LOW SELF-ESTEEM BECAUSE OF PORNO
Hi. I’m 27 y/o. I’m a working mom and I’m married with 1 child. As they say there’s no perfect marriage, that is true. Throughout my marriage life we experienced bumps on the road. Last night, I used my husband’s phone because mine was still charging, I used his to google something up. I got curious and was carried away (I know I shouldn’t have). I searched for this app on his phone because I already knew that’s where he kept his porno, that’s fine with me—him watching porno, I mean it’s normal for men, right? But what really shocked me is that he paid someone to send him nudes, he really privately messaged this hooker or whatever you call them to send him nudes. I mean, that really hit me. Now I’m questioning my self-esteem, I’m questioning if I am enough for him to desire me, I am questioning my worth as a wife. I know that I am a good mother, there’s no doubt in that, I may not be a perfect mom but I am a good mother. But the real question is, am I a good enough wife?
@optimisticPeach2056
I've never met him, nor had a conversation with him, but I'm male. As a guy, I can tell you that porn isn't always a replacement for something in a man's life, and it's not always a reflection on you. That includes what you're doing, what you're not doing, and internalizing the issue the way you are while taking it personally, when it may not even be that way at all.
Some men are very private about their porn activity, while some are open to the possibility of sharing that with their partner. I'm not sure which your man is, but perhaps you may try to find ways to share porn together versus there being a wedge between you, and a set of "secrets" that are impacting your relationship, and causing self-doubt.
These types of conversations have to be handled with care though, because it can end up in a huge fight which I'm sure you'd like to avoid - that is because it's hard to have these types of conversations about porn and things being taken personally without blame being assigned, which should absolutely be avoided at all costs. It's not about whose fault it is.
Porn has a time and place. When there are signs of addiction or compulsion then those are the times when there is concern, but many men engage in some form of pornography and are quite healthy. If you asked them why, some actually admit that it's to unburden their wife or girlfriend with their own sexual needs and gratification. It's actually healthy and true that men masturbate even if they are in relationships, even marriages, and there is not a thing wrong with that.
In your case, you've stated that you're feeling perhaps sidelined or not good enough for him, which is valid that you feel that way, but try to own up to the fact that his porn habits are not a direct reflection of you.
If anything, I'd highly suggest a non-confrontational discussion without distractions (kids, phones, TV, etc.) to discuss what you're feeling, what you'd like more of, and see what he says. Try to work with the end in mind, of what ideal looks like, versus assigning blame and shaming his porn habits.
Just a suggestion, but the both of you could do a sexual inventory questionnaire, and dig in to find out where there are disconnects between you on your sexual relationship. It would help you both learn about one another and get the conversation going on what you both want and need from one another sexually.
Oh lastly, porn - at least for most men in relationships - isn't necessarily filling a void or something missing. It's just extra. Women are beautiful to look at, they were made that way, and there is even a cosmetics industry that is a billion-dollar industry, along with women's clothing stores (Victoria's Secret, etc.) that aim to help women feel empowered, sexy, and desirable. Although, in my personal opinion, it's well over the top to make higher sales and appeal to women's insecurities. However, the point I'm trying to make is that once a man has seen one woman naked, you're naturally curious about others, that does not mean we do not value or appreciate the woman we see naked the most at home. Disrespect is not always warranted or intentional, but merely a perception. It can be as simple as that, but you won't know unless you both engage in discussion and healthy conversation.
