I have trust issues and went through my bfs phone
I [20female] have been dating my bf [26male] for a year. Since he's older than me he's had more experince with dating and women and I feel insecure with some of his past relationships. His exs are all tall blonde and beautiful women and i feel inadequate. I am fully that he wouldnt be dating me if he didnt like me but I can't get these intrusive thoughts out of my head. The main issue here happened a couple weeks ago on a night out. He wouldn't stop flirting with my blonde friend and she was definitely interested in him. He paid me no attention and i felt very insecure when he walked arm in arm with her and left me walking behind them. Here's where I know I messed up. I went through his phone. I looked at a message in which he was bragging about having opportunities to cheat. He did say he hadnt took the opportunities but I was already upset. I have been cheated on in a past relationship and he knows I have trust issues steming from that. I knew i shouldnt have been on his phone though so i was never going to mention it until I got drunk and had a fight with him and mentioned ehat i had read on his phone. I lied about how i had found that information but he eventually got it out of me that i had gone through his phone. He said he forgives me but the trust will take time to repaid but i still feel awful. I know i messed up and i expected him to dunp me but idk how to move on. I need to know how to get over these invasive thoughts of mine and my trust issues. Im projecting my stuff onto him and its not right. Please someone help me
@Alicia0010405 that siutation seems very difficult. I am sorry you are experiencing that. It is hard to trust someone when you have experienced cheating in the past that is a valid feeling. I would suggest you to be honest with your boyfriend about your feelings and maybe sit down with him and discuss your concerns. Communication is very important and can go a long way if you can open up and explain what you are feeling and thinking to be on the same page. Best of Luck!:)
@Alicia0010405
It's good that you've determined the truth, that invading his privacy - even if he's a boyfriend - is still wrong and harmful. When people decide to do these things, they may find a message that they take completely out of context and jump to conclusions that are not even real, thus elevate a fight between you and the person you profess to care about.
Let's be clear, this is not something your boyfriend can help you with and it isn't even his responsibility to help you. It's up to you, and your obligation to address either through therapy or seeking the correct help to repair your self-esteem. If you decide to avoid working on this situation, it will likely cause problems with not only this relationship - until it ends, but any other relationships you attempt to get into because low self-esteem acts like an infection and infects everything you do and touch.
Co-Dependent No More is an excellent book on this topic.
You've literally convinced yourself that this man is with you for the wrong reasons, you doubt what he says about how he feels about you, and you said that you distrust him so you justify going through his phone and other snooping activities. This includes starting fights with him just to get his reaction, but it's nothing more than all stage to satisfying that empty need that you have that placates and fills your self-esteem issues.
Come clean with your boyfriend that you do care about him, and you want this relationship to work, but you need to address issues with your self-esteem and you need his SUPPORT, not his HELP. Then, you can outline what that really means and how he can support both of you to get through this together. This process MIGHT bring you both closer together once things improve, yet you need to stay committed to the right outcome to help your self-esteem repair through the proper therapy or guidance.
It's great that you've determined that you have a problem - and that is the true first step. Now, do something about it, and quickly. Do not wait around hoping that it's just going to improve over time as long as he demonstrates he loves you. The self-esteem issue will continue to cause problems between you, because it's a well that is never filled, always demanding more and more, and eventually, it sucks your relationship of all the joy and happiness, until there is nothing left, thus the only option is to leave. Try not to let this situation get to that point and take action.