Marriage is falling apart
Hi there, thanks for reading. I’ve been married coming 4 months now but been with my husband close to 8 years.
A week after our wedding, he had plans to visit his family back home which I trusted him and he went away for a month. I found out February this year that he had cheated on me with someone he had been talking to virtually. His nephews wife told me about his apparent mistress as her fb recommendation page popped up on the feed.
My husband opened up to me that had been cheating when he went away after all our friends found out. If his nephews wife never saw the mistress fb business page, I’m not sure my husband would hav told me and he would still be continuing to act normal.
He also opened up to me that he waa acting fake, acting fake in front of my family ans basically that he wanted to not go ahead with the Wedding but waa scared to tell
He also blamed me that I had fault as well that we were not a team, he didn’t feel appreciated, I didn’t buy him things and that we weren’t transparent with money.
He also opened up and told me some things which he has been unfaithful through out course of our relationship.
During covid, he felt alone and had talked to many people online but with this girl he idk would you say”virtual gf” he was living a double life, I don’t know how someone can act like that but in real I was with him everyday. He basically created another version of himself online, opposite to what he is now and that’s what the mistress apparently knew that he was single.
it’s complicated now and I’m scared to tell my family about our marriage breakdown but we will be getting a divorce.
In my eyes, everything seemed fine but maybe when he’s with me, he’s trying to act good. My husband also opened that he feels stuck, and that he can’t do anything and that he is genuinely not happy. The other day he said it’s more of a need rather than love and that he stayed so he could use me for his application.
life is tough and he’s put so much misery
@SimpleNil
I am sorry your world is being upside down ......
while i am a firm believer in both parties looking over what happened .......in a relationship ...when a person does not feel a part of a team..........feeling alone, unappreciated and unhappy is a recipe for disaster IMO.
I am sorry it sounds like he was using you all along... it is not a good person who would do this go through the wedding even though it sounds like he did not want to.
Do not be scared to tell your family .........you just found out you have been living a lie .. and need support..... yes it can be many emotions about feeling maybe even embarrassed that you did not see this but in the end making an act about how or why this happened will crumble.
owning up to the truth is the only way to set your self free..... pretending it is something else only makes you creating a false story for others ..... like the fake life he created with you and people he was chatting with.....
Thank you @toughTiger6481.
I’m in a whirlwind of different feelings, angry, ashamed, that I feel like I loser for wasting and investing my time on him. I could write a thousand words to express this.
but I don’t understand if he was feeling all these things from the start, why he did not talk to me and just kinda let it slip and maybe think that I’d pick up the pieces. But really it’s him that’s feeling all this way, he told me I didn’t have any fault and that it’s his fault for not stopping earlier.
he’s telling our friends different reasons and whatever the truth is, I am scared to tell my family because we’re just newly wed but he wants to end on good terms, so I can’t tell my family there was a third party and rather that we fell out of love
@SimpleNil
i understand the whirlwind you are going through i have been there myself.
the reality is we just fell out of love is more confusing and your family will make some assumptions and their own story.... truth is better IMO
you are not alone i am mystified by people who will not or think they cannot admit as a relationship progresses........ this is not working .....
marriage is not where he wanted to be unless it was as you said to apply for visa or resident application etc.... At that point when you do divorce..... in my country they assume it was a fake marriage to work the immigration process and both parties can be charged with a crime.
IMO too many plan a wedding like a party and in time they decide "hey i really do not see this long term " this IMO are things to think through BEFORE making a commitment .......... not just marry and divorce ... repeat.
i can see long term we gave it a great shot but far too many i have seen lately is at tops 3-4 years or shorter ... i have quit accepting invitations anymore to only see them fall apart after having a wedding more as a party
@toughTiger6481
You are right on that. I know my family will want to know the bigger picture. My relationship with my parents has not been easy, when I was in high school leading up to my twenties I never had the chance to experience to have any sorts of difficult conversations and this will come as a shock and anger. I don’t want to be seen as a failure with just after 4 months wedding, it’s all crumbling down kind of scenario.
