Gaslit by my bestfriend
My bestfriend recently said something that hurt me a lot, and when I told her it hurt me she insisted that it wasn’t her intention and that I was overthinking. It was the overthinking comment that really got to me. She made me feel small and as though my feelings did not matter. When I tried to explain this to her, she immediately said that she is hurt because I said she hurt me. I feel this was extremely unfair because she tried to make herself the focus without acknowledging my feelings. She ended our conversation with “I don’t know how it always ends up this way.” even when I tried to tell her it’s because her comment hurt me. I feel dismissed and gaslit for my feelings. Now she doesn’t talk to me anymore. Sometimes I keep thinking that I should reach out to her because we had a good time with each other and I miss my bestfriend, but I’m still hurt so much. Perhaps if a friendship ends because of this, it isn’t a real friendship to begin with - I keep telling myself this but knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less. The pandemic has made this loss of her friendship extremely hard for me as I have few other social connections to keep me distracted. How can I move on from this? Is it still worth trying to mend this friendship? What should I do in that case? It seems as if I’ve tried explaining in every way possible that I felt hurt and she kept ignoring that & said I overreacted, she wasn’t wrong and won’t change. She even asked what I didn’t like in her communication and I asked her to stop saying I’m “overthinking.” She ignored my answer to go on to point out my flaws. I admit I have flaws too, but hearing her immediately jump to criticize me after I pointed out her flaws feels like it’s a defensive move. Is this hopeless? I value want to keep this friendship but I don’t want to feel dismissed again. I have told her that in these exact words and received the cold shoulder. If a friend is not willing to respect me, is this the end of the friendship?
I am sorry this happened to you. I can relate, I had a friend who used to do this, and I let her dismiss my feelings to the point of thinking there was something wrong with me. Honestly, now I have friends who listen to me even when for my standard I "overthink" and we find a middle ground to communicate and respect each other. I don't know if this may help, but some people are unable (or not ready or emotionally mature enough) to consider really other' people point of views and feelings, and your friend here was really cruel with that behaviour. I can't tell you if you should or shouldn't reach out to her, that is your choise to make, but I think that you need to have friends who care to listen when you feel hurt, you deserve compassion and at least someone mature enough to handle confrontations and talk about the hard things. Friendship need nurturing like any other relationship, and is not always fun, life get difficult and talking is important, and if you are the only one who want to fix it this friend already made her choise. You can't maintain a friendship alone. I am really sorry this happened to you, I know it's hard... But I promise you it will hurt less one day.
