I was played for sex, how do I move on from this?
I was dating a guy for the last month.
He was so beautiful, interesting, and amazing in bed.
We had sex after our second date and on two occasions he came to mine just for sex, I'm a big girl and after a long-term relationship with a guy who showed me no affection this felt like something I needed - for the record I don't believe rules like denying sex until X number of dates if you want a relationship, but I don't have sex with just anyone, for me the sex meant something so it didn't feel cheap and part of what made the sex good was that I felt comfortable with him. I don't regret having sex, it was enjoyable and I felt happier than I've done in a while. The sex was amazing and it was very intimate, it felt like it was a lot more than just sex...thus I developed feelings for him.
But there were some niggling doubts as there were hints that he was possibly still dating or having sex with others, I felt he wasn't putting enough effort into getting to know me, and I didn't feel prioritized - I kept convincing myself it's just because he was busy and it's a new relaitonship, also there were hints that he was interested in me for more...clearly I did not realize that he was 'breadcrumbing' to keep me on the hook. I kept convincing myself I was overthinking things, I tried to tell myself just to relax and enjoy it as even if just as something casual the sex was so good it was worth continuing, but I kept feeling anxious so it was just unhealthy. I hoped something would change.
When I didn't hear from him Valentines Day it confirmed to me that he wasn't genuine about me and I decided to stop it, I told him I was ending it and explained it's because he didn't want a relationship and I could no longer pretend to be okay with that.
His reply:
"So much to point out there; but hey, life is short :)"
It was cold and cruel, within just a few lines it was over, just a 'whatever. bye.'
I was still holding out hope even after this that he'd be back in touch tonight, he'd clarify his last message was just mocking me for being silly because he did really want a relationship and wasn't dating anyone else (he was very good at being unclear about what he wanted so I still believed this was possible), that he'd come over and it'd all work out. That didn't happen, he's still on my Facebook friends list and so instead I've spent all night checking to see if he's online and feeling like I'm a big fool...as well as feeling sad it didn't work out.
I was played:
- He dismissed the idea of 'rules' about when to have sex to get me to have sex.
- He was good at making jokes about dating other women to dodge being honest.
- He made me feel so special when we were together to keep me hooked.
Honestly, I'm really unhappy I get no more sex with him - it was so good, so intimate and so kinky, so much potential for it getting better - it's the best sex I've experienced and the way he held each other, slept together, looked into each others eyes, etc. between sex was so incredible that it made me feel like it was completely real and he may have even developed strong feelings for me too. It was that good.
I need to remind myself it's a good thing that I ended it, we likely wouldn't have made a good couple and I knew he didn't value me - his cold/cruel response to my ending it was my proof. It was a good thing that I chose to take control to end it...if I'd continued with dating him my feelings would have grown and I'd have felt more used, if I'd found out he was having sex with others it would have hurt more.
I need to remember that the emotions I felt were only mine and he didn't feel the same, they were based on my fantasy and his deceitfulness. I had this whole thing in my mind that this free-spirited begining was the beginning to a love story, I thought about what it'd be like if we continued having sex, how it'd be when we made it 'facebook official', meeting his friends, learning new languges from him, watching him perform, having long discussions snuggled up together...all complete fantasy, too big a fantasy built on something so new and with someone I didn't know. It wasn't real. It was only sex, intimacy, and my being infactuated with his beauty. I'll find better...I hope!
He knew I wanted a relationship, and the sex did mean something for me.
I don't regret having sex with him, but now I'm feeling heartbroken.
I'm well aware I was an idiot...but what do I do now?
@KashaUK You're not an idiot! What you've experienced is human and makes complete sense. You paid attention to your red flags and got out of the situation, which was probably a good move considering that it was causing you anxiety. Perhaps his "so much to point out there" response wasn't meant to be cruel - I am a little confused as to how to interpret its meaning. Sometimes people can be very slow in deciding what they want - and to the other party, it can feel very much like being "played" or led on, and call me an optimist, but I don't believe most people set out to intentionally hurt or play anyone. Maybe all he meant was that he hadn't decided what he wanted yet and he was surprised that you interpreted his lack of a V-Day greeting as not wanting a relationship. There are all kinds of ways he could have interpreted what you said to him and not all of them have to be negative. It can drive one crazy to analyze and go through all the possible meanings, but just be open to the idea that maybe not all of them are negative.
