him, but I can't be happy with him like that. It is up to him to change if he wants to, and I can't make him change for me. He can love me without changing for me, and in fact after leaving him I see how hurt he is that I left. Yes, I left him for the man I was emotionally cheating with, and he is wonderful. I feel guilty about it, yet at the same time I don't think I deserve marriage without emotional support or connection.
@yellowHemlock7485
An older guys perspective on your post.
20 years and 14 married is a long time. It is long enough to get bored with each other if on one is tending the garden to keep it fresh.
Usually, to see the entire situation would require hearing from both ppl and then someone that knows both of them well. I can tell you that some men also take emotional cheating really hard. It has to do with how much you like the other person.
Suggest you take best care of yourself the best you can. Work hard on being in the best physical shape you can. Dress well, doesn't have to be expensive clothes for a girl, just nice looking. Spend some time if you can in some girls activities talking to other girls. I know some 40ish girls that are really hot... it can still be. If you do counseling get a counselor that is focused on rebuilding attraction between your guy and you. All the logistics will work out themselves if you two are close, and the ones that don't work out might not matter. Negotiating or demanding he do what you want will only be a short term fix, if he agrees. Long term solution is for him to earn your respect again... sounds like he has some work to do. Counseling focused on building attraction will teach him those things.
From what you write, both the other girl and your guy know that there text mate is married. I don't have much respect for guys that chase after or accept advances from married girls. I often see when the mood changes that girls will do this and can have a long list of reasons why it is ok, but the guys should know better and be steady. It is a test of character.
Good luck
I can appreciate what you are saying . I do however take care of myself and Im in the best shape of my life. I always try to look my best (even if he doesnt notice) for myself. Just because she is younger doesnt mean she is prettier (lol) I still am very attracted to my husband. I just feel as if I am the only one making the effort is what I think I was trying to say. He needs to put in effort too to show he really wants to be in this relationship because he loves me not because he needs me to support him I understand he has feelings etc and I know hes lonely however Im not out partying or spend time with other people. I work nights and work OT to support the family. I HAVE to sleep during the day. Im angry one of his justifications were they had the time to engage like this (she goes to college part time and he stays home). He doesnt cook, clean grocery shop or do laundry. So its up to me to support our family financially and still take care of the house. Im beyond frustrating @metalwater
@yellowHemlock7485
Glad to hear you are takeing care of yourself. Always take care of yourself first, it sounds like you are.
So you have taken over the mans(masculine) job(position in the family) cause he doesn't do it. And he has taken the girls spot of not appriecating it and looking for more fun. This happens... you sound of good character.
He either needs to learn to be the man (maybe with help of counsoling) or your attraction for him will fall at some point This is not a maybe, it is for sure, and then there is really no recovery. As long as he feels secure, why should he change or do more.
Sounds like you find yourself in the exact postion that 80% of the guys end up in..... The advice to them is the same as to you, to always keep care of self(sounds like you are doing it), and learn self validation. It means to not need or require an approval from parnter. Do things in a way that pleases yourself. It is not selfish, but instead it is the way to growth. A great book on how to do this is "Passionate Marriage" by Dr. David Schnarch. After we can self validate, we are unlikely to accept bad behaviour.
Good Luck
@yellowHemlock7485 Well I can relate, but if my husband found out, that would be the end of our marriage. I am 34, my husband is 42, and I have been on and off talking to our neighbor at work who is 45. I kissed him several times, but we never had sex. Why? My husband is suffocating, an alcoholic, and we are 2 extremely different people. Idk how we've been together for 8 years! Therefore, there is a real reason your husband has done this to you. Find out why. What made him talk to someone else? I am so sick of my husband's alcoholism and overpowering attempts. I started talking to the Puerto Rican guy who rents the shop next door. He's so quiet and sweet .. total opposite of my husband. The drunk Mexican. So .. if you want to stay married, find out the real problem.
Well I would certainly understand your position. Alcoholism is not easy to deal with. But my question is why are you still there? Do you want him or do you need him? @TransAm85
@yellowHemlock7485 I love him and I have been through a lot with him over the past 8 years. He is a high functioning alcoholic. We have an auto shop together. But, he is one of those guys who believes in an old fashioned type of marriage, where the woman is the housewife. I was raised by a single mother. Work and school was what I was taught. No cook, clean, kids, and slave to the husband. We hit heads about that a lot. When this auto detailing business moved next door, I was attracted right away to the boss. He'd come pay me the rent and one day when my husband was gone testing a car, we just started kissing. My husband has different interests than me also. He's 42. I'm only 34. I still like concerts, festivals in the summer, Packer games (I'm from WI), bar hopping, and of course car shows. He's ... kinda boring. He'd rather spend the weekend fixing up the backyard landscaping and drinking. Do you have differences w/your husband like that? Does he have high expectations of you? There was a reason he wanted to talk to another woman intimantly as to why I intimately conversate w/someone else also. You know?
@TransAm85
Me and my husband have a few different interests but nothing drastic. We like alot of the same stuff. We've gone on vacations together and had a great time. We go shooting and we used to hang out with friends until he started cheating then he never wanted to hang with my friends or his anymore. He cheated because I refused to let him destroy our finances because he wanted to live way too far above our means. The other woman treats him like a child, he wants to be a teenager not an adult but I wanted a future so I let him take it only so far. And that's why he cheated he wanted to do whatever he wanted regardless of the consequences. He lost his job because he was cheating and I was left to pay the bills on my own. He was unemployed but still wanted to go out to expensive dinners and when the bank was empty he would take out a loan and spend the money on her then force me to make payments on the loan. I believe cheating is the worst thing someone can do in a relationship, if you feel that detached you should just leave yes it is difficult but it is the RIGHT THING TO DO. He didn't understand that. He still thinks he can get me back.
@amusingTangerine3564 I appreciate your honesty. My mom tells me to tolerate it all and stay married b/c she don't want me to be a lonely old lady like her. I think cheating is wrong also.
