I feel like I ruined everything

This will be long so please bear with me

For a bit of background on my past and stuff first: when I was 16, my first gf died in a car accident and I didn't know about it for 3 days after it happened. I am now 19 and in the years since I was 16, 5 other friends have died, and 2 friends have completely ghosted me. People leaving my life without a word is my biggest fear. One second they are here, and the next they are just gone.. And within the last 2 weeks, I have been sexually harassed, injured repeatedly at work, a fifth friend has passed away, and I am moving to a new country in under a week.

My gf and I have been together for 2 years on and off mostly long distance. She was the first person I loved after I lost my first gf and thought I could never love again. I felt numb to the world and then she came and made everything better, she is the light of my life. But our relationship has always been a bit rocky.

We broke up the first time after she went to a party with her ex and spent the night at his house and didn't respond to me for two days prior and the whole time she was there. She then refused to discuss anything that happened and it made me think she cheated. We later talked about it, she did have feelings for him, but nothing happened, and we decided to get back together.

Her parents divorced in early December, and on January 1st, she abruptly stopped talking to me more or less. She would just disappear or leave me on read for days or weeks at a time. In January, we spoke for a total of six days throughout the month, February and March were the same way. I would basically beg and plead for communication and then she would yell and swear at me. And then on March 29th she broke up with me in a very angry and rude way, she told me I was "A pain in the ass and too needy." After that I wished her well and went no contact so I could try to heal.

A month ago, she reached out to apologize and was very remorseful. She explained that she took her anger out on me and apologized for it. She also explained that she had left our relationship in January but only told me on March 29th. Two weeks after leaving me, she had a 3 month relationship with her ex from that party.

After talking for a week, we decided to give our relationship another shot, things were going well until Tuesday of last week. We were on a call on Facebook Messenger and I wanted to talk about what happened at the beginning of the year and come up with strategies together that would make sure that nothing like that would ever happen again. She got very defensive if her actions and left the call. So I sent a rather long text expressing my thoughts and feelings and she didn't read it.

About an hour later, she texted me on Snapchat asking me what I was doing, I told her about the text I had sent earlier and she told me she didn't like long texts, so I asked if she would prefer I use multiple shorter texts instead. She told me "No, just summarize it." I tried my best but it still came out fairly long. She then said "The fuck did I just say! You know what, just don't worry about it, just forget it!" And she never acknowledged what I had to say. I then apologized for upsetting her and asked her to please not speak to me that way. She then left me on read.

The next day, I decided to drop it, and I asked her how she was doing and got left on read,, 10 hours later I sent her my routine goodnight, I love you, talk to you tomorrow type message and was left on read again.

A day after that she had a big soccer championship, I texted her saying "I'm guessing you haven't wanted to talk or have just been busy but I hope you are doing alright, good luck with your game today, you've got this!" And I was left on read again.

A day later, I saw I was blocked on Snapchat, I then asked about it on Facebook Messenger and it wouldn't go through. A few hours later I saw she had posted on Instagram about winning her championship, I texted her there congratulating her on winning her game and telling her how proud of her I was, and I also asked about Snapchat and Facebook Messenger. 10 minutes later I was removed and unfollowed on Instagram, and an hour later, she still hadn't read my message.

At this point it started to seem like she was ghosting me and I got very scared and upset and I lashed out at her. I sent her a text on Facebook Messenger telling her how I couldn't believe she would just ghost me and asking what I had done to deserve it. I also told her she was emotionally and verbally abusive and that she didn't deserve me and was the worst thing to ever happen to me (both things she had once said of herself.) I have never talked to her this way before and I regretted it immediately. She responded right after saying "The fuck are you talking about, I just woke up! The fuck do you mean I abused you, I didn't do shit! Sorry I have a busy life and can't do everything you want me to!"

I was confused by this and asked why she blocked me and she said she didn't block me on Snapchat and that she gave her password to her friend that day. I then asked about Instagram and she refused to answer. I felt horrible for the hurtful things I said and apologized profusely. I have recognized what I said was wrong and hurtful and explained my emotions and thoughts at the time, how I felt my worst fear was happening again, and explained how I will improve myself and do better in the future. I have told her that her feelings of hurt and anger are valid and that I will respect her boundaries and needs. This is the first time I have ever lashed out at her in anger and I feel sick knowing I caused her pain. She has been leaving me on read for days now and I don't know what to do, I hurt her and that is unacceptable and I feel awful.

Everything I mentioned at the beginning of this post piled on and then I thought she was ghosting me and it scared me and I snapped at her. I hate seeing her in pain and knowing that I hurt her.