From reading what you've written, I do get the sense that you staying in the situation would create more anxiety or sadness for you, because you seem to have made up your mind about where you want this to go & you're ready, while he doesn't seem to be decisive or ready. That can create a lot of friction - not the good kind - so just to reiterate, I do feel like you made a good move. 
@CompassionateGirl90 Thank you for your reply, I've no friends to check-in with and it's just nice to have someone confirm that I made the right decision and to know that I'm not the only one who found his response so confusing - although I keep thinking that maybe he'll get back to me and clarify things, and I'm fighting myself not to try to contact him. He persued me and there was some drama at the start but he persisted, it made me think he saw worth in me, it's confusing that he just accepted it without trying to keep it going.
He didn't get in touch last night, so I guess that's that.
I'm not an optimist but I do hold hope in people, I do look for the best - I guess this is why I was so easily 'played' (if that's what happened).
@KashaUK People have all kinds of reasons for doing things. It's entirely possible that your gut feelings about him caring for you were correct. He could still be interested but scared to reach out if he doesn't feel ready for a relationship and knows you're hoping for one. Maybe once the initial hurt has passed, you'll find yourself able to be on a friendly basis with him. You never know! I completely understand not having a group of friends to talk to, so I'm glad I could help.
@KashaUK
It was an experience that you don't regret. Hold on to the good memories and hey he set the bar for good sex. It will be fun to find better and you WILL. plenty of great guys are good in bed and will treat you right. You didn't deserve his coldness. You're not alone 💜💜💜💜💜
@KashaUK first things first, I want to commend you for posting this on here because it shows that you are vulnerable and that's really important for a woman to be especially in this day and age, it shows true honesty and courage.
2nd, I noticed you said that you were a big girl, you wanted a relationship, and you expressed this to him. Men don't think like us, so when you said that, he felt that he was already being forced into something that he didn't want. Even though he didn't voice it, it was clear in his actions. A man can connect with you physically and intimately, and if he doesn't have that MENTAL connection that keeps him attracted to you, he'll just move on. I'm saying this because hopefully this will bring more awareness to how men think and how we as women have to see that they're whole process, anatomy, and even thoughts are totally different from ours. So even though you're holding out hope, from what it sounds like, it was a learning lesson for what will be a better connection mentally next time instead of a better sexual connection.
3rd, Good sex is important, I understand. However, after that it becomes more about a deeper connection. If that's not already established, then it wasn't a good thing to start anyway. Basically, he knew you deserved better and it will resonant with him because he jokes about it and he knows it hurt you. However, if he's not accepting responsibility for it, he's not mature enough to understand what you offer more as a woman because of your energy. You sound like such a beautiful, loving, kind spirited woman who knows what she wants. the only person who can bring you happiness is YOU. If you're depending on this man to bring you happiness, you'll keep ending up disappointed. Take this time to get to know yourself and everything else will fall into place.
Fast-forward two weeks...
This guy gets back in touch again, asking why he's not heard from me.
My friends think he's playing games and tell me to block him, but I talk to him and the next day my therapist advises me to talk to him too to see if he would be willing to continue things - I'm at a complete loss as I'm getting VASTLY different opinions on this situation.
People say that if a guy likes you he'll find any way to talk and spend time with you, so it's possible this guy isn't that into me, but equally he's a genuinely busy guy and it may just be that it's too soon. Some people think he's using me for sex and playing games, and there's a lot of evidence for that, but it's also possible I'm expecting too much too soon...I'm used to being in relationships where I have a lot of security and stability (I'm not used to dating), also as I've no close friends I've no one to keep up-to-date with what's happening to help me stay grounded and avoid anxiety driving me to false conclusions. I just feel like a huge emotional anxious mess not sure what's going on.
He insists he wasn't just using me for sex, I told him I'd want to date but only if there was a chance of a relationship, but he doesn't know what I mean by relationship and says he doesn't know me well enough yet. We were only involved for around a month, only three dates in that time, so may still be too soon for me to demand we're exclusive - maybe I have been unreasonable and maybe he wasn't using me.
He suggested we'll meet up soon, I don't know what's going to happen when we meet-up...
Maybe he'll have no interest in continuing things with me, he's not been in touch the last two nights to follow-up on the conversation we had about meeting up and after two weeks without talking maybe this all shows he's just not that into me any more. I'm scared of losing him , that I've messed it up, but also scared if he has just been using me and if we start-up again I'm showing myself as utterly pathetic.
I think being so anxious and having no one else in my life is making me put too much emphasis on this.
