Navigating anger, resentment

@galfromaway

I was in this situation in reverse--I was the one needing more support from my husband, who was always preoccupied with his work and his daughter (we're a blended family). I became angry and resentful from (what felt like to me) him not making me or our relationship a priority. Counseling helped me figure out what I needed from a relationship, and ultimately helped me decide to leave him because he's not able/willing to give what I need.

I say this not to scare you that he's going to leave, but to emphasize a few things I learned:

1. Your relationship has to be a priority. That doesn't mean that work, etc. aren't important, but you both always need to find time for each other and be fully present for each other.

2. You both need to figure out and communicate what you need to feel loved. Figuring out your primary love language helps with this, especially when you know what you absolutely can't live without and what your partner can't live without.

3. You both need to be vulnerable with each other about your hopes/disappointments without fear of the other's reaction. You need to work through problems and find solutions that work for both of you. You both need to be able to apologize and own when you messed up, without trying to blame the other, with the goal of improving your relationship in the future.

@galfromaway

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

My husband and I have been going through a very rough patch this past year. He had some serious problems at work earlier this year, and was struggling a lot. (I can tell he doesn't know how to cope with stress and anxiety well, so often times he will either shut down or seek other negative coping mechanism) During this time he really needed me to be strong for him and be his support, but I wasn't able to - I was going through my own work issues, and my anxiety was flaring up. (Its understandable why it wasn't easy for you to be there for him. Supporting and helping others can be quite tough when we are going through things, so its normal you had a hard time showing support) Plus I honestly did not know how to be his strength. (This can be an indication he didn't know how to communicate to you in what way he wanted your support, and theres a chance his behavior made it even more difficult to be there for him)

While I was away helping my family deal with my uncle's passing, he said he realized how much tension there was between us, (This can be sign he wasn't feel the connection between you two, which could be why he was saying something like this. They are things you are both doing that are causing distance between the two of you) and that he needed time and space to figure out if he wanted to be in our marriage anymore. (This is the typical line of someone who has unreasonable expectations that a marriage/relationship should make them feel a certain way and meet the unmet needs a parent didn't give them. He is pretty much shutting down, and not looking for a way to find a solution) No timeline - he needs to see I'm doing everything I can to deal with my anxiety, (I get the impression he is blaming your anxiety, when in reality you are both playing a part in how things are going. Your anxiety comes from stress, not feeling understood, and not loved. He doesn't have the communication skills to understand whats going on, and he doesn't even understand himself) and he also needs time to sort out what's going on with him.

When we were seeing a counsellor years ago, she warned him that I needed to learn how to stand on my own two feet or eventually he'd come to resent me. And had he not gone through what he went through at his work, maybe we would be going along as we had been. (It would have lead to the same result)

He's been angry and frustrated with me, and I know it's out of my control or influence. (I would really think about this. He has all this anger and frustration, but didn't take the time to tell you what his needs and boundaries are. I wouldn't be surprised if he has this mindset of "oh she should know how i feel", so resentment builds because of how he is choosing to handle things) But it's also triggering my anxiety and self-doubt. (Its understandable you feel this way, its like you are doing the best you can to help, but it just feels like his behavior is not making you feel like its enough. I can also tell that perhaps as a child you had family members who was often mad and resentful, which could be why your anxiety triggers) I do try to look after him a bit, (In here I can tell you are trying to do this role of taking care of him in the same way they didn't take care of you) which causes him to snap at me, (This is a sign he had a mother or father who often force their way, told him what to do all the time and didn't let him make decisions. Trying to be there for him is triggering him (not your fault), and he snaps you because of his attachment trauma) and i'm trying to back off with that. (Which I nee to be doing anyway, changing how I look after him and my daughter) I'm walking on eggshells, worried that he's going to yell at me because I did something "wrong." (His behavior is not making you feel loved, comfortable, safe and understood. The way he is showing you is killing the safety of the marriage, and will make you feel disconnected. He is showing some manipulative and controlling traits. He also showing irritability and lack of emotional maturity. I can also tell you were yelled a lot growing up, so this will play a part in your anxiety)

So looking for support and suggestions on how to navigate things. (Its hard to do really do something when all he does is snap at you, back away, blame you and then he expects you to know things. He is a difficult person to deal with) the tension sucks, and I don't want to act like nothing's wrong, (You shouldn't, his behavior is one of the main reasons your anxiety is flaring up a lot because it doesn't feel safe being around him) but I also need to find a way to manage my anxiety when his anger and frustration triggers me. (His anger and frustration would make people feel distant and not safe around him, so its normal the way you feel. I think your past childhood often takes over, but he needs to be able to manage his anger without taking it out on you. He is behaving in an unhealthy way)

I'm talking to EAP counsellors, he'll be talking to one next week, and I start local counselling in the new year.

A bit of an update.

Husband is visiting his dad in another province this week - taking time to figure out what "broke" in him over the last year... how much of what's happening has to do with a previous abusive work situation (asshole boss and his confidence was shot. add to that a major problem at work this time last year, and a less than supportive boss here, along with lots of transitions within the leadership team), our existing issues, and stress affecting his health, and there's a lot that's been going on with him.

I'm working on my anxiety by working through an ACT anxiety workbook and doing some self-compassion/self-soothing work (have always relied on others for support and never learned how to support myself - and I'm 48 years old ). I'm angry that he's been able to take some time to sort himself out... not that he didn't need the time and space, but more because I'm our daughter's primary caregiver and I want to have some time to myself. Haven't had a lot of that in the last couple of months because he's been so withdrawn.

Still no clear answers - he wants to figure out if there's more to our problems than just our issues, and how much outside factors are affecting him - before he decides what he wants to do regarding our relationship.

I hate being in limbo, and in a bit of an information void. But I'm not pushing him to talk to me right now, and am limiting any contact with him to him video visiting with our daughter. She had a bit of a meltdown last night, crying and missing daddy. First time in a few days.

Guess that's it. No news is good news?