Emotionally Abusive Boyfriend
I never came to the full realization until recently, especially because he doesn't hit me, but I believe I'm currently suffering through emotional abuse. I have to hide my feelings often, because if I'm in a bad mood or depressed my boyfriend always responds with anger. He has told me countless times to do better, fix myself, that I'm not trying enough, etc. When in reality I am doing good. I have no support from family, but I'm putting myself through college and working full time. I've been going through some pretty rough times, including recently having an abortion, so I feel like it's okay to not feel okay sometimes, at least to let out and process anything that hurts. What's not okay is that I can't comfortably do that even in my own home. The other day I was crying to myself in the bedroom, and he came back to tell me he was going out for a drive because he hates being around me when I'm sad and because he was angry at me for not saying hello when I got home (I went straight to bed to lay down a bit). Just last night I accidentally found an old playlist he has still currently shared with his ex, that was titled as their sex playlist, and that hit me hard. I sent him a message about it saying it was sad to find, but that I'm not mad and understand it was made a long time ago. He came home soon after and started yelling at me for looking at the playlist, saying I only pulled it up to upset him. He has been either trying to start fights with me or just resorted to insulting me since then, and I've shut down into a small safe space. I'm not responding to him when he tries to start talking to me, but I have no idea what to do from here. I know I deserve better though, so I'm going to have to figure it out.
Update: he has currently given up on trying to mess with me, and is now laughing in the livingroom (at the tv) loud enough for me to hear from my safe space in the backroom. My whole viewpoint on him is slowly changing, and I honestly find it kind of sick that he can berate me on and off for hours then go laugh at something on tv moments later.
Read up and learn about narcissist, you may find sime similarities in your boyfriend
@Wynn920- most importantly take care of yourself. If someone berates and puts you down it is not a healthy relationship. And will not improve unless they are 100% committed to change. Life is precious and your emotional and mental health are a priority.
Honey this is 100% emotional abuse. You have tried communicating with him and all he does is insult you and get angry. I know how it hurts to have insults thrown at you when you’re upset with someone’s actions. He does it because it makes him feel better about himself and it seems like he’s too insecure to handle any type of criticism, even if it would help improve the relationship. You deserve so much better and there’s not point in trying to fix anything as he is not willing to communicate or listen. He is abusive and you need to leave as the longer you stay the more abusive he will become. Do not engage with him when he starts this behavior. He wants to make you feel small and see a reaction from you. The best you can do is ignore it and walk away, it will show him you’re fine and do not care. It also seems like he could be jealous of you. You are a strong woman who is supporting herself on her own. He may feel small or weak in comparison to your strength so he wants to bring you down to feel strong. Someone like this is not worth your love or care. I hope you do what is best for you and are able to heal.
You sound fed up, and from what you're saying, I don't blame you. Belittling you or how you are feeling is not something you deserve and you shouldn't put up with that from a partner. I don't know your history with your partner and whether this behavior is rooted in something else between you, but there is no excuse for treating you that way. IF you're going to try to make things work with your boyfriend, you're going to have to stand up for yourself. Given that this is abusive behavior, first, seek support from friends or family in this situation. If it gets worse, do you have somewhere else that you can stay? Are you financially stable? Have an exit plan ready or start making an exit plan possible. Then, you need to be able to have a calm conversation with your boyfriend and tell him what you will and won't accept. If you think he will listen, you might start this conversation by saying that how he is treating you is hurting you and ask him if there is something more to it. Either way, set the boundaries that you need. You must stick to your guns with what you ask for and be ready to leave or at least separate if you aren't respected. This pattern of behavior probably will not get better on it's own. You might consider/insist on couples counseling, but clearly tell your counselor that you feel emotionally threatened and exactly what you boyfriend is doing to you so that they are on alert for abuse. If things get more abusive as you do counseling, get out! I don't think anyone would blame you for leaving right not though. "What you put up with, you end up with."
@Wynn920
You sound like you have very different personality types, you and your BF. You sound melancholic (me too) and he's very Type-A. It sounds like both of you are not getting what you fully want out of the relationship. Might you be toxic for each other? I can't help but wonder if your relationship is okay in other ways as well. Was there a particular time that the relationship took this turn?
Best wishes,