I have a Asian background so I feel that admitting this is now working is kind of giving me goosebumps.
I think my husband meant with the application was with car loan, finance loans and our house as well. So of course we needed a joint application and I had to support with my employment salary etc.
In my country, a divorce is quick I believe, just need to speak to a lawyer but we need to be separated for 12 months. Also need to sort out joint assets and everything.
Well my husband has a fake persona, so if we were organising the wedding etc and he’s going ahead with it. How would I know that’s he’s really not committed and he couple of voiced that out?
thank you for sharing your similar experience
I wish you all the best throughout this process. I can relate to your family, it took me 5 months to tell my family about my divorce. Be strong, all the best wishes.
Thanks @energeticWillow4306
Did you tell your family first that you and your partner wanted to seperate or did you finalise the application and tell them after?
im trying to be strong but I don’t want any difficult situations that will ruin my family coz of this matter 😞
I told them we were separated, then I filed for divorce. Your family needs to understand, love cannot be forced. I know it's too soon to think about the future but with time things will get better.
Some times we have to keep things from family members. I didn't tell my family about muy separation from my husband until 5 months later. That's because I was scared of their opinion. I was not wrong. My parents have been married for over 50 years. Multiple times my mom has insulted me, even after 8 years. She claims I am a failure for getting a divorce.
@energeticWillow4306
People in long term marriages often do so because it was expected ..... but many are not happy ..... some stay because at a certain point they cannot afford to let go...
no one is a failure in admitting something did not work .......and chose happiness OVER what is expected you should feel sorry for your mom cause any mom who does that to their child ..... probably is jealous you had the courage to move on
Agree! I did get to that same conclusion. Although my parents have been married for a very long time, they are not in a loving relationship. Settling should never be ok. I always reinforce that to my daughter.
@energeticWillow4306
This is exactly how I’m feeling. I’m scared of their opinion. We attended a family 50th bday yesterday and my husband left early. My parents came to the house and wanted to use one car but basically I had to lie saying that he was unwell and we will use two cars as he’ll be going home early.
my parents got annoyed during the night coz my husband left but didn’t even say bye to them or the hosts. He’s not feeling it, but I didn’t force him to go. This was our god mum for our weddings bday.
then last night, my parents wanted to stay over and when we got home. The car was not in the garage and I didn’t know where my husband had gone. All they know is he left the party early as he had a sore foot and not feeling well so I had to lie saying oh he just went to a friends house . I found this morning he went to his mums.
my mum call me this morning and is mad with my husband how he left the party last night without any manners, he just wanted me to tell eveyone that he going but couldn’t say it himself. My mum is starting to feel that something is going on, she said we married and even he ask there hand in marriage for me and why is he acting like this
Being honest with your parents is the way to go. I know you are anticipating a bed reaction from them, but I'm sure they have noticed his actions. For all you know, your parents might be very supportive and you'll get through this stage with ease.
@SimpleNil
I am sorry that the marriage turned out the way it has.
From everything you've shared, it sounds like the relationship had been over for a while but he kept pretending for his own selfish reasons. It was cruel and unfair of him to go ahead with the marriage knowing that he was no longer invested in a relationship with you.
The "virtual gf" you are talking about would have been emotional cheating, except even there, he has lied and built a fake persona. So he has been catfishing someone there too, pretending to be single and built another lie there. It's more like he was living out a fantasy there because he didn't want to deal with reality.
At this difficult time, it would greatly help to have some support from family/friends, but we don't know your family circumstances - Why are you scared of sharing with your family?
Thanks @Om
Im feeling genuinely sorry about everything, and why my life had to go down this path. Just looking at my chat history with him when he was back home in Dec, he was saying how much he loved me and wishing many blessings for this coming year. He kept pretending I think to show that he was goody goody as he won’t have anyone to support him, that it was more of a neeed to stay with me coz I cooked etc .
