My relationship
Hi, so I've been in a relationship with my woman going on 2.5 years.
We have just had a Baby boy on 10/1019 who we named Colten. Prior to him coming into our family we had our baby girl Remingtin just one year earlier. Since finding out about her being expectant with colten in Feb of 2019 we havnt been very intimate and as of April we have yet to make love to date. She dont seem to care to much about my needs or wants when it comes to me wanting her in anyway. I mean I'm hurt daily because it's like she dont even think about kissing me in passing at home. We dont cuddle at night or well she dont cuddle I'll cuddle up to her at any point of time. But like when I do shes just there. It's not calming g or relaxing to me cause I want my woman to show interest in me and she rarely does anymore. I get with the pregnancy she may have not wanted to or been to tires or in pain and so forth. As I have 5 kids and 2 with her now I'm not insensitive to that fact. Our relationship early on was full of great love making. She will even say that's so (Intense passionate). But now I'm luck if I get a kiss a day from her and if I do it's me initiating the contact never her anymore. She makes me feel like shes no longer in love with me or interested in affection in a whole. Shes very beautiful!!! I'm madly in love with her and shes who I want to be with for the rest of my life. When I try and talk to her about how I'm feeling it turns into and argument. Basically she tells me its my fault. And for sometime now I've felt like I cant do anything right I her eyes. I'm constantly getting crap from her. Look I'm a man and I love my woman and I want to make love to her. So I've been extra careful about picking and choosing my battles. So I'm always tryn to go that extra mile with her so shes not mad at me about anything. I've been th et ough the stage that she said that sex is all i want. Well it's been 7 months give or take and we haven't made love or had and kind of sexual relationship. I dont cheat and dont have no interest in other woman just her. So how am I a sex addict. I cant even masturbate cause all I think about is her. And that angers me.
Any advice on how I can make a change to my current circumstances would be greatly appreciated.
@RobbyDobb22
Hello there!
Wow.. that sounds like you are really dealing with alot of feelings right now and for quite some time...
First and foremost, this is VERY common in relationships. More common than one might know or believe. But it is. Some may even say that they could've written this themselves.
The first thing, while I'm surely know expert on relationships, but as an outsider looking in, and having been with my own spouse for over 20 years, ... it could be several things. Lets first start with "Connection" .... It seems that maybe the two of you have lost some connection with one another. Having two children (babies) so closely apart can surely affect intimacy in the relationship when there is so much going on, and most of your time is probably tending to the needs of your young ones.
You start to get into a habit of putting them first and taking care of their their needs that you forget to take care of your own. And sometimes relationships fall into a "Rut" because of it.....
Next, have you both really taken the time to sit down and talk with one another about your feelings. I mean really talk. Talk to each other about what you are truly feeling. About one another, about your relationship, about your needs and your true feelings?...... It might be time to do that. What about a "DATE NIGHT"? Have you perhaps tried to set up a date night, with time away from the kids to where its just the two of you alone? Spending quality time with one another? That might be your next step...
To take it a little further, (one thing that tends to help my relationship and "freshen" it up a bit) is to take a little "get-away"!.. It doens't have to be far!... Maybe to the next town, or a nearby beach, or a cabin in the mountains, ...whatever it is that you enjoy... Even if you have a "Spa" resort near you, .... perhaps if you are in a good financial place that you could afford to do this for even just "one or two" nights. It would be a really great gesture, to take this time out. Find a sitter, go away just the two of you. Spend the night alone together and "Re-connect" with each other. Do the things that you "both" enjoy doing together before having two small children. While your away, grab a romantic dinner..(it doesn't have to be anywhere fancy) just at your favorite eatery or something like that)... take a walk along the beach, take a stroll through the mountains, take a drive and check out a place you've never been to.......... .WHATEVER it is... find something you both will enjoy, and "REFRESH, RECHARGE, RE-CONNECT" Together!
Sometimes that is all you need to become aware of how important you both are to one another, and reconnect on a different level in a different place without all the same things around you everyday taking up your time, mind, thoughts and focus!
I know that I for one, am NOT the same person when I go away, that I am at home each day, staring at the same 4 walls doing the same old thing, the same old day -to-day routines!......... Getting away for a day or 2 or 3 is enough to make me feel like a whole new person. And recharges me for when its time to return. But........ it surely helps me and my spouse to get in touch with one another and only focus on each other!.. Not work, not home life, not whatever it is that is taking our focus away from one another.
Perhaps starting there.... starting small.... and making a few minor changes is all you need. (Want to go smaller... Simply find a baby sitter for a night out, OR.... Even a "night in". Plan a nice dinner, some candle-light make your home into a special retreat... bubble bath, candles etc....)....It doesn't have to be costly!
Lastly, if you try these things, and they just don;t seem to help, then maybe it could be time to talk to a counselor/therapist who can help you both get in touch with your feelings about your relationship to help you sort through them and work them out!
Best of Luck to you both! I truly mean that. Please keep in touch and let us know how things are going with you both!
@PoliteOcean
Thankyou so much for your thoughts and input. It does feel helpful to hear that my relationship isnt as obtuse as all the many relationships people have. Your deffinatly right about us not being able to spend much quality time together now that we have another baby in the home. I just want to be on the same page together,working together to break down all barriers in our wake. I wish she would stop thinking so much about things that I literally dont know where such thoughts trickle in from. We use to be so communicative to one another. Talking on the phone for hours when I would be out of town working. Always quick to share the things that bothered us. There are so many different things that I wish I could just set straight in her mind. I've learned a lot about her moods these past 6 months. She dont tell me when shes feeling any kind of way about us. She actually says nothing to me. She will even make it a point to not kiss me back when I walk in the door from work and I have no idea where shes coming from as things are fine when I leave. She can watch something on TV or have a conversation with a friend concerning her friends life or relationship and it's like she tells herself that's us. He's doing these things. No matter my actions or what she knows her mind will take control of her thoughts. Which I feel have gotten in the way of her being happy.
@RobbyDobb22
Have you talked to her about this? Have you brought up to her your feelings (about what you've been observing over the past 6 months)? Maybe she doesn't realize that she's doing it? Maybe she needs some reassurance about some things in her own life? Either way, (since this is one sided and I have only heard your side of it).... From what you are saying, it sounds like she has some barriers up for some reason. Maybe she feels stuck in some kind of "rut" of her own, that has nothing to do with you?.... The thing about it is, is that without talking and communicating on it some more, you aren't going to know or find out. There has to be a way to communicate and listen to one another. Not just listen, but also "Hear" what is being stated to each other.
It obviously sounds like you are really in love with her, and really want this to work out or you wouldn't be here. I mean how many guys tend to reach out for support in their relationships. Its usually us females that do! So, my heart kind of breaks for you to a point, because I can tell that this whole situation really "pains" you.
The first thing in a relationship is 'always' communication. There has GOT to be communication, or there simply is no way to move forward in a "healthy" way with one another. You know?... Other than suggesting what I have up above, things to try, the only other thing I can mention is a mediator of some sort? A common, mutual person between you both that can sit down with you to hear both sides?.... But even that might not go far if she is unwilling to open up at all... .But, perhaps she would if its just the "two" of you, "alone" together, without anyone else around.... BUT... it would have to be somewhere different. Not in your day to day space. Like maybe take a walk, find a nice place to go where you can just be alone together and talk on a different "turf".
Hey there!
I have moved your post to the RELATIONSHIP Subcommunity here at 7cups in the "Share your Story" section so that you can also continue to get even more help and possibly more in depth support from others who share in your experience as well! Continued best wishes to you.
