I was an idiot and I cheated
Hey people. I need to share my story with you. This is the worst mistake I ever made, and I would be lying if I said it was not weighing on me.
About 10 months ago, I cheated on my wife. It was in a massage salon... not sex, but a "happy ending". It was after my wife and I had probably one of the most stressful weeks of our relationship (nothing to do with us, but external factors), and we had a couple of fights. We were on edge the entire week. Then she left to meet her family, and I was alone. I don’t want to go too much into detail here, but I was so mentally exhausted that I lost control over myself. That’s when the "happy ending" happened. It was a stupid decision I made. It was wrong. I am responsible. I now consider it a huge, huge mistake and regret it terribly. Believe it or not, but I‘m happily married. I love my wife deeply and I know she feels the same way about me. We are very happy together.
Well, but here's the thing. I never told her.
The reason for this is, that I have had conversations with her about the topic of cheating in the past, and she said that if her man cheats on her just once, regrets it terribly, learns his lesson and never does it again, and if there is basically no way for it to come out on its own, then she would not want to be told about it. She said that she believes that it would be selfish of her man to hurt her with this knowledge, and that he would be putting his guilt on her shoulders. She said that her partner would be responsible to deal with his guilt by himself, but should not get her involved. She even went so far as to say that, if she was in a situation where she made a stupid one-time-mistake that she regrets terribly and the roles were reversed, she would keep it to herself as well... If the mistake showed her how much she loves her partner and the relationship, then doubly so. She also said that she believes that in a relationship both parties are allowed to have a certain amount of privacy and are still their own person, so not everything needs to be told all the time. However, she said that she definitely draws the line at repeated cheating or affairs, and in that case she would want her partner to break up with her before pursuing an affair.
In this conversation I told her that I share her views, and that it is probably wise to keep certain mistakes to yourself, as long as you really believe it was a mistake that will never happen again. We were on the same page on this.
I think I know her opinion on this quite well, and I think we had this conversation at least three times, most recently a couple of months ago.
So, this i why I kept this to myself. I believe I have learned my lesson. I now know what it feels like to lose control and act against my own character. It felt like ***. It hurt me. It was a one time thing that will never ever be repeated, and it taught me to be vigilant in the future.
Do you think it was right not to tell her, given what she told me? I have the feeling that she gave me fairly clear instructions how she would like something like this to be handled, but I‘m a somewhat insecure person that is always questioning his own decisions. Regardless of what she told me, I have quite a bit of guilt at the moment. This guilt does not serve me, or her, or the relationship, but it is there. Yes, I know this is my own fault, I‘m aware of this. ☹️
On the internet I read so many comments of people who say "your partner deserves to know", and I would generally agree that this is true in many cases where the partner wants to know, but perhaps it does not apply to everyone. Did I do right by her by not revealing my mistake? Does she "deserve the truth" even if she already made clear to me that she would prefer if I kept my mouth shut?
It‘s a difficult decision for me. I know I‘m the bad guy in this situation, and I *** up, but I think I need some guidance. I want to do right by my woman, and I will never act so foolishly again.
Thanks for reading this, I appreciate it a lot!
@laforge
I think since you had previously touched on this topic with her and you share the same views on the matter ... she is right why put your guilt on her... It is not happening again was only a happy ending sort of thing. i would not make it out to be bigger then that.
Was your discussion in theory only as some say things thinking it will NEVER happen or just a practical conversation ? ( since you said you spoke 3 times about it sounds more practical,)
how would you feel if situation was reversed would you still hold same views ?
@toughTiger6481 Thank you for the kind words and for some much needed perspective! <3
It was definitely a practical conversation about how she would like it to be handled, and I have no doubt that it is her true opinion on the matter, even if I suspect she does not exactly expect me to be the sort of man who makes such a mistake. But I know she has been hurt in a previous relationship, and I think that is why she has such a strong opinion on this. I think that if I told her she might try to forgive me and move on from it, but she said that she is afraid that such a revelation could damage her trust, and she says it would be foolish to risk the whole relationship for something that didn‘t mean anything.
If I were in her shoes, I would also not want to know if it was a one-time thing. I know I would forgive her under those circumstances, especially if she was of the opinion that it was a mistake. If she felt guilty, I would probably want her to let that go and forgive herself for the sake of the relationship.
But yeah, what I did was extremely foolish and not okay. I think the most productive thing to do would be to let go of the guilt I am feeling and to be the best partner I can be going forward. It feels like a cop out to forgive myself, but it is the only way to continue living fully…
Is good that you recognized your mistake. I'm not here to judge you but tell you to search within yourself and know what is go for your marriage and do it. No marriage is the same and no human being is the same. I wish you both great happiness
@laforge It's so good and mature that you had this conversation before. So I think she told you what to do. She was clear "you do your mistake, if you regret it deeply, we can be together just dont bother me with it. deal with your own *** and don't let this mistake have an impact on my/our life". I think she is so rational and I wouldnt have the courage to ever think like this. I would prefer honesty, which is almost the "obvious" answer. she making this statement shows that she really thought this through, and that she in sure of that. otherwise I don't think she would have the courage to say that to you. So I don't think you should tell her. not for you, but for her. (even if you would like it differently in reversed roles, she was very clear on what she wanted)
I understand that you feel guilt, obviously. If I was in your situation, my priority would be do some serious therapy to erase this mistake of my mind and my past. otherwise the guilt can continue with you and it can create issues in the future. and as your wife said, you have to deal with it and dont let this mistake have an impact on your relationship, on your atitude and on anything. So I think doing this work with yourself is absolutely necessary if you want the happy marriage to continue. otherwise I think it will not be so easy for you to go back to normal and forget everything.
Hope you can manage through this. Good luck :)
@ppac Thank you so much for your comment!
Yes, I believe you are absolutely right. I believe the guilt and regret that I feel at the moment has taught me my lesson, and I will have to let it go eventually. While it has not impacted my marriage as of yet, it has made me feel worthless and unworthy of love at times. Like a failure. Part of that might have to do with the fact that I‘m a bit of a perfectionist - When I don‘t live up to my own values, I can be my own worst enemy. I then sometimes fall into thought-loops (like a broken record I repeat my mistake in my head) and my mind becomes "sticky", if that makes sense.
I‘ve read a lot about how others deal with past regrets and guilt, and the view that resonates with me the most is the idea that there is no value in carrying past guilt for longer than you need to learn a lesson. That pummelling oneself with guilt is just one additional mistake. Once you truly know that you will not repeat past bad behavior, you should let go of the guilt and continue your life as a better person. I think this would obviously be best for me, my partner and the relationship, but a tiny part of me is always whispering: "Are you allowed to forgive yourself?"
I think the answer to this might be: "Yes, you are allowed to forgive yourself. Let go of the guilt and act with more integrity in the future."
@laforge Yes I hope you can do it and live happily with your wife, and give her the love she deserves. Most important is be very alert in the future so this doesn't repeat and be cautious! Good luck :)
