My depression is making my relationship so difficult.

@Dan1989

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

I've suffered from depression since I was a teenager. over the years I've learned to manage it to the point where it doesnt impact my life so much. (I'm proud of you for being able to do this, depression is one of the most draining things a person goes through) I can still work and take care of other responsibilities until the depression has passed.

However I'm in a relationship now with someone whose moods and behaviour can be very volatile. (This is a red flag here, it communicates she has a hard time regulating her own emotions.) Shes had a difficult up bringing, which has left her very insecure in lots of ways. (Most people grow in these kind of families which is unfortunate, but has she done a thing to improve on this?) she doesnt handle stress or problems very well, usually getting disproportionally angry over small things. (This does indicate she tends to keep things inside for long periods of time, and then explodes for small things)

The biggest problem is that things get taken very personally. When I phoned her up to tell her that I was going to have to go to the doctor and that I wouldnt be up to seeing her that weekend she got very angry. (If you are going to cancel a date or a meet up with her then it would be best to mention another day and time you will be able to see her, if not she will cause drama and issues. The way she got angry has nothing to do with you, her past trauma and issues were triggered and she felt neglected the same way her parents made her feel)

She accused me of being selfish. (She is being disrespectful here, I hope you stand up for yourself because if you didn't then it will only get worst. She is accusing of things as a way to manipulate you into getting closer to her, and then doing what she wants) She was upset that I hadnt talked to her about my depression. (This has to do with her insecurities, not telling her things makes her feel unimportant and that you don't trust her. You don't have to talk about your depression with her, it's a choice, however she is behaving as if you have to tell her everything and it's unfair.) This is because I know how she usually takes it personally and then gets angry with me. (I hope you didn't behave on a nice guy way such as "I'm so sorry" or being a pleaser when she gets like this.) She also was very offended that id been able to go to work, but wasnt up to seeing her. (This is starting to indicate that she doesn't feel happy in the relationship and that you are not standing up for yourself, so she is creating fights and arguments. You should look at the beginning, how often you two met? if it was a lot of times then she will create drama about it) I do a practical job and find doing something physical helps me to work through the depression. I had to hang the phone up as I just couldn't cope with her laying into me. (It's not a good idea to hang up the phone without saying "contact me when you calm down so we can both talk like adults, im gonna hang up") I text one of her relatives to call her. (This will only get her even more mad at you...)

The same thing happened the next day when we spoke.

This kind of thing has happened frequently when weve had problems. Its bad enough when Im not depressed but right now its unbearable.

I just need to feel that I can ask for some space, (Distance and space is terryfing for her because of the abandonment issues she has gone through, so she will behave in controlling or manipulative ways to make you do what she wants and to soothe the anxiety) or to be given the benefit of the doubt when Im struggling but I just cant communicate that to her without her taking offence. (You are walking on eggshells, this a relationship you shouldn't be in because you no longer feel comfortable and safe. Your anxiety and depression will get worst if you continue being with her, her own issues will make your life miserable)

I apologise if this may seem a little harsh.

Chances are your partner will not be changing their ways any time soon and their behaviour towards you is innapropriate. The only way to make it work (by what you describe in your post) is by changing the way you approach and handle her. But it will only be a temporary solution. Sooner or later you will find yourself back where you are now.

There may be other options that have not been discovered so please keep an open mind but remember that you deserve a fulfilling and happy relationship with yourself and others. :)