Hookup Dynamics: Sex without emotional attachment. What do you think?

@mimameid The key here is what exactly is meant by "emotional attachment". I have an emotional attachment with almost everyone I meet. This includes, but is not limited to, shopkeepers, co-workers, people I speak to when I'm walking in the park, waiters and waitresses in restuarants. I like them. I wish them well. I would help them if they needed help. I would be upset if something happened to them. On the other hand, it's not an overwhelming emotional attachment. If I don't see them, I don't really think about them. I go about my life and they go about theirs.

I get the feeling that the speaker you refer to wants to put sex in a category that makes it different from any other activity that can be shared by two people. I'm not sure that's warranted, given that women can reliably avoid pregnancy and the long-term consequences that go with it. There are a lot of experiences people can share without becoming permanently bonded.

@mimameid

This thread is in the correct category and I am so excited to have this discussion!

Here is a few of my personal insights and thoughts!

Sex without emotional attachment?

It is possible to have sex with a minimal of emotional attachment, but it takes effort to achieve this. When it comes to hookup dynamics and casual sex, many people do in fact form emotional attachments. It makes sense though, since we can form emotional attachments to even belongings, like a favorite shirt or a stuffed animal :)

How to minimize emotional attachment in hookups

Being intentional about casual sex. You know how many books and relationship gurus tell us to be intentional when choosing a partner? Rather than just finding any old person we fancy, it's better to know what we want beforehand and that gives us a better chance at choosing a compatible partner. Similarly, I believe that before having casual sex, knowing what you want out of a sexual encounter can be incredibly helpful in limiting emotional attachment. Are you looking to explore your sexuality, or to find temporary physical comfort, or something different? Do you mind if you become emotionally attached to the other person or are you trying to avoid that? Knowing what you want can help you tweak your actions to achieve those goals.

Not using sex in a dependent way. When sex is used as a way to achieve a desire for physical intimacy, it becomes easier to become emotionally attached. At first, the attachment may be to the act of sex itself, but the attachment can then transfer from the act of having sex with a person to that person themselves. I have quite a few friend who after a hard breakup go through a phrase where they have many partners and relationships as a way to achieve the intimacy that they have been missing. In these situations, I believe it's easier to become emotionally attached to your partner.

Having relationships (multiple encounters) with your sexual partner. When you start interacting with someone more and more, it's easier to become emotionally attached. In fact, there are many instances where two people who were friends with benefits ended up either dating or breaking up because one person became too attached. Keeping interactions to a minimum (not hanging out for example) also helps minimize chances of becoming emotionally attached to the other person. One night stands with no additional contact would be the best to avoid attachment.

None of this is to say that emotional attachment is a bad thing though! One thing I want to highlight is that it is perfectly fine to become attached and be in a relationship with someone who was a sexual encounter as long as you are personally alright with that. From my perspective, it is all about having the correct expectations when it comes to sex.

I hope this makes sense :) and Im open to any questions you have! I definitely would like to talk and discuss more in depth as this is my first time thinking about this question!

P.S.
I apologize if my writing sounded too formal or anything. It's 4 am EST right now and Im a bit tired

The fundamental problem in hook up culture is the notion that having sex is an emotionally detached experience. It is often argued that sex, along with other forms of sexual practices, such as masturbation, is merely a physical act. One might propound the idea that sex is a release valve for a physical urge to sexually indulge oneself. However, sex is an extremely emotional, and spiritual (according to certain worldviews) act. What one is seeking in these acts is not physical release, but and emotional release.

People who engage in hook up activity might have grown numb to the emotional intensity of sex, and so it is obvious that they would advance the notion that sex is easy without emotional attachment -- that it is purely physical. The deep problem in this view is the consequential the one-dimensionality that will present itself in their marital sexual life. The emotional component of sex is what can be withered away with several partners, and by the time one gets to be married, they might not have the capacity to engage in sex as a euphoric, emotionally intimate expression of love with their spouse. The physicality of sex will always remain the same, though to think that it is detached from emotional implications is to neglect the very element that makes sex so powerful in marriages.

To answer your question, sex and emotional attachment are inseperable. It is a holistic act, encompassing emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual implications (according to your worldview).

I had a casual relationship when in my early 20's. I had just come out of a long term relationship and was not at all ready to emotionally commit to someone.

It was great! There was no feeling of responsibility or commitment but we were able to hang out and have sex.

Things only became complicated when I met someone else and called off our sexual relationship. I wanted us to remain friends, but that was something that the guy couldn't do.

I think he probably had started to develop feelings for me and although he always agreed that we were better as friends, it think deep down he hoped that it might lead somewhere. It's a shame because I think in this case it ruined and complicated what could have been a long lasting friendship

I think if we were to look at it from a strictly physiological perspective. When we have sex we release endorphins and oxycotin. Giving us an all time high making us feel elated giving us that "loving feeling" sooner or later that becomes more of a necessity especially from a woman's point a view. A chemical dependency like any other addiction 😆

@mimameid

I can only speak for my own experience and all I know is that there is always some sort of emotional bond there. I mean it makes sense. You and this other person are naked and vulnerable with eachother and that takes a certain trust and bond.

As for romantic feelings, I was surprised how many men I have had casual sex with hinted at wanting something more. I think it's because you have one of the most intimate part of a relationship (sex) already out of the way. So when you find out that both of you are compatible in that regard, it makes sense to think that there is a possibility both of you can be compatible romantically too.

I think when you're having casual sex, regardless of what you read in books or heard from other people, you have to have yourself figured out first. You have to have some self awareness of what you want and what are your vulnerabilites. That way you can put up the apporpriate boundires that are best for you and to successfully have casual sex with minimal drama.

With that being said, I think the most important questions to ask yourself is if you really want to keep things casual or deep down are you hoping you'll meet someone out of it? I think this is something a lot of people struggle with with some of them ending up with dissapointment.

Personally, hookups are hookups. If two consenting adults agree to have sex without further involvement, it's totally fine. I would believe that a one night stand or a two times stand without having emotional attachment is not impossible.

However, if one was supposed to create a friends with benefits situation (exclusively or not exclusively), it will be difficult to leave emotions out of it. After all, sex is an intimate thing. Maybe one or two times is not bad, but to establish a FWB status is to trust that person and to put your body in their hands in a longer term. I would say it is nearly impossible to leave emotions out of this.

@mimameid

Is it possible to have sex without emotional attachment?

This is a very loaded question and I think there are many different ways to analyze this. I believe that it is possible to have sex without any emotional attachment if that is what the two consenting adults in the situation would like. However, I do think that needs to be made clear prior to any sexual activity because when having sex with someone, it is obviously natural and common for feelings to arise.

With this being said, at the same time, I do believe it is difficult to continue having sex with someone without gaining any significant feelings. Being intimate with another person at such a level for continued amount of time, it will become increasingly difficult to maintain a strict friendship.

I don't believe there is anything wrong with casual sex if that is what the two people are comfortable with but that needs to be made clear from the beginning and boundaries need to be set.

@mimameid I sm sure people are able to not have emotional attatchment during such hookups. I mean I know some people that like to meet up just for sex and meet with eachother regularly and just have fun, they are both good at it and love having it. To them its similar like it would be for me to watch TV series with someone. I mean its more like a hobby to them. But then again this is just the perspective of an outsider :) I wouldnt know if they had actual feelings, its just what I heard them say.