I dont know what to think about my GF
My gf told me she is suicidal today and I have been panicking ever since. She has been suffering with depression for a while now and I have tried and tried to get her into therapy, I am literally crying over the phone (we are long distance for the next few weeks) and she is refusing. Initially I thought I had found a therapist offering a texting service, which she agreed to, but she isnt eligible. I told her this and she is refusing to do it over the phone or in person (she doesnt like to talk about stuff, she wont even tell me whats wrong). She keeps saying that it doesn't make sense as I didn't seem to care as much before, when last time it happened I did the exact same. I cried and told her to promise not to commit suicide (which she did).
She also brought up a different past incident which I will describe:
She randomly stopped talking and was very very upset
I was playing on my pc with my friends, sitting across from the bed she was lying on. I told her you can talk to me im right here ok.
She left my room and went to her room (we live in the same flat)
I made her pasta and she didnt eat it. I asked if she would like space and she didnt respond so i left her there.
I slept in my room and she slept in hers (we usually sleep in the same bed).
The next mornign I knocked on her door, and she still wasnt talking. I came back and stayed with her, ordered her food and essentially fed her so she would eat it.
She seemed to start to cheer up, and eventually i went to my room to play with my friends, which made her sad once again
I came back adn stayed the night and the next two days with her. I also cried in front of her saying that I was scared that she wasnt eating or talking for days which she responded to by hugging me without saying a word.
She says that in this incident "I didn't care as much" and that "it's weird" that I care so much now. I said to her that I hate seeing her like that and she said she doesn't believe me. While I was crying she showed no reaction and it even seemed at times that she was almost smirking. This has happened a few times (me crying and her not showing any emotional response). I dont know what to believe anymore I'm distraught and shaking and extremely anxious. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep. I didnt know what to do so i thought id post here. If anyone would like to chat on PM I would greatly appreciate it. Im really worried that im overthinking wayyy too much too because i know i can do that and when im long distance i get severe anxiety.
I would like to know if anyone else thinks its manipulation or if shes just depressed. I have also been looking it up all day and everyone says you should leave if they refuse help and I dont want to and im just so lost right now. I made a post on reddit and someone also said to leave.she seems completely different in person, shes much more caring and she helps alot. she pays for things, cooks and cleans for me, helps me pack. but when we are long distance shes a lot more cold i think i dont know. i dont feel like shes the type to manipulate ppl but im not sure of anythign rn. I can also deal with the depression a lot better in person too.
@emotionalSquare9222
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well.
I just read your post, and from the looks of it you seem like a very caring boyfriend. I think that right now your girlfriend isn't emotionally stable to be in a relationship due to her depression and past trauma, so her actions will impact you. I firmly believe you did the right thing on seeking therapy for her because only a therapist can help her at this moment, however she kept giving you excuses out of fear of saying no and she isn't willing to do what it takes to improve. This might be where you might have to consider the future of this relationship because things won't improve if she isn't willing to go to therapy.
She has a tough time expressing her needs or what she wants, so she will get upset if you can't read her mind (Which is not unfair on you). I think she wanted you to be present and talk with her (During the time you were playing with friends), so at that time she felt unimportant and like her feelings were not important. I believe she became triggered during this situation, and her past trauma made her upset and then leave. They are times where you stayed with her, but she didn't share her feelings with you, and then got mad because you left. It's impossible to maker her feel content, so this will cause you to feel major stress and anxiety.
You are going above and beyond for her, but she still thinks you don't care as much. I think she has unreasonable expectations of what a partner should be, and is not appreciating your efforts. She also doesn't have the ability to soothe you when you are feeling sad or in stress, since it's not something she learned growing up. I understand you love her, but i honestly feel she is not the right partner for you. Both sides need to heal from each other past on order to make a healthy relationship.
@freshLight64
Hey, thank you for responding, I really appreciate it. It has helped me gain some clarity on the situation so thank you very much.
The thing is, I also mistreated her earlier in the relationship. When she used to go silent out of sadness I used to get mad at her. And I was very insecure and controlling. However, I have since changed my ways and I'm trying to be the best partner possible. This is why I am unsure of what to do. Because she gave me chances and helped me change, but I won't be doing the same if I leave.
The reason I am against telling her what I am finding wrong is that I am certain she will not see where I am coming from, or just say that I'm acting weird or cry and make me feel bad for what I'm saying. I really love her so much and if I could I'd give this another chance, but I don't think I can. I don't think she will be willing to look at herself and what she is doing wrong.
Since my last post, I haven't communicated with her at all. This is because I was acting slightly distant on the day of the post, and she picked up on this. The morning after, she didn't say good morning to me and likewise I didn't say it either. Therefore we didn't message or call each other all day. The reason I didn't is that I did not want to speak to her as I am contemplating ending the relationship, but I don't know how to tell her that.
She has since blocked me, and changed the password to her twitter account. I think she will unblock me eventually and try to talk to me. But I guess this shows the extent of the issues in the relationship. I don't talk to her and she blocks me as some sort of punishment.
Thanks again for the help.
