Emotionally abusive toxic ex wants to have sex to help him get rid of "bad memories'
I'm recovering from a toxic relationship that ended last year. I tried my best to make it work, but unfortunately I was the only one trying. I was emotionally vulnerable and one night after a round of drinks ended up having a threesome with my ex and his friend. At the time it seemed okay, I even asked my ex if he was totally cool with what was happening and he didnt object. It was decided that none of us would speak of it ever again.
A few days later however, my ex started harassing me on texts accusing me of having an affair with his friend for a long time before the (Who was involved in the threesome) and blamed me for putting him through the trauma of making him watch his friend have sex with me! He blamed me for having orchestrated the threesome in order to get back at my ex for breaking up with me after promising to get married. He harassed me for over a week and that included threats to involve my family and his, suicide threats and host of abuses night after night. He said if it werent for the threesome, he would get back with me and marry me and that I am to blame for everything.
Truth is, he had broken up with me and had no plans of getting back or getting married, despite having reached the stage of getting married. The threesome was mutual and nobody was forced. He was hurt maybe looking at his friend with me which is understandable but at no point did he stop me or ask to stop it.
Its been more than 3 months since that incident, and he is still angry and hurt and blames me for everything. He is playing victim. I apologised for the sake of the relationship and to keep peace, but he said he would only get over it if i slept with him and helped restore his ego and erase the "terrible memory" of the threesome. He also shared the incident with two of his friends after promising not to tellnybody!
Meanwhile, I found out that he has signed up on a matrimonial website and is actively looking for a girl to get married to (LOL)
So when i confronted him about it he got angry and started abusing and blaming me again- and sent me pictures of potential matches and also said he had found plenty of girls who were much better than me. This really crushed me. I don't think I'm ready to see He knows I'm still recovering and hurting and unable to move on, but continues to blame me. He's playing mind games with me and is seeking revenge. I think his plan is to keep having sex with me and find somebody else in the meanwhile in order to get revenge.
Cutting him off is something I've done multiple times but havn't been able to sustain it for long. I end up contacting him. I know i deserve better, but im moving in circles. I cant get out of this mess.
@Anxiouskitten23 I know you ended this whole post with you
@Astralflower Thank you for your prompt response. You're absolutely right. I don't owe him anything. Over three months he's manipulated me into believing that I'm the one to blame for the failed relationship. He seems to have moved on happily LOL. It's taking a toll on my sleep, apetite and overall health. I'm sinking.
@Anxiouskitten23
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
A few days later however, my ex started harassing me on texts accusing me of having an affair with his friend for a long time before the (Who was involved in the threesome) (He is behaving in a strange way after he said everything was okay. You should really pay close attention to his words because it sounds like he is doing projecting on you, which theres a chance he was the one who cheated on you) and blamed me for putting him through the trauma of making him watch his friend have sex with me! (He was not saying all of this during the time of the threesome, so now he feels this trauma huh. He is the one who decided to go along with this, he is shifting his blame on you here) He blamed me for having orchestrated the threesome in order to get back at my ex for breaking up with me after promising to get married. (This past 4-5 sentence is him distorting and twisting reality) He harassed me for over a week and that included threats to involve my family and his, suicide threats and host of abuses night after night. (You should get some sort of restriction order, he is not in the right mindset emotionally and mentally)He said if it werent for the threesome, he would get back with me and marry me and that I am to blame for everything. (He is distorting reality, projecting how he feels on you, and not taking responsability for his fault on the downfall of this relationship. You have to remember that the relationship didn't work because both people were not on a healthy place in both emotionally and mentally to have a relationship. He has a lot of fault on the downfall because of his abusive nature, a lot of people would hear his words and instantly think "its all my fault" when its not)
Truth is, he had broken up with me and had no plans of getting back or getting married, despite having reached the stage of getting married. (He is saying all of that to make you feel bad while he plays the victim role, its all a way to make you feel how he feels) The threesome was mutual and nobody was forced. He was hurt maybe looking at his friend with me which is understandable but at no point did he stop me or ask to stop it. (true)
Its been more than 3 months since that incident, and he is still angry and hurt and blames me for everything. (He has a hard time letting go of things and often becomes very heavily focused on his emotions to the point he feels its the truth) He is playing victim. I apologised for the sake of the relationship and to keep peace, (You are apologizing for something you shouldn't have, it only feeds his ego) but he said he would only get over it if i slept with him and helped restore his ego and erase the "terrible memory" of the threesome. (Thats a manipulation tactics and a way to force you into doing what he wants. He is trying to put you into a position where you have to make it up to him, even though he agreed with the threesome. He is also trying to make you feel responsible for how he feels, he is the only thats responsible for finding peace in what happened. Lets say you do have sex with him, it's not going to make him "erase the terrible memory", it will make him treat you poorly) He also shared the incident with two of his friends after promising not to tellnybody! (He is trying to find allies that says "Oh wow you are sooo right", while telling them lies)
Meanwhile, I found out that he has signed up on a matrimonial website and is actively looking for a girl to get married to (LOL) (Those websites probably have people who have tons of unmet needs, starved of love, wanting desperatly to connect with someone just like he is). So when i confronted him about it (Theres was no need for you to do that) he got angry (he is doing this to intimidate you and make you do what he wants) and started abusing and blaming me again- (He is trying to deflect and avoid the situation. The topic was regarding that website, but he avoided it all by abusing and blaming you) and sent me pictures of potential matches and also said he had found plenty of girls who were much better than me. (He is obviously doing this to hurt you, and in an unconcious way he is trying to push you away) This really crushed me. I don't think I'm ready to see He knows I'm still recovering and hurting and unable to move on, but continues to blame me. (Why are you still in contact with him? and why you have not put a restriction order on him?) He's playing mind games with me and is seeking revenge. (Thats exactly what he is doing, he is trying to make you feel awful because in a way it makes him feel good seeing you like that) I think his plan is to keep having sex with me and find somebody else in the meanwhile in order to get revenge.
Cutting him off is something I've done multiple times but havn't been able to sustain it for long. I end up contacting him. (You are basically communicating this with your actions; "I love it so much how badly you treat me, I love it so much that I will keep coming for more". You are not communicating self respect and high value when you keep contacting him, you are enabling his behavior by keep contacting him. You are also using him to soothe your anxiety, and then you feel worst after talking with him) I know i deserve better, but im moving in circles. I cant get out of this mess.