Idk what to do anymore

My partner died a year ago, actually 14 months and two days ago. I had a really good friend but she decided I was too much to handle and asked me not to contact her again. That was August 6th. I moved in February because this friend told me my house was making me sick. So I moved across town into a tiny little appartment. It was the only thing available. She helped me move in, and now she's gone. They're all gone! Where do you find unconditional acceptance, and love when they're dead or unreachable? You know this kindness thing that is going on? I don't feel so kind anymore.

@Butterfly051212

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. Theres a few things i would like to point out;

Hello. Im new to this so hopefully im doing this right. Lol I dont know where to begin. Its multiple things. Me and my fiance have been together for 7 years and we have 3 beautiful children together. But there has always been constant battles. Dont get me wrong I know that all relationships will have ups and downs and none are perfect but Im just at a cross road. (Relationships do have their ups and down, but it can't be where the same situation keeps affecting the relationship over and over again. I do feel you are perhaps minimizing the situation here). My fiance is a big huge avid hunter. Which is totally cool. I even find that sexy lol. But ive told hin day one that I dodnt care that he had a hobby unless thay came to interfere with our family. Well over the years thats what always happens and me and the kids get put on the back burner. (I could see why you would feel this way, its like you and the kids are not a priority and you are wishing he would connect more with you and the kids while also spending time doing his hobby) Im told on a weekly basis that I cant spend a lot of money because of bills and etc which i totally get because we are on a fixed income. (I could understand if he says this once in a blue moon, but when is weekly is a sign he is trying to take control of how the income goes and showing some early sign that he is a controlling person which isnt healthy at all) He is the only one working due to me being home with the kids. (All of us have situations and why we do things, but in here not working might lead to depression and at times not feeling succesful, and then it will also lead to him feeling even more entittled and controlling about the income) Oldest one is 6 and others are twins that are 3 1/2. Anyways so I buy the necessary things like food, toilet paper, laundry stuff etc but once on awhile I will get me a $10 or so sgirt to make myself feel good or the kids something and he blows up about money. (This is a sign he is controlling, passive-agressive, manipulative and doesn't understand the concept of equal relationships. You are buying everything needed, so doing things for yourself and the kids shouldn't be something that should get him worked up. There's a chance he barely had money growing up, so now gets anxious and irritable when is being spent in a way he doesn't want to) But for hunting he can buy anything no amount asked! (This right here might be an addiction, something that fills him up. If you try to do something for yourself and the kids is where he will behave selfish, irritable and blows up on an attempt to control and punish. He is showing he has a lot of issues which will make the relationship with you and the kids unhealthy) Then i have bad self esteem. Im a lil overweight and all and I dont feel beautiful no more at all. To me it only feels like he touches me when he wants something. (This is a sign your needs are not being met in this relationship, and he is treating you as an object in terms of intimacy) Im very affectionate sexually and non sexually. Im even dieting and losing weight to help myself there. Theres a lot more but run out of room lol

Not even take trash out anymore. He will cut grass barely. (I believe he might have the mindset of the providers, which means he expects you to take care of the house while he works. The way he is behaving is an indication he is not doing things to help you and the kids, which is wrong of him to do) Doesn't do anything or want to go anywhere with me and the kids or nothing. (I feel he has checked out of the relationship. became complacent, he is on his own words and has taken you for granted. This is not a relationship/marriage you should be a part of because you and your kids will experience tons of difficulties because of his behavior) He thinks me amd kids should zit in the house 24/7 and never complain.(He is lacking empathy, communication and attempting to control you and the kids. The way he said "never complain" is his way of saying "I work here, bring the money so you have no right to complain", his behavior will make you feel lonely, disconnected and hurt. You are allowed to complain, we are human beings, but he is trying to take away the emotions part) U know our kids had never been to chuck e cheese until a couple months ago when my parents finally took us. He has missed out on so much of their lives its un real! (I feel he is so focused on his work, life and hobbies that he is forgetting that connecting with his family is important. This is an indication he has a lot of attachment trauma, and doesn't want to be too close to you and the kids because of his childhood) And it doesnt bother him! Just today he text me and said he wants to leave work early to go hunting today and tomorrow. (This is part of an addiction, but also not being considerate of you and the children. I understand he has the right to do his hobbies, but not where he is not willing to connect with you and the kids, and then leave everything in your hands) So i asked him how many hours will he have this week. And so far he only has 28 hours! Like u have the potential to make 60 hours a week to help get us out of debt and moce out of this mold infested house but u would rather go hunting and leave me and the kids to breathe all this in. (I see what you are trying to say, its like he is so addicted to hunting that it makes him work less. I feel it would be a lot better if the both of you work to get out of debt) I have seriously thought about leaving but Im scared! I do love him but i just cant keep going like this. (This is a sign many boundaries have been crossed, and you are afraid to start alone) He always says he will change and never does. (He will tell you what you want to hear, but will not take action) But I fear I will never find anyone else.(This tells me "I'm afraid to end things with him because I don't know if i will be able to find someone who makes me happy. I need people to make me happy and love". This mindset will make you tolerate a lot of mistreatment) I just feel undateable. and I dont my kids to have split parents.(This right here is an excuse, you are trying to hold to every possible to stay in an unhappy marriage. His behavior will affect the kids emotional and attachment health, and theres a chance they will mimic his behavior. The way he treats you is how he will treat them) My biggest fear would be if he got a new girl how she would treat them. (We don't know this) I just dont know what to do anymore.