I ruined my friendgroups and miss how it used to be

it all started in 2017. its all parasocial relationships from twitch (livestream platform) and all i wanted was company during the pandemic while i did my homework. eventually i formed a community and made a lot of friends. life was good then. but then i got too close to one of my viewers who became my friend then lover.

eventually we broke up and shes apart of my community still, my community is like my kid and i had to explain how i dont associate with my ex anymore. eventually a lot of drama happened because of how publicized twitch is and there was a lot of backtalk saying whos the bad guy and whos at fault.

my ex became very good at talking and made my community turn on me and a lot of those people stopped coming to my streams. i became the bad guy and my self esteem dropped.

i used to be happy streaming, and would be excited to stream every day. but now i just hide and dread twitch entirely. i hate drama so much.

i have really bad anxiety issues and told the world about my ex and she didnt like that.

my ex kept saying that i shouldnt be calling her my ex because we didnt even have terms or titles, but idk how love works. she didnt know either. we kept fighting over this. my mistake was even falling for her or her to me. we both werent ready for a relationship, and that just ruined everything.

im facing a lot of trauma now, and miss the "good days" where i could just hit the start streaming button and not having to worry about people hating me and all the things they say behind my back. im not good with people, i with my ex knew that and would be more forgiving. i didnt intend to be mean, or mean to my community. i was just confused as to what happened and feel sorry if i hurt anyone while i was still learning.