Extreme gaslighting, controlling ?

@intuitiveCat4326

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

I’ve been married for around 2 years and my husband thinks that I cannot and should not be upset about anything. (It must be hurtful going through this. Your husband seems to minimize how others feels, but then expects you/others to put importance when he feels upset etc.) He feels that I have no problems so I should not cry or be mad at anything. (This can easily break the connection in a relationship. He seems to push and project how he sees things on you, and doesn't comprehend how his actions/behaviors are impacting you. This can make you feel disconnected and second guess how you feel because of how he's doing and saying things)

he also doesn’t let me go out alone by cabs cause he says that he should protect me from this evil world. (He sees the world as "evil" due to his past experiences, and it's seeking in a way or reason to do what he says. This is definitely a form of control he's displaying here, but he's trying to "mask" it by saying "I should protect you from this evil world".) When I ask why can’t I go out but your sister can he says that cause I’m married I should obey husbands words. (You brought up a great point about his sister, and he couldn't handle the fact you were right. His behavior is all about "My way or the highway", so there's not going to be some kind of middle ground or compromise. He's seeking control on every aspect of your life and the marriage)

he also expects me to mingle with his family 24x7 and completely accept them like as if I’ve married them. He also wants me to obey, respect and tolerate them even when they are on the wrong side. (This is unreasonable of him, especially when his family behavior makes you feel hurt and uncomfortable. It's all about what he wants you to do without taking into account how he's family have been behaving with you. This is not okay)

sometimes they gang up against me and start fighting with me and blow things out of proportion. (That's not okay for them to do this, they are behaving in a way to put you down. It's very difficult to be around people like his family, especially when they blow things out of proportion) All during which he’s never on my side. (The loyalty we feel for our family should transfer to our partners, but in this case it seems like his loyalty is with them. It's really important for partners to defend their partners even against their families. The way he lets them treats you this way is not okay)Once his own family has told sorry to me that they’ve blown things out of proportion for a tiny issue.

he for a period of a year told me that since I’m not close to his family or keeping him happy he wouldn’t take me out. (This is not okay...he's basically trying to punish you for not meeting his unreasonable expectations. It's impossible to feel close with his family when they mistreat you and cause fight. It's also impossible to make him happy because the way he expects you to say "yes" to everything) But neither wants me to go out by myself. (It's like a double bind, doesn't want to take you out, but at the same time doesn't want you to go out by yourself.) His parents and feminist unmarried sister knows this and asks me to abide by my husbands rules.

he also swears at me saying that I’m a bit ch and I should be rap ed during intense arguments (This is not okay, he's mistreating you by saying those awful things) but when I retaliate saying that your sis is so and so(same terms he used on me) he gets very angry and either hits me or gets extremely upset. (This right here should be a deal-breaker. Physical and emotional abuse should never be tolerated on marriages, it's not okay to be around someone who does these things to you)

the worse thing is he’s telling me that I’m crazy cause I verbally abused his family after he verbally abused me and also physically abused me. And no matter what he does I should not bring his fam into the argument. (Sorry to hear you are going through all of this. He will always try to find a way to excuse his behavior by blaming you. It's really important to realize that this marriage might not be something worth investing. The way he physically and emotionally abuses you should be a deal breaker, you deserve to be treated with respect and care)

@intuitiveCat4326

This is NOT normal, and it is especially not a healthy relationship. It’s easier said than done, but your best option is to get out of there. I was born into an abusive household and raised by abusers myself, and so it took me almost my entire current lifetime to realize things were not good in the household I grew up in. I know our situations are different, but as someone who survived and escaped from abuse, please, PLEASE take care of yourself. Get out of there. I’m not going to sugarcoat this; it’s going to hurt to leave. You will experience a lot of doubt and guilt, and your husband and his family will likely try to shame you into coming back. (I advise blocking and cutting off contact with them when you leave. Bring in the authorities if needed.) But after some time away from them, and with the help of a true support group and mental health professionals, you’ll come to realize that you absolutely did not deserve to be treated like this. Gaslighting and abuse makes you believe that you deserve to be treated badly. It’s not true. No one deserves to be treated badly. People who tell you otherwise have nothing but bad intentions for you, to squish you down and break you. For your own sake, you have to protect yourself.

“It’s better to break your own heart by leaving, rather than having that person break your heart every day you’re with them.”