@emotionalSquare9222 Honestly, i think the last thing you should do when she says she's suicidal, is give her the silent treatment.. i think it's important not to make her feel hesitant to reach out to you, because what if she really does need help and her pride is keeping her from asking for it? But i understand why you see things that way. You also need to feel loved, and it's especially hard to show this in a long distance relationship. Maybe try writing a letter? Showing compassion as a response to hate or negativity sometimes forces the other to evaluate their own behaviour.
@notthere I mean I'm not giving her the silent treatment. And she wasn't suicidal when she sent me that tweet, she told me she was fine she was just saying. I've spoken to her and spent nights on the phone to her when she has said she has felt suicidal before.
I literally just didn't initiate contact for one day. I dont know what I'm supposed to do. I spend all day thinking about what I should do and I still don't know what to do.
I'm beginning to think we are just not compatible. There are just so many issues I havent even described them all. And even if I go to her with my concerns, I don;t think she will take it well and she will probably just say something like she can't believe im saying this and that I'm acting weird and act like I'm talking nonsense so.
@emotionalSquare9222 I didn't explain properly in the inital post sorry but when I said she told me she was suicidal she sent me a tweet saying "dont be surprised when my depression takes me". And she wasnt even feeling depressed at the time she sent me that.
@emotionalSquare9222
I understand she was there for you during times where you did things you are not proud of, and it's normal the way you feel about this situation. I see you are giving your best effort to make the relationship work, but she isn't making much an effort to make this relationship work.
I don't know how you communicated things to her, but from what you shared, it seemed like she minimized how you were feeling. The moment you hear "You are acting weird", "It's not a big deal", "You are crazy", or "it's not that serious" during times you are sharing concerns about the relationship or what you are going it means the person is minimizing and not caring about how you feel. This is a red flag you can't ignore, it shows she can't communicate like an adult.
It must be incredibly difficult being with someone who would punish you when you don't do what she wants. The way she blocked you on social media is a manipulative and passive-aggressive move on order to make you go above and beyond for her. I highly recommend keeping her out of your life for good, and not putting up with someone like her.
@freshLight64 Okay, I thought so too but I just really wish I could give her a chance. It really hurts so bad. We were long distance for 6 months and we managed to endure that. For the other 6 months I spent nearly every day with her. She is my first love and I thought she was the one I would marry.
On another note, the blocking thing has happened before too. Also when we were long distance. Once I literally just wanted space as we were arguing everyday on the phone during the long distance period, so I said we wont call for a few days. She kept getting upset at me saying that I "seemed fine" when she was really upset about it. When in reality it was affecting me too but it was better than arguing and I was doing it to save the relationship. This then lead to our second break up.
@emotionalSquare9222 Also forgot to mention after said break up, I tried to tell her what I felt she did wrong and thats when she said "youre acting crazy" "is someone telling you what to say" and "this isnt the you i know".
@emotionalSquare9222 I see. I'm sorry that you're going through all this. It's extremely time consuming and emotionally exhausting. I've been there. I was also in a toxic ldr for years. Always broke up.. and it ended with infidelity. The problem was that both of us wanted the same thing, but had different perspectives on how to attain it. We wanted a stable, happy relationship. So i laid out my wants, needs, conditions, and he laid out his, and they were always in conflict. Anyway, the thing is that you are talking to a wall. There are a few reasons to why she might act that way. Has she always been non-confrontational? It's probably the same reason she doesn't wanna talk to a therapist. It could also be a defense mechanism. In truth, she may be afraid of her own emotions. Regardless, this relationship has obviously been putting too much weight on you. Maybe what both of you need is just some space to reevaluate how you plan on fixing your relationship, or to simply to see what's going on from a place where your emotions aren't so actively attached. Have you tried asking her what she wants from you and from this? Because she can't just leave you hanging. No matter how bad depression can get, if your loved one says they are in pain, you listen, and it seems that is not something she is capable of doing.
@emotionalSquare9222
Thats pretty much gaslighting. She is making you feel bad for how you feel, by turning the table on you so she wouldn't take/feel any blame for the wrong things she did on the relationship. This kind of behavior will trigger your anxiety, impact your self esteem, and it will make you doubt your own sense of reality. This kind of behavior is toxic and unhealthy.
@emotionalSquare9222
Depression is a tricky, fickle thing, and it varies between people. Personally, depression is like walking in the woods at night. You can't see anything but the path in front of you. You see eyes glaring at you from behind the bushes, and when you try to scream, only your echoes respond, and they too, drown in the darkness. Parallel to real life, you feel like the world is against you and you’re not sure who to trust. You want to find your way back to "normalcy", but you don't know where that is, nor how to reach it anymore. You've withdrawn too deeply within yourself that all you see are your emotions and your own suffering.
My point is that, depression blinds you from reality. To everyone else, you might be pessimistic, selfish, inconsiderate or manipulative, but to you everyone may be insensitive, judgemental or unreliable. You are unable to see beyond yourself, so you don't notice when someone you love is also having a hard time.
Nevertheless, you cannot continue striving in the position you’re in, and I think it would be good to communicate all this to your girlfriend, tenderly. Tell her you play video games because you also need time for yourself. You’re trying to be strong so you can help her be stronger, but lately you feel as though nobody is caring for you. Explain how hurt and anxious all this makes you feel because you cannot lose her. Something like that. Ask her what she wants from you, because all you want is for her to be happy, but it's not a relationship if only one is trying.