Need relationship advice
Hi, hope someone can help me with my issue.
Here's the story.
Me and my boyfriend has been together for nearly 3 years now, but i broke up with him early this year (2018) as i was feeling depressed and suicidal where it got to a point i was only able to sleep holding a knife.
My bestfriend took me on holiday and said to forget about my troubles, but even then i was still not feeling well and i decided to break up with my bf because he was also one of the reasons why i was depressed. After breaking up with him i got drunk and kissed someone, after months of the break up i felt like the need to throw myself away so i let those who wanted to take advantage of me take advantage because i didn't feel like i had anything to lose.
We got back together after months of broken up and i am showing him i am trying my best to change for breaking him that way, but he still brings up that i broke up with him to kiss someone and whenever i talk to my friends that i met on holiday he would accuse me of flirting with them even though i wasn't.
I've been losing sleep and started to be paranoid and anxious again because of it and it tears me up inside that he says he trusts me but in reality he is just accusing me of being flirty with other guys he doesn't know and think i will sleep with them.
What do i do? I am trying my best not to fall back into those dark days i experienced but i know i am slowly slipping into it and i can't stop it, i keep thinking maybe i should just break up with him since he doesn't trust me but i love him even if he broke me again and again.
Have you explained to him the reason for the breakup was your depression? I think the reason he keeps bringing it up could be because he's hurt and he's afraid you'll leave him for another guy. I've experienced something similar and I was so badly hurt by the fact that the person I cared about could be interested in someone else. Someone "better' than me. I hated myself because I thought I wasn't good enough and that I was a second choice. I brought it up for a long time and I kept getting told I was crazy. I was completely devastated, and it still hurts.
I can also understand your side of it. I know from experience how feeling low and worthless and sad can lead to letting horrible things happen. I'm sorry you had to go through that and I'm sorry someone took advantage of you in that state.
I think if you really love him and want to be with him, you should give him time to heal and see if things improve for you before making that decision. Maybe it is just his hurt and fear talking right now. Explain to him how much he means to you and that you didn't mean to hurt him. Make sure he knows that you are doing your best and you will never hurt him like that again. I really hope everything works out for you.
@independentJackfruit4590 hi, thank you. I did explained to him why, but there would still times when he'd bring it up and it makes me think should i stay or leave as it feels like he doesn't trust me and he used to mention a lot of other girls and compliment them i front of me and it makes me think does he really want to be with me why doea he do it. I told him it hurts me and for him to stop he would just say okay and do it again.. i am also his first gf so that scares me, because what if he finds someone else better or falls inlove with another.. i get really paranoid with it and i can't help it, sometimes because of the way i think i would randomly start arguments and it always makes me feel bad because i can't stop how i feel and i don't know how to.
Hi, I know this is a late reply but Id just like to put my best input. I have a lot of trust issues too. When I was young, I was raped. Ive had many people make promises to me and break them. In your boyfriends case he has a fear that you might leave him. Put yourself in his shoes and think about the situation as if you were him and he was you. I promise you that putting yourself in someones shoes helps a lot in understanding a situation. Also remember that you broke up with him. When you broke up with him he was heartbroken. You kissed another guy ( not shaming you ). That hurts to see someone you love kiss another person. You should sit him down and have a mature conversation with him. Explain why you broke up and the situation with the other guy ( even if you already said it ). Point out his trust issues to him. Sometimes we dont see an issue or a bad trait we have until someone point it out to us. Now, have a conversation and ask him why. Of course it has something to do with the other boy but sometimes it can be something deeper on top. Now, talk about your mental health isssues with him. You two can help each other with your issues. You have to grow as a unit and a couple. Observe if he has grown or is growing. If only one of you is growing then it wont work. Also mention to him about what he had to do in causing or increasing your depression. That gives him even more of an understanding. Wish you and your relationship the best of luck.
I read your responses to other replys and thought that it was important to tell you that while your at the process of building your relationship back up, dont lose your happiness and your confidence. If I was you Id use the advice I told you and if it doesnt work, leave. I know that might hurt you to read but trust me it hurts me to write. Ask yourself this question, how can he complain to you about kissing another boy but flirts with other girls ? You sound like a sweet person and I bet you without even seeing your face that your beautiful. Dont put yourself in a negative situation because you love somebody. I used to do that and it made me feel horrible about myself. Ill tell anybody and everybody this, go focus on you and clear your mind so you can decide what to do about the situation. At the end of the day we all could give you advice but its up to you to listen and make YOUR own decision. Give him time to think too. Let him see if this is what he wants. Just take a short break and then you two should sit down again and discuss your decisions and what youve learned. I think this would be good for both of you. Let him understand that this is not a break up. Please keep me updated on how it goes. Again, I hope that your relationship gets better.
@brightPlane3692 thank you, sorry if my reply is late. I did have a sit down with him and told him if he cannot give me another chance by trusting me again i will leave. I know i made a big mistake i admit it, what i feel is i am also afraid to be left alone because everyonr who promised me they would stay all left and i am afraid that one day it will happen again. My self defence is kicking in whenever i try to open up because i am so afraid of that happening, but i also need to understand his situation. We both had a tough upbringing and i want to be there for him, i promised myself that even if we don't end up together i will do my best to keep pushing him to achieve his dreams and make sure he is happy. He became my reason to keep working hard not just for myself but for my family too. I regret doing that mistake, but at the same time i felt like it was needed for him to realise that i am seriously hurt by what he was doing (back then) he changed his waya now, but i know its hard for him not to revert back to his old ways. For now i will see where it takes me and go with the flow, i am afraid of being left behind again but i know its not the end of the world. Again thank you for your advice, i will keep it in mind to sit down and have a talk with him about it... he should know what i am going through too because he has gone through it before (depression - he was on pills for 3 years) ❤
@Smallpandi
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
Me and my boyfriend has been together for nearly 3 years now, but i broke up with him early this year (2018) as i was feeling depressed and suicidal where it got to a point i was only able to sleep holding a knife.
My bestfriend took me on holiday and said to forget about my troubles, but even then i was still not feeling well and i decided to break up with my bf because he was also one of the reasons why i was depressed. After breaking up with him i got drunk and kissed someone, after months of the break up i felt like the need to throw myself away so i let those who wanted to take advantage of me take advantage because i didn't feel like i had anything to lose.
We got back together after months of broken up and i am showing him i am trying my best to change for breaking him that way, (This shows you are doing the best you can on your part to make things work) but he still brings up that i broke up with him to kiss someone (This is a sign of insecurities, it seems like the breakup really hurt him) and whenever i talk to my friends that i met on holiday he would accuse me of flirting with them even though i wasn't. (This are false accusations on his part, he has trust issues and now feels like you would flirt with others. This is going to create problems, because his issues will cause a strain on this relationship)
I've been losing sleep and started to be paranoid and anxious again (Its quite tough dealing with his accusations, specially when they are hurting you and making you feel disconnected) because of it and it tears me up inside that he says he trusts me (I think he doesn't, this probably comes more from his childhood than what happened with you) but in reality he is just accusing me of being flirty with other guys he doesn't know and think i will sleep with them. (I can tell what he fear the most is losing you, so if he sees you with a guy or even talking with him will trigger an emotional meltdown or an imaginary abandonment, so then he will start throwing accusations your way which will push you away)
What do i do? (Quite frankly? he needs to really seek a therapist to help him deal with his issues because they will only get worst from now on)I am trying my best not to fall back into those dark days i experienced but i know i am slowly slipping into it and i can't stop it, i keep thinking maybe i should just break up with him since he doesn't trust me (Thats what you might need to do if he doesn't change) but i love him even if he broke me again and again.