My boyfriend may be in contact with his ex..what do I do?
I recently found out my boyfriend is still in contact with his ex. A few weeks ago she messaged him out of the blue asking how he was. He told me about it and, at first, asked if it was okay to respond because this woman had cheated on him before and he saw she was in a relationship and wanted to be sure she wasn’t doing the same to the other guy as she did to him. I was reluctant and he knew it made me uncomfortable, however, I understood his reasoning and told him it was okay as long as he kept me updated about it. Well some time had passed and I ended up having to ask him about it because he never told me what happened from there. Well, he told me that she told him her relationship had just ended and they had a brief conversation, she asked about his music because he writes songs. He showered her a song of his which made me uncomfortable because I feel that’s a little personal to be showing an ex and he even got a little defensive when I expressed my concerns and he said she never responded after that, so I figured that was the end of it. Well, recently I was setting some alarms in his phone for him that morning as I typically do before heading out to work and saw her name in his messages and that it was from a couple days ago, not the weeks back from the first time. I did what I shouldn’t have and looked at the messages. The messages from the first time seemed to have been deleted, however there was a conversation that was continuing and they weren’t flirting or anything however they were both talking and sort of apologizing for things in their past relationship. Im scared to tell him I know, but I’m very upset this is ongoing. What does this mean? What should I do? I was okay at first when he was upfront about it, but now he’s not even telling me this is going on.
@djhmbtr If they are just friends, maybe ask why that bothers you? Has your bf been distant or inattentive in other ways or is this just somebody he stayed friends with? Many people chose to stay friends with certain exes because it helps give a sense of closure or keep some of their support system. Are you friends with some of your exes?
I am not actually friends with any of my exes and maybe that has something to do with it. But they aren’t friends that I am aware of. Prior to this, from my understanding, he hasn’t talked to her since they broke up a while back and that they didn’t get along because she cheated on him with multiple guys. He has been distant prior due to wanting space for him to grow and with working a lot, and I’ve been wanting to be respectful of that, but this does have me concerned. I’m not sure how to approach the topic with him though.
@Daydreamer47
Hi @djhmbtr, welcome to 7cups and thank you for reaching out. And sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time. May I ask he's not talking about it because you feel uncomfortable before? As I understand what you write that he didn't give any reason for you to doubt. But, I believe it's important to have a transparent conversation in any relationship. So I'd say talk to him, but if you need a listener before that for help you understand how you feel about it first, feel free to find a listener anytime you want.
@iJUNAID thank you, I am very appreciative of any and all advice. I do think that maybe my getting upset last time could have something to do with him not telling me this time, but it seems we are both maybe at a place of not knowing how to communicate. I express my feelings a lot, but he doesn’t really. I’m worried he will even get upset and dismiss it if I ask. I don’t want to be afraid to show how I feel about something out of fear that he will stop communicating because of how I express my feelings.
@djhmbtr I understand you, and it's valid. I just pointed out a possibility that doesn't mean it's right. As I said you should always communicate no matter. I'm sorry if I upset you, feel free to reach out of you want to talk.