With our wedding, idk why he just didn’t say straight up when we both had our seminar with our priest. Just annoyed the shivers out of me. Yeah well with that virtual gf, I have a gal friend that did message this mistress that my husband was a married man and even showed our wedding photo. And I found out today form another friend that my husband posted a photo story of the virtual gf saying “best friend” he’s basically removed me from there and his fb .
we still live together but seperate, I’m just ashamed of my family because I will feel like I let them down. In our family, we are very tight and I’ve never had to have any difficult conversations with them even when I was during my younger years. This will come as a shock to them because they raised me right, and they think in there eyes my husband is a good man etc. I just don’t want any arguments if I tell them that we are no longer together, we built our home and had a big wedding so it’s all going to come as a shock to the wider family friends .
i was looking forward to this new year after the wedding, we had many dreams and I just feel like it’s a curse or bad energy has come our path. I’m trying to get my husband to be open to me, and I don’t know why he wasted my time if there is indeed a relationship with his virtual gf.
@SimpleNil
I guess your initial post holds the answer to a lot of your current questions. You do know why he wasted your time - he has clearly admitted he used you for his application. He showed no respect or consideration for you, your future, your marriage, your feelings, your dreams or even your family. What more remains to be solved or understood about him?
Understandably, this will be a shock to your family just as it has been a shock for you. Perhaps their wisdom and experience can help you extract yourself from this unpleasant situation with the least possible hurt.
As some of your friends already know about his virtual gf, the truth about him and the way he behaved is bound to come out sooner or later. It is much better if your own family hear it from you rather than from third parties. He has let you and everyone down. No matter what his issues were, he intentionally deceived you into the marriage knowing fully well that he had no intention to be in the marriage with you. This divorce is the result of his lies and cheating - not your fault at all.
Thanks @Om
I’m genuinely feeling scared. My mum called me this morning and knows something is up. Please see earlier thread where I explained we attended a family birthday.
my mum and dad couldn’t sleep coz of my husbands no manners yesterday leaving an event without saying bye. And I’m lieing to my mum where my husband is makes me feel bad. There’s too many problems on top of another.
I want to tell my family but I want my husband to be present. He told me doesn’t care what the eff I tell My family. His behaviour is so rude and disgusting .
@SimpleNil
This. Exactly. He doesn't care about you, your family or anything that doesn't directly impact him. He made the mess through his lies and wants to leave you to deal with it alone, to get him out of the mess.
For your parents, the hurt he is causing by the way he behaves is confusing and annoying to them. but the hurt you'd cause (remember, you are family you are one of their own!) if they knew you lied to them is much much worse. Coming from an Asian background myself I totally get it. The standards are just different. The path of least resistance might be in confiding in your mother (not 100% but enough to let her know you are very much hurt by him and need her help). See how she takes it and allow her to go on for a bit. It settles down. At the end of the day, you're family and family looks after family.
@SimpleNil that's tough. My spouse cheated on me..I know the hurt
Sorry to hear @adaptableWarrior8989
Im hurt so bad coz my life is already set and now it’s like everything has been taken away from me because of his wrong doings. The number of wrong doings doesn’t or will not ever compensate me
It's the lies for me..not that the truth hurts less it's just .why lie when they know we know something is wrong
Thanks @adaptableWarrior8989. Sorry to hear and I hope you’ve recovered, I’m only 29 and I feel like a failure for having experienced this 😞
Ok, so I’ve decided to go to a psychic and I saw someone today. Apparently the mistress had done some sort of black magic on my husband to take him away from him that’s why my husband is acting the way he is. When he went back to his home country, apparently the girl had seen some bad doctor and put something in his drink which he drank. And also the girl is not pregnant so my husband thinks she is oh my gosssh 🤣
