Just had to see my ex

We've been broken up for a while now but she was my first love and hurt me worse than I ever could have imagined being hurt.

Everybody said she was fucked up, not good for a relationship, wouldn't settle down for a long time, would be going for fling to fling. Well less than a year after we were done, she committed to the guy she slept with behind my back the first time we dated and has been with him since. Fucking kills me she's been the loving committed girlfriend that I thought I was getting all to this guy from another country she screwed behind my back.

I had to see her because she is my best friend's fiance's sister and we had some pre wedding stuff to do as the wedding party.

I don't have that visceral anxious reaction to seeing her anymore. We, as a group, had a good time. My ex and I even talked 1 on 1 for a bit. Didn't hurt or kill me. Till she told me she's moving to the Mediterranean with him. Didn't kill me but just such a wtf.

It's just sucks and is so weird, somebody that used to cuddle as close to me as she could, squeeze me and tell me she loves me, tell me how happy I made her, would giggle with me nonstop, tell me everything about her life and her days, now looked at me as if I'm somebody she's met maybe 10 times in her life. I was the one she used to get so excited and happy to see. I was the one she was thinking about all the time. The one in her heart. Now she sees me and I'm pretty sure I'd measure up to be less than a speck of dust in her universe.

I didn't expect her to jump into my arms or anything like that, it's just weird. And it still hurts deep down that she couldn't be committed to me and love me the way she does this guy she's been with.

All I wanted was her to love me the way she said and acted like she did. To be really committed to me. It's sad to think about all the places we could have traveled, live music we would have seen, the group dates we could have gone on, the breakfasts, the lunches, the dinners, all the small special moments. Never happened.

I guess she'll always be the one that got away.

Fuck.