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Hi everyone, yes the title is correct Im the cheater. I am disgusting, horrible and every other awful word you can think of. I look in the mirror and I dont recognize the person staring back at me. However, I used to be trustworthy loyal and generally a good person.
I am married to my college sweetheart, hes the kindest, loyalest, smartest guy ever. He treats me like gold. Weve been married 1 year now and been together for 7 years.
On decemeber 21st 2018, I kissed someone I work with. This guy who for this story I will call ‘B, Ive had a crush on him. I have ignored it and suppressed it since the day we met. He also likes me and there is a crazy chemistry between us, not only attraction but also we get along very well. B started working at the office I work at 2 years ago.
Dec 21st we went out partying with colleagues, While no one else was around B admitted his feelings for me. He asked me if he could kiss me and I said .. yes. The moment our lips touched it was like electricity ran through us. We couldnt take our hands off each other.
Its now August and we continue to have a secret relationship and it gets worse we are in love.
I love my husband, but I fear Im not ‘in love with him and this was even before B kissed me but I just didnt seem to care or was unconscious to it. There is no passion and hasnt been for a while. Its like hes a family member not a lover.
Help? I feel so hopeless and confused.. try not to be too hard on me I am fully aware how awful I am
@tragickitty
Hi Tragic,
Having affairs do happen, but the main thing is what has steered you away from the feelings you have towards your husband ? Have you sat down and look at the fact as you say Your husband is kind and caring to you. He does not mistreated you and now you have steered away from it and have feelings towards another man.
As this can crete a problem in the marriage. finding out if you truely love this man " B " or your husband so you are not hurting all involved including yourself.
@tragickitty
I'm not sure if I'll be much help, but if I were you I would tell him. Not necessarilly right away, but when you're ready. It's better than him finding out on his own, and, even if you could somehow formulate some plan where he never finds out, it would help you work through your feelings anyways. He should find it in his heart to support you in working through this.
I know it's a taboo topic, but there's not really anything wrong with being in love with multiple people. And if that's not your thing, that's okay. Most people aren't comfortable with that. But we can't exactly control who we're attracted to, so it's irrational to think we shouldn't be attracted to someone. We can, however, control if and how we act on these feelings, some times more than others.
@tragickitty
really common story. don't feel like your the only one. not sure the statistics on this situation happening, but I imagine it is maybe 50%+ of relationships that something like this happens, most no one ever finds out about. that doesn't make it right... but we are human and with needs.
in my opinion, what you have described is that your husband did not stay strong with you. the key is what does strong mean. and the other guy took advantage... in my opinion he is the bad person in this situation. again, he is not the only one... many guys will do it like that. no moral integrity at all. It is not that hard to do if the guy knows what he is doing. if you got together with him long term, he would probably cheat on you also. Assume he knew your are married, and moved on you anyway and from how you tell, knew exactly how to do it.
do you want to fix your marriage or move on.. only you know. if it was your husband asking I would know exactly what to tell him. i did happen to see something the other day finally that makes sense about what a girl could do from the girls side to improve things.
https://www.createapeacefulhome.com/marriage/let-husband-man/
this suggestions have some church stuff in it, but if your apposed to those ideas its ok, the general ideas still apply.
if you choose to try to make things work with your husband, your romantic interest level in him would need to grow. For that to happen he would need to be much more assertive. For that to happen he would have to take actions to do it(but he doesn't know what has happened yet does he..) but is not motivated to do so. So the link I shared is a solid strategy to use that can trigger the guy to change towards what you need.
Good luck
@metalwater
The tips in that link seem... for lack of a better word, mysoginistic. If that's for her, great, but I think it needs to be said that not everyone conforms to those gender roles.
@BlueIsQuiet
I could see that opinion for sure.
For some it would never work. But clearly what the OP is doing now is not working or at least she claims it is not working. For a Guy to be more assertive and lead (many girls realy want that) they have to have strong self esteem. One of the fastest self esteem boost for any guy is for there girl to do those things. Not in a dangourse way or self demening way, but in a way that says I love you so much that i am willing to strengthen you so that I can follow, because I want us to journey toghether and what we are doing is not working.
