Girl who used to be my best friend

Sorry this is so long. Thank you to anyone who makes it though. Please lend me your ears and words. Please, thank you.

So I'm a guy and a few years ago in highschool I met this girl. I happened to snap her one day and she responded. Over time we naturally just enjoyed talking and having conversations. We loved to chat with one another and would stay up late until one of us would pass out. Eventually we started hanging out fairly regularly and texting/snapping every day. She had a boyfriend, who was an asshole, but I never saw her in a romantic way for awhile. About a year of being really good friends something in my brain changed and I realized I was attracted to her. I really just wanted to spend my time with her. She still had a boyfriend at the time and I thought it was wrong to feel the way I felt with her in a relationship.

So I told her I was attracted to her and that I also wanted to stay friends but I just had to tell her. We did stay friends! A handful of months after that she was telling me about her boyfriend who might have cheated on her (later confirmed he did) and she broke up with him and was on the fence about getting back together because she loves him. I told her that I wouldn't do that personally but I've never been in your position. She then got back with him.

Now she's in college and I'm still in highschool. She's not having a great time in college so I support her the best I can and make sure to talk with her everynight. After her first semester she transfers to a community college nearby our hometown and we hangout regularly again. During the months right before summer her boyfriend is possibly cheating on her again (he was). She breaks up with him again and is in ruins. We're still connected by phone and she's not doing well and tells me her friends aren't helping that much (her friends were not in support of her boyfriend). I try to keep her busy and not left alone because I want to support her and help her get over him if she chooses to.

During this time I realized that I love her but chose not to tell her that to not affect her relationship (although I guess I was since of our closeness). Soon after she brokeup with him this time she told me she was attracted to me indirectly. Soon after that she was very miserable one day in May and I invited her to go on a walk with me so she wouldn't be sitting alone in her bedroom thinking about it. During our walk we end up sitting down and she holds my hand. She asks what I'm thinking and after a lot of back and forth of trying not to tell her my feelings, I say I want to kiss her. She kisses me, we kiss. I then tell her I love her and I know it's too soon but I couldn't keep it secret anymore.

After that we tell each other things won't be weird between us. Our next conversations are about him again. Then she gets really sad one day but won't talk to me. I manage to get her out to a waterfront just so we can sit. I try to get her to talk to me about it but she won't and asks me to take her home which I do. On the ride back she's on the brink of tears and I just lowly ask why she kissed me. She said she was confused. We're silent the rest of the way. I drop her off at home. She stops snapping me for a moment and I'm in such pain at this point I told her to please come back when she's ready and a few minutes later she does snap me. She tells me she's sorry and she's going through a lot. I tell her it's okay and thank you for coming back.

A few weeks after that she isn't so miserable anymore and is starting to come back to herself. One night she tells me she's horny. One thing leads to another and we meet and have sex.

Soon after her (still summer) birthday is coming up and I go to her party. She gets really drunk. I just be around her but never obviously since I wasn't sure if she wanted people to know we were possibly romantically interested in each other. Eventually we seculde from the party group, her best friend tells me she wants to be with me and she just needs time. She then calls my name and I go to her, we cuddle to sleep.

The rest of that summer we talk and she says she wants to be friends with benefits and I tell her okay. I ask her how she feels about me and she says she doesn't know, so I tell her to tell me when she does. I also ask her to tell me of she's intimate with anyone else and I tell her I won't be intimate with anyone else. We also talk about if I wanted to date, she says she doesn't want to right now and I tell her idk if we'd work because she was planning on transferring to a 4yr soon and I was applying to college during the same time.

We have sex for the next few months. Eventually I ask her to do normal things like hike or watch a movie and she doesn't want to but I don't think much of it. Later in October she goes to a party with her best friend at a college. She calls me and says she made out with some guy but it was gross and she really only wants to kiss me. I told her it's okay, I'm not mad, thank you for telling me.

At this point I thought she wanted to be with me and in October she takes me to the city to see a music club. And I just absolutely thought she wanted to be with me. And we were getting back to normal, she was like herself and seemed to be happy and I was happy too. In November I made a plan to ask her out/make us exclusive on Jan 1st.

In December Christmas her ex texts her. I tell her I was always scared he would text her and she would be gone from my life now that everything is out in the open. She told me she's over him. New Year's eve rolls around and she tries to have sex with me but I forgot protection so she leaves me. She almost immediately tries to hookup with a good friend of hers. I see them making out and I just feel sick. I go home. She snaps me later that night and is in her car in the cold and won't go back in because she says she fucked up. i tell her i love her but she just responds that she fucked up. I drive back and hold her in her car to talk. She tells me she didn't fuck anyone. She tells me at least this year is better than last (her ex cheated on her). I say her name, hold her and kiss her forehead. After holding her for awhile I tell her what she wants to do. She says she wants to fuck. I said okay. When we woke up she treated me like she didn't want to be around me. I was confused. Because of how she acted that night I didn't ask her out, I told myself to wait more.

Over the next few months she tells me she doesn't want to be friends with benefits anymore. I say okay. She starts acting like a different person to me and I can feel it and I'm dying. She eventually went to a party with her best friend and fucks some guy but never tells me. Not too soon after she gets back together with her ex. She doesn't tell me either. I'm drowning at this point. She avoids me. I manage to get to see her in person and tell her that I was lying when I said I didn't want to date and that I love her. I shed a few tears and she tells me to not be dramatic. She says she's happy and that hurts because I wanted to make her happy. And I'm happy she's happy but I'm still hurt. I tell her she makes me happy and she says I need to find something that makes me happy that isn't her.

A few days later I tell her I'm in pain and I need help. She basically tells me to that the way to get out of the pain is to help myself. Later that day I ask her on snap if she ever had any feelings for me. She's offended I asked and tells me she never did. At the end I tell her what I told her when she got back with her ex the first time. I tell her I love her, I support her, and I'll always be here for her. She says she hopes my parting words were worth it. She unfriends me on snap.

That's pretty much the last time I had contact with her and that's right before I went to college. Through college was terrible but I slowly got to a point where she wasn't my largest focus. She just passed through my mind every now and again. I still missed her everyday though. I never contacted her because I thought she hated my guts and wanted to respect that and was hoping she'd reach out one day. I regret not reaching out to her.

Recently after covid and college, a mutual friend had accidentally invited us to hangout in the city. I thought I'd be okay to see her. When I did I was just amazed. She didn't hate me and was her cheery self. I saw she had a new boyfriend which made me happy for her and killed me too. At the end we hugged and she told me it was great to see me. But I think she might've only hugged me out of politeness from hugging our mutual friend. After hanging out I texted her a tip about college since she's going for her masters. I also texted her happy birthday and she replied to both. I then added her on snap and she added me back!

The past few weeks I sent her snaps that were nothing crazy and she replied with a basic reaction. I then realized I want to date her. So I spaced out my snaps to only once every handful of days or a week to not show that I wanted to because she has a boyfriend. She doesn't snap back anymore.

I really want to date her. I want to ask her out. I want to be with her. I also don't want to have any stake in her current relationship. I'm open to dating other people but if she becomes available again I want to take the chance. The only issue is that I don't know if I'll know she's single again since I didn't know when she broke up witb her ex for good.

Should I tell her how I feel? Should I ask a friend if they would be willing to tell me if she's ever single? These last two months have been hell for me again. I don't know what to do but I don't want tk feel like this.