Frustrated with my relationship

@brightCar2720

Hi Bright Car, this sounds like a really frustrating situation. I agree that communication is super important in a relationship. If he doesn’t want to make effort for it, just tell him that it needs to happen or you may leave. That’s blunt but it’s probably the blunt truth. It may be time to evaluate if the relationship is worthwhile for you. Best of luck to you

hey there—you’re definitely not alone. My partner has a tendency to go silent. He’s talked about it when we’ve had to address it and says his reasoning is that he fears saying the wrong thing, either from thinking too quickly and not having processed whatever we’re talking about enough to formulate an honest caring response, or because he fears he’ll just speak out of anger and go off. He’s had issues with anger and so he rather be quiet than go off and flip that switch into anger. He has these issues I believe because he grew up watching his dad do these same things. Do you know where your bf gets these tendencies from? Are you close with his family? If so, you could speak with a sibling or parent of his to ask about family history. My bf’s mother has helped me understand him a lot and as a woman she sees my difficulties but as his mom can also see his so she’s kind of neutral as she respects both sides. If he has a family member like that that could prove really helpful.

You said it best when you said you bottle up things so you don’t speak and bottle up for fear you’ll just trigger his bad mood or silent treatment and then it’s two-Sided not just your fault because he gets immature kind of forcing you to stay quiet to avoid conflict.

the silent treatment is a mind game and is never really ok. There is a big difference in saying something such as “I don’t feel like I should respond on this right now cause I’m angry, let’s just focus on the moment at hand while I process how I want to respond” (or a more natural version of that scripted line lol) and someone just shutting up saying nothing. When my bf can’t process something he’ll—in good moments—say “leave me alone” which because he told me in calmer moments I know means “I need time to process a response so I don’t hurt you out of an angry response”. but that also isn’t appropriate.

i don’t excuse or condone the behavior of any partner who does this. I’m sure in the past I did this if I was mad over immature things but learned this is too painful to do to someone. At least acknowledge them and let them know you need some time. My mom has a friend who lost her marriage over going silent over an argument with her husband and when she was ready to talk her husband already moved on due to having been forced to either move on or live in pain at her mercy waiting for her to speak. When someone goes silent days feels like weeks, minutes like hours etc.

those are just my personal insights from having been subjected to the treatment and from stories I’ve heard regarding it.

my best suggestion is to carefully talk to him about how it’s not right. HOWEVER I STRONGLY recommend having a mediator such as a family member who knows you both and respects both

of you enough to Cut down either him or you. If whoever it is cuts him down he’ll most likely get angry and walk out. Also it can be helpful if it’s someone he respects like his parent or your parent. It’s better that way so you know he has a bit of fear of God or respect toward them and won’t just walk out or go off on them. For my partner, his mom, my mom too I would say but she’s not nearby as often, and a couple people from church are who he will be willing to be vulnerable and open and honest with. It also sounds like you have some mutual friends (though it seems he may feel they’re not on his good side after the whole birthday thing) so maybe a friend though who you both respect and respects you all or a mentor of some sort in life be it a parent aunt grandparent older sibling neighbor etc.

i strongly recommend addressing the issue though with someone else present. You could do couples counseling but that sometimes can feel you’re trying to get it all out in a time crunch for a price so if you want to start with family that can help or if you don’t really have that look into counseling as it can for sure help. What I can say about my partner is he is willing to be vulnerable and open up about how his childhood contributed to this issue so if your bf is willing to be vulnerable and reflect back, that’s half the work. My dad being from an older generation is not as in touch with his emotions like many younger men are these days so it’s like he wouldn’t want help and you can’t help those who don’t want it. Your bf has to want help. It sound like you all have great times together and aren’t just partners but best friends so it’s worth trying to work on but if not know your strength. Most likely this issue would repeat itself in the future with another partner and he would lament losing you once he realizes that!

all the best and I hope my words have helped you. You can definitely get through these trying moments and find a solution

@brightCar2720

It sounds like he has problems communicating his emotions effectively. Maybe he has some pent up frustration (from his past, maybe from issues with his family, from some kind of trauma, from childhood bullying etc.). Usually when people are ineffective at communicating emotions it’s because their primary role models for understanding and expressing emotions were dysfunctional in some way (abusive, neglectful, has rage issues themselves, controlling and so on); or they were exposed to situations that caused their emotional expression to be inhibited (abandonment, trauma, unhealthy/toxic relationships with their parents/siblings).

Sometimes that rage and frustration can manifest itself in the ways they deal with their problems when they grow up, it seeps into the ways they talk with their partners. They seem to be angry all the time over strange and unpredictable things. ‘Everything seems to be something to fight about…’ They sometimes become petulant and shut down emotionally because they learned from their traumatic past that ‘talking’ through their issues never changed anything for them or delivered a positive outcome. Their frustration comes from ingrained ideas that its all pointless and they feel helpless and powerless.

Although of course I am simply speculating that this is the case with him. In any case it’s obviously stressing you and putting a strain on your relationship. You are right to feel resentful for all the hostility that he is transferring onto you. You seem to be generous and compromising. You make genuine efforts to make him happy. You’re not asking too much, you’re not being selfish. You’re considerate of his needs. At the same time you have needs that aren’t being met, and no one can deal with that indefinitely in a relationship.

I think you both definitely do need to have a serious conversation as you suggested. However, I think your own resentment (however justified and valid it definitely is ) will only trigger his hostility and frustration. Two frustrated and resentful people can rarely have productive conversations. Angry frustrated people tend have ‘fights’ and ‘arguments.’

Approach it with a view to understanding him. Acknowledge his problems with expressing emotions (not by overtly pointing them out to him excessively which might lead to him feeling attacked and embarrassed, leading to emotionally shutting down and avoiding the conversation) - but by how you conduct yourself. Set the tone for the conversation. Talk to him when he’s in a good mood. Create an environment of trust in which he feels he is safe to express his point of view without getting angry and defensive, to enable him to be vulnerable. Lead with love - tell him how you love him, and how you celebrate the good times, the things he does right, why it’s important for him to understand how you feel for the relationship. Initiate vulnerability - tell him how you feel and how the state of the relationship has been affecting you. Try not to make it about blame and resentment. Even when one party is predominantly in the wrong or at fault, it’s still more productive to frame the conversation in terms of the relationship as a partnership (use ‘we need to communicate to each other in more loving ways’ rather than ‘you need to talk to me better’).

I hope you both find your way forward to a happier more positive relationship!

All the best,

CatsInTheCradle

@brightCar2720

you've been such a calm, good girlfriend towards your boyfriend <3 and yes it does frustrate when u want your partner too talk to you whenever he feels down i my self have a bf and at time when he has family issues he doesn't really wanna talk about it when i try too he would just either let me know why he doesnt wanna talk too or he would be like babe will talk about it later blah blah..but yours is completely different..you do deserve better u deseve a person who is gonna be scared of losing a girl like you a boy who is gonna love and care for you like mad a boy/man who s remind that you're his and that you're the most beautiful girl his ever seen.....you r not only person who should be making the effort.......he should as well...and if ur not getting that from him any effort or any of ur needs which aren't been fulfilled then i think it's best you leave..and focus more on your self..till the time is right fy too date again only if that's what u want......be smart and strong <3 ur doing great so far :")