Need Advice Please
My boyfriend and I dated for 3 years. We broke up for a year. Now weve been with each other for 7 months again. Everything was good at first. Now things have gotten pretty rough.
While we were broken up, I became really good friends with two girls. One of the girls is married to my boyfriends former friend (the friend took my side in the breakup and they stopped hanging out together).
At first my boyfriend was cool with me still hanging out with them, but now hes not. He thinks one of the girls is a slut and he cant stand when he sees pictures on social media of us because he says that makes him think of me as a slut too. I told him Im my own person and he shouldnt degrade me like that.
I think hes bitter about me hanging out with the wife of his former friend because it bothers him they dont talk anymore.
Now hes saying I need to choose between him or these friends because hes never going to be okay with it. I told him I dont want to lose him or them. They had my back during the break up so why should I turn my back on them.
He also is telling me to get off of social media. I explained that I moved to a town for him and still want to communicate with family and friends back home. He said I need to for sure delete friends he doesnt like on there then. Im 26. Hes 33.
Losing him gives me anxiety and I cant imagine not being with him, but this whole thing is unfair and hes not seeing my side of it.
@Kams2018 He's exhibiting signs of abusive behavior. Trying to cut you off from friends and family, telling you to end friendships, getting off of social behavior.
You'll be better off without him. He'll cut you off from the world more and more if you let this continue. Run away. Leave.
@ReadBooksDrinkTea
Thank you. This is what everyone is telling me. I just dont know how to do it. I dont want to be with anyone else and I dont want him to be with anyone else. I have such an unhealthy attachment to him and leaving him gives me so much anxiety. When he tries to end it, it feels like my world is ending.
I know hes really hurt and sensitive about his friend but I feel like he shouldnt be taking it out on me.
@Kams2018 I hear you. But unless he's able to set aside his feelings about his friends and what you choose to do with your time and friendship, this is simply manipulaitve and isolating.
I know the unknown can be scary. But right now, I do think a lot of people would tell you that this is very unhealthy and it could end very badly for you and maybe for him too.
There is someone else out there for you, someone who is better. You deserve that person.
@ReadBooksDrinkTea Thank you so much ❤️
@Kams2018 I totally get what your saying about the unhealthy attachment and feeling like your worlds ending when he tries to leave you. Im going thru a simiar thing with my bf who I found out has been cheating on me, I love him so much that the thought of not having him in my life feels worse than knowing he hasnt been faithful to me, its a constant battle between my brain and heart, my brain tells me Im pathetic for wanting him but my heart wants him so badly is so anything to keep him. My advice would be to stand your ground on your friendships and social media though, thats unfair of him to ask, He sounds very jealous and controlling.
@Tt1024. Thank you so much! Im so sorry that youre going through stuff too. I know its really hard but I would walk away from a cheater. Once a cheater, always a cheater because it puts an end to trust in a relationship. Everyone says ending it is the worst part and then it gets better from there
@Kams2018
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
At first my boyfriend was cool with me still hanging out with them, but now hes not. He thinks one of the girls is a slut and he cant stand when he sees pictures on social media of us because he says that makes him think of me as a slut too. (That's very rude and abusive of him to say, this does shows how little respect he has for you as a person and as a woman. He doesn't like when you hang out with her, he gets mad and then gets abusive on an effort to make you do what he wants)I told him Im my own person and he shouldnt degrade me like that.
I think hes bitter about me hanging out with the wife of his former friend because it bothers him they dont talk anymore. (That's true, he took it personal when they stopped talking to him)
Now hes saying I need to choose between him or these friends because hes never going to be okay with it. (He is being controlling and manipulative here by putting you against the wall to make a choice. He is behaving selfish and wants his way with you by making you choose. A loving and caring partner would never put you in this position because they really care about your happiness, your boyfriend only cares about how he feels) I told him I dont want to lose him or them. They had my back during the break up so why should I turn my back on them. (You should choose them over him)
He also is telling me to get off of social media. (He is behaving controlling here, he wants you to get off social media so he feels better about himself, and not thinking about what you want) I explained that I moved to a town for him and still want to communicate with family and friends back home. He said I need to for sure delete friends he doesnt like on there then. (This is another sign of being controlling, after this he will attempt to control even more aspect of your life because of his fears and insecurities) Im 26. Hes 33.
Losing him gives me anxiety (This tells me your happiness and well being revolve around him). and I cant imagine not being with him, but this whole thing is unfair and hes not seeing my side of it. (He won't see your side because he is mostly focus on how he feels)
@freshLight64 Thank you! I told him I wasnt agreeing to this. He said he would find someone better than me who would. I left, then I went back stupidly because he called and wanted me to come back again. We tried making things work for a few days, then another fight happened and its all been falling to pieces again
Hello there.
I'm sorry to hear that things are not going so well at the moment. I think it's great of you that you reach out here.
In my opinion, a partner should always be supportive of friendships. Friendships in every way are so important for your wellbeing. Unless there is a truly severe reason, I would never try to cut my partner's connection with his friends. It seems controlling, manipulative and not really mature to me. This is not a healthy foundation for a caring and loving relationship.
Maybe you can try to have an open conversation about this whole topic again? Maybe if you tell him in detail what friendships mean to you, what he means to you and why he doesn't have to be scared or worried when you spend time with these friends he can understand you better? You could also ask him what exactly makes him feel so uncomfortable with these friends and if there is any way you can help him feel better about it? In general, I think it is a good idea to try to be understanding even when you clearly think the other person is the one who needs to work on himself.
The tricky thing here is, that you should also show him your boundaries and don't let him decrade you. Mutual respect is such a crucial part in every relationship.
After all, you have to take your decision. This may take a while and cause pain.
Remember we are here to help you no matter what your decision is :)
Hope this helped you in any way. Wish you all the best!
@generousLand1234 Thank you! I agree with what you said. I told him I wasnt doing any of those things. He accepted that and still wanted to be. We got into another fight now though and are taking a break. That is frustrating too because the break was his idea and now Im just kind of waiting to see what happens.
Well Dear one, see this break as a blessing as disguise. As you have read over the helpful hints here, I think you can see a pattern that points to no good ending -so just take this as an ending oppertunity. Than your stars that is wasn't more difficult that "his idea". Reach out to others who love you and that you trust. Don't even think of rebounding to another relationship yet until you have had time to grieve the loss and make peace with yourself. We all agree from what you said- move on, don't look back, don't feel guilty. It WILL get better- we promise.