Losing myself and my joy in life in a relationship

First of all, welcome to 7 cups! Now, from what I've read, it seems like you've had quite a hand full trying to keep yourself and everything around you together. While this may have been good and great in the past, you said it better yourself, you are feeling the wear and tear of all the different things slowly adding up. I have a few advices for you, but remember to take everything I tell you with a grain of salt.

@TheBigBangTheory

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

I am 25 years old and in a relationship for over 2 years (my first one). Weve also been living together for about half a year now. I care a lot about my girlfriend but I am just not as happy as I feel like I should be.

I know she is very happy, (What about you? are you happy?) I really give it my all to try and keep her happy. (This tells me you are putting her needs and happiness first over your own, its starting to sound like its all about her being happy)However I feel like its been getting to me, I think I am just not up to the task. (This is a sign that you are reaching your limit because you have given her so much thats making you lose yourself in this relationship) She deserves better than me, I am trying to fill shoes that are too big for me.

Maybe we are just too different, in the way we like to live life and the way we look at it. She is very neat, controlling and strict and needs to have everything planned out ahead. (This indiciates she lived in a household where they were strict rules in placed, and if things were not done in a certain way then she would either be punished or attention was withdrawn from her. She learned these kind of behaviors from watching her parents) If something messes up said planning she has a kind of breakdown. (This probably has to do with how she was punished or attention was withdrawn from her if something mess up or being late, so often this will build anxiety inside her and then she will lose emotional self control) She has an overall negative view of everything, (She has a lot of limited beliefs about herself and the world from her experience with people) and Ive had this too in the passed. But Ive tried to change and people see me as a positive person now. However it does cost a lot of energy and work to do so, but its just too much to do it for two people. (It sounds like you are doing pretty much everything in the relationship and its getting overwhelming)

I made a big mistake a few months ago where I started to use an electric cigarette to try and calm myself down with the stress Ive been having. (It's not a bad thing if this is something you enjoy) She found out a little while back and she got really upset. (She was triggered here. She felt unimportant and that you didn't trust her about this, so she got upset at you about this, but the real issue is her insecurities and anxieety) She didnt breakup with me but I did hurt her feelings a lot. (You didn't hurt her feelings, her insecurities and anxiety are what made her feel hurt)

I feel incredibly guilty about the fact that i hurt her feelings. (Her feelings were hurt because she has emotional issues and past hurt) Because ive always tried to make her life as comfortable as possible and to try and make her happy. (This is the pleaser role where you go above and beyond for her without thinking that your needs and wants are important)And this went against all that.

What I did notice was that I felt bad that she didnt end it. And it made me rethink a lot of things. I noticed that Ive grown unhappy and stressed out. (You are supressing your needs, wants, desire and happiness to make her happy, this is going to make you feel unhappy and resentful at some point) Ive lost all forms of friends or social contacts and I cant do any of my hobbies anymore. (I can tell your focus is 100% on making her happy and the relationshop, its causing you to feel unhappy and its not leaving you much time to do outside things) I really feel down and I want out.

I cant get it over my heart to tell her that. I dont want her to get hurt more. (You are getting hurt and feeling unhappy, shouldn't that also be important too?) She always says she is happy with me and that she will never find anyone else if i was gone. (Thats how she feels in the moment, it doesn't apply hours or days later) She doesnt want to lose me.

I do care about her so much, but I think its been costing me my mental health/happyness to be in this relationship. (Thats where you got to really think about what you want and what are the benefits of this relationship)

I am not breaking up as of now, I will keep trying to keep her happy. (It doesn't work like this, you are keeping her happy while surpressing your feelings and needs...it shouldn't be like this) Maybe it gets better after a while. (it won't) Maybe not. Maybe shell breakup with me eventually. I want her to be happy even if its not with me, so how can I breakup with her if I know how much itll hurt her? (All breakups hurts, both sides will feel hurt whether you or her end things, so the hurt part its something you won't be able to stop.) I cant address these issues because then she has a breakdown. (She has a hard time regulating her own emotions, this will make communication very difficult with her. This relationship will not improve unless she is able to fix this issue because it's going to make you walk on eggshells) I am trapped and I dont see how I can solve the problms without hurting anyone. (If she is not able to work on herself, improve everyday, then its going to be difficult being in a relationship with her)

I really dont think my issues are caused by her, (A lot of the issues are caused by both. She tends to lose emotional self control often, wants to be in control, a bit selfish, while you are behaving in a pleaser way, putting her needs first and not expressing how you feel.) It must be me. (I would say she is causing most of the issues) Its my first relationship, but could it be someone is just not meant to be in one? I wish I could turn back time and that shed never known me.