I'm so tired I wanna let him go
I'm in a relationship with a guy 8years older than me. We've been together for a year. We met during covid so since the start of our r.s it was a bit rocky. We had lockdowns. We didn't have chance to do normal activities like usual couples. Now our country political situation is really bad. And the effect is everybody going out of business and stuff. It's been 4 months since we went through big political changes. During that time I lost all my friends due to picking political side and misunderstanding. I'm also going under pay cut. But still I'm managing. Despite me losing all my friends, all my network and social media appearance due to cyber bulling, the one acting like he got more problem than me is my bf. He is not going through under any pay cut he still have his friends he has the will to go out anytime he wants and yet he is fussing about his business going through a lost. When I mean his business, it is not even his money. It is owned by his uncle and he is just managing it and getting paid salary. So I don’t understand his problem. It is not even his own money and everyday he act like he is going through his mid life crisis. The effect is he doesn’t care about me anymore. We don’t talk. We don’t meet yet we are still in a relationship. I keep holding on for him to become normal but I get sick of seeing him like this. I do understand all relationships has ups and down. And I should be by his side when he is going through his lowest. But this is also my lowest. I’ve been seeing a councilor because even my bf won’t listen to me or be there for me. So why do I have to be there for him. I am a girl and I am managing my life way better than he is. He is 8 years older, unaccomplished, emotionally distant and doesn’t deserve me at all. I just want to tell him what I have on my mind like this. But my heart is so soft that I am not able to tell him these. I am not able to confront him. And everyday it is putting me in my misery. I just want to confront him big time. Knock some sense into him and break up if I need to (even tho it might lead to my heartbreak since I love him a lot) How do you manage with emotionally distant guys? How do you manage with people who need you to be there but who are not there for you. I am so tired.
@independentTalker313
Sorry your life has fallen on such troubled times. It must seem that everything turned sour all at once, and it started raining problems on you. I can see that you must be very exhausted from all of this. But your relationship, you should treat it separately from the rest of your life. Your partner, is not responsible for you losing your friends, the politics of your country, or your work situation. Try to acknowledge that a lot of your frustrations that you feel right now, is not your partners fault - he's not to blame for much of it. However, the connection between the both of you as partners (not discussing all of these issues, him not being present) that part he is responsible for; you both are responsible for. When one partner goes through issues, it puts a strain on the relationship. If both partners care for each other, and care for their relationship TOGETHER, then no partner should be dealing with their issues alone. But you need to communicate your needs to him. You need to tell him everything that is bothering you. Try to speak to him in a way that expresses the problem without attributing blame. Focus on what you need, rather than "all the things he is doing wrong". If you love him, try to resolve the issues and communicate to him what you need to feel loved by him. Give him a chance to meet your needs, and talk him through this - rather than all of this resentment you are repressing inside. Your language towards the end is very confrontational. He has his problems too and these times are hard for him as well. Perhaps as a man, he feels like in these uncertain times, he is questioning also his own identity as a provider, perhaps he is worried about his ability to make you happy, perhaps he worries if he can meet your needs. To him, maybe these are pressing concerns even if you think they are only small... For a man, sometimes expressing their feelings is not intuitive.
What happens next, depends on what you do next. The solution to emotional distance is NOT to repress all of your own emotions. Two people refusing to talk to each other can only increase the silence! Pushing people away only increses the distance. You need to demonstrate to him how to be emotionally intimate, how to communicate your fears and wants and needs, how to maturely communicate that your relationship has problems, through your own example. You need to assure him that you can understand his problems and needs and wants and fears also, to reassure him that it is OK to struggle, and that you will endure the situation TOGETHER because thats what a loving relationship is. The solution to emotional distance is not FRUSTRATION, RESENTMENT and MORE DISTANCE. The solution to emotional distance is TRUST, INTIMACY, COMMUNICATION, and REASSURANCE.
I wish you both all the best ~ !
CatsInTheCradle
Wow this is exactly what i needed to hear. Thank you @Cats