One of famouse quotes from Mrs Bush (presedents wife) was that any man she married would be president and she did not feel luck that her guy was, because she would have supported any husband to do it.
Only one of the couple can be dominat(leader). If it is the girl, the result is usually works out like the OP tells. To be clear, I am very against anything that looks like abuse or mean or anything that is not in the best intrest of the couple.
Except in very rare cases, when the girl takes charge because the guy will not or can not because she is stronger bad things happen. And often, just like OP tells, she went with another guy that would take charge.
@metalwater
I don't recall the OP saying either one is more assertive, nor do I see why there has to be a "leader".
@BlueIsQuiet
@BlueIsQui
OP said, no passion.
Translation: guy is not assertively inserting passion into the relationship. no passion, dead relationship, leading to this post and the topic.
it is guys(masculine) responsibility, but when it is girl that is interested to fix it she can not be the one to tell him.it won't work.
It not about control or being smarter or better or man vs woman or anything like that. sometime girls that are very sensitive about gender roles would think that. even in same sex arrangements, there is usually a stong(masculine) and one feminine. if a girl is feminine and the guy does not take the masculine role then the girl will become frustrated and look for it elsewhere or just be frustrated. It can also work if the girl is masculine and the guy is feminine.
In this case the girl is accepting another guy that is presenting as masculine.
Thanks for your replies everyone... Id like to give more context to the OP.
About my husband: hes sweet and kind and we have everything in common but its as if were best friends but the natural attraction and chemistry doesnt seem to be there. Honestly I am not sure it ever was...
About B: hes a lawyer, smooth talking, and has been previously involved in other affairs with women that either have a husband or girlfriend.
Am I being a complete moron? I feel like as I type that out I realize maybe B is manipulating me?
Thoughts?
@tragickitty
Not necessarily, but it's possible that he is. Doesn't mean you should or shouldn't be worried about it. That's up to you. You're the one in the situation.
@tragickitty
Sounds like you can see it already...
Next is the difficult part as you decide what t do. I guess your choices are:
1 Keep A
2 Keep B
3 Keep A & B
4 Don't Keep Either
One thing that you probably know already is that B is just fine and ok knowing about A. My best guess is that A will not be ok about B...
@metalwater its such a difficult situation... I really love my husband but Im bored. I really dont recall if we ever had a spark or the butterflies feeling. Its like always been a best friend situation its like a safe family member feeling. Im such a sexual and wild person I love to have fun and Im very bubbly upbeat and love thrill and excitement... B has similar traits in this aspect but A is the more safe caring and stable one. But I really have no desire to be sexual with my husband and I have needs... Im such a disaster ... I have no clue what Im doing anymore I feel so out of control with my life like Im not living my own life?
@tragickitty
you descibe that really well.
I am bassically an older version of your A and decided to fight for what was mine. The jury is still out on how that goes. I don't have any proof of B.. for me, same as the situation of your A. But I did notice something was wrong... and there is a couple of strong B canidates. For me, it really sucks... I tell that so you can account for my ideas to you knowing my perspective.
A can improve on almost everything that you are missing, only glitch is the history time where you have the old image of A. The other thing is that he has to be motivated to do it somehow. The golden templat for what he needs to know is in the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. This is stuff A would have to want to do and then do and it is not easy, then possibly.. your view of him can change. The longer you stay with B, the more unlikely it becomes.
Even no choice, is a choice. I peronally dislike the B type as they take girls that are married (just as you said) and trick them. It is really easy to do if the guy knows how. As long as you know all of that, you can make a choice that works best for you. I would suggest you don't let A and B get together after A finds out..
@tragickitty
Hello, i can understand you, in my opinion, you are in love with your husband, you have relationship for 7 years and i'm sure, if u don't love him, u can notice. i think u just bored and u just want to be relax, marriage isn't easy. u can tell all story to your husband, if u really love each other, you can understand each other. Maybe u will decide to give a time for yourselves. I hope, everything will be okay ❣️