My Relationship with My Mother is Toxic

@anonyMoon4252

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

To sum up a lifetime, I am a people-pleaser and my mother has Manipulative Personality Disorder. People always say to cut toxic people out of your life, but what do you do when that person is your mother? (Its very easy to say "cut her out of your life", but its hard to put it into action because shes a parent)

Basically, she looks to me for her happiness and I can't always fulfill that for her. (I can tell she has tons of unmet needs from her chilhood, so she seeks to get them met through you. It's impossible to give her what she looks for because these are things her parents were supposed to give her) It's unhealthy how I have had to spend my whole life consoling and parenting HER, that is supposed to be her role. (Its understandable you feel is unhealthy, its unfair of her to expect this from you. I don't know if you are an adult, but if you are an adult then you have a choice of how much interaction you want with her) When everyone else disappoints her, she looks to me as her last hope and if I can't fulfill her needs, all hell breaks loose. (She has unreasonable expectation of what she wants of people, so when things are not done in the way she wants then she uses controlling or manipulative tactics to force her way. You are allowed to set boundaries such as "Hey mom i would prefer if we don't talk about this", she might get mad, but she will respect it if you stay firm) These are her commons phrases:

"Why am I always there for everybody and nobody is there for me?" (She has an intrusive, smothering, controlling and manipulative behavior, so people will not really want to deal with her. She has zero awareness of how her behavior is impacting everyone around, and often she sees other people as an extension of herself without realizing all of us have our own individuality separate from her)

"After everything I have done for you, you treat me this way? You are so unbelievably ungrateful." (The child and impulsive part inside of her tends to come to the surface when people don't do what she wants, so her past trauma replays in the present because she has never dealt with her own issues. She is being manipulative, and doesn't show unconditional love)

And when I try to remind her that I am an introvert and am trying to put my mental health first by taking time to myself to recharge and I can't be with her every second of the day, (You did the right thing here. You set a boundary and you explained in a loving way how all of this makes you feel. It's important to stay firm through thin and thick because she will keep trying to push to see with how much she can get away with) she takes it extremely personal and claims that "I don't love her" (In other words "You are not doing what i want or need, so it means you don't love me at all". This is the typical response a person with unmet needs, anxiety, manipulative tactics would say to keep their victim inside a box and to make them do what they want. She is heavily focused on how she feels, that she lost empathy for how her behavior impacts you) and how she wishes I loved her as much as she loves me. (This is another form of manipulation. She doesn't know how to love unconditionally, so she knows nothing about love) Oh, and my least favorite guilt trip of all time: "When I'm dead and gone, you are gonna be sorry and you are gonna wish I was still around to care about you." (This is a manipulation and emotional abuse. This is her way to make you feel inadequate and uncessful about yourself, and to keep relying on her. She is trying to take away your freedom and keep you contained inside a box so she can manipulate you into meeting her unmet needs)

Just absolute insanity.

So in conclusion, I am all ears if anyone has suggestions on how to deal with people like this. (One thing im noticing is that you are setting the boundaries, but perhaps you are not willing to walk away and then give in. I have a mother who is similar to this, i set a boundary and then walk away as a i wait for her to talk with me first) I love my mom to death and that's why it breaks my heart when she's so mad at me most of the time. (You are not the problem here. People who grow up in traumatic backgrounds will carry child-like parts such as; Impulsiveness, Impatience, Manipulation, Selfishness, Punishing behaviors and many others. Your mom has those child-like parts so she gets angry when people don't do what she wants in the same way a child would. Her trauma is just being replayed because she has not dealt with it) I just feel like I can never do anything right and I am a failure no matter what I do. (I can see how stressful and tough this situation is for you. Her unmet needs are something only she can fill on her own, however she project those unmet needs on you without realizing how it impacts you) I know it's unhealthy to always agree to what she wants but I do it to keep peace for just a little while longer, when in reality, it's just gonna happen again anyway. (I can understand why you would do this, since her behavior tends to impact you. The problem is that if you keep doing this, then she will not chage) I need to learn how to set boundaries and form a thicker skin against her harsh words, but it's hard. (Her words will impact you since it comes from a parent, but one thing that helped me is to slowly develop a sense of self. A sense of self consists of what you like, what you do, personality traits, hobbies and other things that makes you who you are)