Forever Waiting
Hey!
Me and my boyfriend have been together 7 years (24,25) and I really want to get married soon (Id like to consider children but I know he always wanted to get married first).
Weve preciously talked about marriage and he said hed like to marry me however I brought it up around a year or so ago and he said he wasnt ready and told me to stop talking about it. This upset me and I didnt mention it for a while. I brought it up again recently (over a year later) and again hes still not ready - its upsetting me as Im not sure what he means by not ready.
We live together, have a house together, a dog and both have good jobs! It seems the next step is marriage or kids and Id like both! From previous talks he would too but it seems hes going against me time wise.
Im upset as Im not sure whether hes not ready cause he doesnt think Im the one, or hes not ready for that level of commitment or hes not ready as in he thinks hes too young but whatever it is I honestly cant bring myself to feel better about it.
Any advice?
@turquoiseSailboat5316
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. Theres a few things I would like to point out;
Me and my boyfriend have been together 7 years (24,25) and I really want to get married soon (Id like to consider children but I know he always wanted to get married first).(This kind of sounds like he is avoiding the wanting topic by bringing up the marriage part because he knows full well is a step he doesn't want to take)
Weve preciously talked about marriage and he said hed like to marry me (This seems to me like he is telling you what you want to hear on order for the conversation to stop. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions communicates he doesn't seem eager in marriage) however I brought it up around a year or so ago and he said he wasnt ready and told me to stop talking about it. (He was being dismissive and incosiderate of what you wanted. He is avoiding this subject because this is something he doesn't want to do. You got to really think about this because he is not willing or showing consideration to what you want) This upset me and I didnt mention it for a while. (I don't blame you for being upset, he came across as cold and dismissive) I brought it up again recently (over a year later) and again hes still not ready - (At this point i bet it gets him irritable and then he says "I'm not ready" on order to make the conversation stop) its upsetting me as Im not sure what he means by not ready. (For whatever reason he doesn't want to commit to you, he should be upfront about this so you can find a man who will be able to give you what you want)
We live together, have a house together, a dog and both have good jobs! It seems the next step is marriage or kids and Id like both! From previous talks he would too but it seems hes going against me time wise. (That's one of the problems...unfortunetly men don't have that clock when it comes to kids, but women do so I could see why you would feel this way)
Im upset as Im not sure whether hes not ready cause he doesnt think Im the one, or hes not ready for that level of commitment (I think he is not ready for that level of commitment, feels the closeness and it makes him feel uncomfortable)or hes not ready as in he thinks hes too young but whatever it is I honestly cant bring myself to feel better about it. (You have every right to feel upset and sad because you have done everything you can to express your needs, however he is turning you down by stalling and being dismissive. I know you two have been together for 7 years, but you shouldn't ignore your needs or how you feel because it is important as well. If he is not able to give you this then he should be upfront with you about this because i can tell he is just avoiding things as well. I'm also noticing he doesn't have the ability to have empathy and consideration, so marrying someone like him might not be a good idea because you will often feel disconnected and not understood by him. He is also showing dismissive behavior to your needs, he is being negative when he shows those behavior. I would really really think about if you have the kind of relationship you have always wanted with him)
@freshLight64
thanks for the response. I dont know if Ive explained very well as it puts him in such a bad light - hes an amazing boyfriend and over the years hes been super supportive about everything!
He has brought up marriage too previously (years ago) saying he wants to marry me etc, so its not always my initiation. However its more recently when Im being serious on the matter that he dismisses it - we do say off handedly - will you marry me and well both say yes.
Im wondering if hes just not ready and if not how can I make him feel ready or how long should I wait - I know Im still young but I wanted to have my family finished by the time Im 30 and babies dont appear from thin air! Also as I said hes always mentioned marriage before children but I feel hell have to make a compromise somewhere - either getting married younger or having children before marriage
I dont know whether Im blabbing on, I guess I just want a more in depth answer than Im not ready and I dont seem to be getting that from him.
@turquoiseSailboat5316
He has brought up marriage too previously (years ago) saying he wants to marry me etc, so its not always my initiation. (I could see why you would feel this is a good sign, but he is just saying he wants to marry without putting those words into actions) However its more recently when Im being serious on the matter that he dismisses it(The thing is that he is not giving you ressurance or talking things out with you when you are feeling anxious. He is not handling this situation correctly, and its not making you happy) - we do say off handedly - will you marry me and well both say yes.
Im wondering if hes just not ready (The thing you two have been together for 7 years, you have brought the topic of marriage for the last 2-3 years? and he gives you the same response. How long it will take him to be ready?, its why i mentioned he is just stalling and not willing to commit) and if not how can I make him feel ready (You can't make him feel ready, this is something he has to handle on his own) or how long should I wait(You brought the topic various times, at some point you have to think to yourself "I have asked him to marry me numerous times and he keeps giving me the same response and it makes me unhappy. What I want its important as well and he is just being dismissive". You shouldn't keep sweeping this under the rug) - I know Im still young but I wanted to have my family finished by the time Im 30 and babies dont appear from thin air! (I see what you mean, its so important to know if he wants those things as well) Also as I said hes always mentioned marriage before children but I feel hell have to make a compromise somewhere - either getting married younger or having children before marriage
I dont know whether Im blabbing on, I guess I just want a more in depth answer than Im not ready and I dont seem to be getting that from him. (You have every right to want this from him because it isn't fair the way he gives you the same response and then avoids the subject)
@turquoiseSailboat5316
'Ready' can mean very different things to different people. Maybe the question that might help you is - What does 'ready' mean for you? How do we get to being 'ready'?
Once you both can figure out the gap is in your current situation that somehow prevents him from the next step, maybe together you can bridge it.
All the best!
@0m
thank you - quite a few have said the same I think its just clearing up why hes not ready and then getting ourselves to the same page.
thank you :)
@turquoiseSailboat5316 Being not ready means different things to different people. Maybe he would like to have a better job or one that pays more? Maybe he wants to move to a different neighborhood or city? It could mean many things.
However, if he has previously brought it up and is now shying away, it might be worth asking what has changed. It could be that he is content with the way things are and isn't ready to marry and/or to have children.
@ReadBooksDrinkTea
thank you - Thing is is that our house is perfect for a family and weve said although in the future (5-10years) wed consider moving wed stay in the same town so I dont think its house or job but perhaps just finding out the reason for not being ready would help me understand.
Thanks again
