How do you recover yourself

@INFPhanne90

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. Theres a few things I would like to point out;

I was in a relationship with a man I admired more then anyone I ever knew. He had his flaws too, it wasn't like I thought he was a God.

He lived an extreme life. Impulsive and adventures. I felt like I needed to match him, (This tells me you didn't feel good good enough or imcomplete, so you felt the need to match him) or compete with anyone he found interesting in his vicinity. (This compete part could be related to the past where you have this need to fight for love since it was not unconditional, you were afraid of losing to someone else, and you would often see yourself less than other people) I was constantly at war with my insecurity. And it grew stronger. (This can feel so overwhelming to the point it becomes hard to stay calm and compose)

I was so affraid of losing him I refused to see the red flags. Or I saw them but ignored them. (I think you sort of knew of them, but you didn't want to lose him and you were projecting unmet needs on him so this became hard to leave him) His promiscuous behavior, drinking to much and lying a lot. I even wondered if he could have an antisocial-personality-disorder, but that's just speculation on my part, even tho it's scary close to reality.

When we broke up it felt like it was because I was not good enough, (Most people who grew up feeling not good enough or worthy would often feel this way. It's one of the worst things to go through because a breakup could often activate past hurt and wounds) as I was so discouraged from even trying to match him to even try. (One thing i noticed here is that you didn't have your own identity, often felt incomplete as a person, didn't feel good secure in yourself about who you are so you often have the need to compete or match other on order to receieve love) I'd become increasingly anxious which resulted in needy behavior. (This is where your anxious attachment became activated, and he probably deactivated his while being dismissive to how you feel. I do think he played a role in how anxious you felt, and you shouldn't feel like all is your fault)

How do I get my lust for adventure back? (Well this is something that will take time to find. I think you should definetly go on a self-discovery journey where you try to find; 1) Who you are as a person, 2) What are your goals?, 3) What are your boundaries?, 4)What are your hobbies?. Be curious about yourself and life, we often mesh our identities with the other person which make us lose ourselves.) It feel like nothing will ever be good enough after having observed his life. (You didn't say much about him, but I could pretty much imagine how he is. I don't think his life is as you portray it because of his issues, but you can make your life to be even more interesting than his. At this moment in time it's okay to feel this way, but in time it will get better.) I didn't have a need for a big group of exciting friends before I met him, but now, without him to facilitate it, I feel very lonely without it. (Its understandable you feel at your worst now, but this means you relied heavily on him and didn't trust your own identity/self to be able to make friends on your own) My crushed self-confidence is making it hard to make it for myself. (After a breakup is normal to feel this way, it takes time to really adjust to a life where that other person isn't around anymore. It's okay, you will be able to make it and will come out stronger) I suspect it had something to do with me being female and not as crazy exciting and "loud" as him. (Well you shouldn't compare yourself to him, you two are different people. You might not be loud as him, but it doesn't mean you can't have the life you want to. You can have any kind of life you want, be the star of your own movie and make every day count. I understand you had so much fun with him, but it doesn't mean you won't have the same fun. You can make your life be as amazing and fun as you want it to be without him)

@INFPhanne90

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. Theres a few things I would like to point out;

I was in a relationship with a man I admired more then anyone I ever knew. He had his flaws too, it wasn't like I thought he was a God.

He lived an extreme life. Impulsive and adventures. I felt like I needed to match him, (This tells me you didn't feel good good enough or imcomplete, so you felt the need to match him) or compete with anyone he found interesting in his vicinity. (This compete part could be related to the past where you have this need to fight for love since it was not unconditional, you were afraid of losing to someone else, and you would often see yourself less than other people) I was constantly at war with my insecurity. And it grew stronger. (This can feel so overwhelming to the point it becomes hard to stay calm and compose)

I was so affraid of losing him I refused to see the red flags. Or I saw them but ignored them. (I think you sort of knew of them, but you didn't want to lose him and you were projecting unmet needs on him so this became hard to leave him) His promiscuous behavior, drinking to much and lying a lot. I even wondered if he could have an antisocial-personality-disorder, but that's just speculation on my part, even tho it's scary close to reality.

When we broke up it felt like it was because I was not good enough, (Most people who grew up feeling not good enough or worthy would often feel this way. It's one of the worst things to go through because a breakup could often activate past hurt and wounds) as I was so discouraged from even trying to match him to even try. (One thing i noticed here is that you didn't have your own identity, often felt incomplete as a person, didn't feel good secure in yourself about who you are so you often have the need to compete or match other on order to receieve love) I'd become increasingly anxious which resulted in needy behavior. (This is where your anxious attachment became activated, and he probably deactivated his while being dismissive to how you feel. I do think he played a role in how anxious you felt, and you shouldn't feel like all is your fault)

How do I get my lust for adventure back? (Well this is something that will take time to find. I think you should definetly go on a self-discovery journey where you try to find; 1) Who you are as a person, 2) What are your goals?, 3) What are your boundaries?, 4)What are your hobbies?. Be curious about yourself and life, we often mesh our identities with the other person which make us lose ourselves.) It feel like nothing will ever be good enough after having observed his life. (You didn't say much about him, but I could pretty much imagine how he is. I don't think his life is as you portray it because of his issues, but you can make your life to be even more interesting than his. At this moment in time it's okay to feel this way, but in time it will get better.) I didn't have a need for a big group of exciting friends before I met him, but now, without him to facilitate it, I feel very lonely without it. (Its understandable you feel at your worst now, but this means you relied heavily on him and didn't trust your own identity/self to be able to make friends on your own) My crushed self-confidence is making it hard to make it for myself. (After a breakup is normal to feel this way, it takes time to really adjust to a life where that other person isn't around anymore. It's okay, you will be able to make it and will come out stronger) I suspect it had something to do with me being female and not as crazy exciting and "loud" as him. (Well you shouldn't compare yourself to him, you two are different people. You might not be loud as him, but it doesn't mean you can't have the life you want to. You can have any kind of life you want, be the star of your own movie and make every day count. I understand you had so much fun with him, but it doesn't mean you won't have the same fun. You can make your life be as amazing and fun as you want it to be without him)