I want to get something of my chest.
Just want to hear some opinions and also vent.
I've never talked about this to anyone.
I basically cheated on my boyfriend many, many years ago and have kept it a secret. I still feel very guilty, and I am still currently with the guy.
In the past, he used to always talk about breaking up when he was mad about something in his life, or we got into a fight. It would always result in him saying this. He used to be very controlling as well.
I made the mistake of venting to a friend that had a crush on me about this instead of trying to communicate better to my boyfriend or just breaking it off.
I never wanted to break up with him even going through that pain, I was scared that bringing it up would result in us breaking up.
I love my boyfriend dearly, but it used to be very toxic. For both me and him.
I've always been horrible with communication as well, and try to avoid as much conflict in my life as much as I possibly can. I get really bad anxiety sometimes.
Anyways, I ended up venting to this friend a lot. He cared about me very much and did his best to help me break up. But I never wanted to break up.
But at the same time, I felt I should move on, so I gave my friend the impression that I would get together with him if I broke up.
I think I was trying to trick myself into loving someone else to get over my boyfriend. But I never loved my friend.
This friend also started getting obsessed with me, pretty much on a stalker level. Also started getting very controlling, because he didn't want me to get hurt.
I felt like I also owed him something for trying to help me. I never slept with him, but I let him kiss and touch me. Which I deeply regret.
It ended up just hurting me and him very much.
I hate that I let that happen, and I hate that I let my boyfriend treat me the way he used to.
I ended up cutting the friend off completely. It was hard, I hate to lose anyone in my life, I feel like I do my best to cling onto anyone. I hate feeling lonely. I'm a very shy person and haven't been able to make many friends since I moved to a new state in high school.
I know that's another reason I clung to my boyfriend, even when he treated me bad. I worry a lot about him as well because he struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts. Even to this day.
My boyfriend treats me much better now, and we live together with his family. We're going on almost 9 years together.
But I still feel guilt from this. I think if I told my boyfriend this though, he would not be understanding. He hates cheating, and I think this would probably break us up.
I know it's my fault, I let it happen.
I just want to let it out to someone. Also, I've considered going to therapy for a while, not just because of this though.
I never feel brave enough/think I can just get through it/don't want to spend the money.
My life is going well currently, but ended up thinking on this and just want to talk to someone.
@MadiV
really proud of you for opening up <3 I get how difficult it is to live with such secrets, kept from people we love specially
I'm glad things are better with you and your partner now, it is nice when people improve, in the name of love? :)
you stuck with him despite his toxic behavior towards you because you believed in your relationship and gave love the power to rule , do you feel you can tell your partner about the cheating , to come clean with him and share how deeply regretful you are about it .... no you cannot expect him to forgive you instantly or even try to understand, but truth is always better than lies and secrets specially in a relationship, truths have a way to come out sooner or later , the least he'd deserve is to hear it from you , you can tell him how sincerely apologetic you are , and how you have tried to make efforts in the relationship and achieve this better place too with him, 9 years is really a long time , kudos to you both for sticking with each other through thick and thin <3
maybe think if the places were reversed, would you want to know the truth? How would you react etc? this may help you become more compassionate towards your partner's reaction (in case you decide to come clean)
you can assure him that you don't want past to ruin your future together and that you would really appreciate if he could understand this once , which might be a hard conversation but you've spent so much time together you both know how to communicate with each other and when to give space , be patient etc
ofcourse whatever you decide here <3
