Never had long-term relationships, concerns

@confidants720, I think what @toughTiger6481 wrote is well thought out and said. I would think/reflect on what they have said.

As for my experience, what I want to share with you is that… my sis and I have been neglected as children and we have different views on relationships. She thinks it’s scary and doesn’t see the benefit of it (so she’s similar to you and avoids relationships). But it also depends on her mood, there are times I catch her “drifting” in thoughts and she wonders of how wonderful it might be to have someone love her the way she wants to be loved. So in a way, she’s scared of being vulnerable to someone, finds any reason to self-sabotage, and is attracted to people who fits her negative cycle (so this becomes a self-fulfilled prophecy). As for me, I see relationships as a part of life and a challenge / fear that I’m trying to conquer. So where she’s running away from it, i’m running to it. I have a very difficult time with my emotions (unable to regulate it, unable to express it, unable to feel them, unable to identify with them, etc). So it’s… an ongoing battle for me. On my bad days, I question whether I’m capable of a relationship… but all I know is that I have to keep going. The more I run towards it, the more I learn about myself. In the end, I think that’s more important than anything because it’s the way for me to begin to love myself.

As for putting a time or age limit on relationships, everyone is on their own schedule / journey. I used to worry about being seen as “too old” and not having experienced a long-term relationship (disclaimer: I’m now in my first long-term relationship). When I reflect on this some more, I realized that there isn’t a reason or a need to rush myself to be in a long-term relationship because I was never going to have a child of my own. This freed me from my biological clock and societal expectations and gave me a sense of freedom. now I view it as having my entire lifetime to figure this out. Some people will go through 5+ unsuccessful relationships to find a person worth fighting for. Some people will find their person to fight for on the first connection. Some people find it in their teens. Some people find it in their middle age. I’ve heard many love stories across the board. There is no wrong and there is no right. I’ve also come to realized that we as human beings evolve every single hour and day. So one may not feel the need of a long-term relationship right now and that’s okay. One may also feel differently tomorrow or even 10 years from now and that’s okay too.

I hope you find clarity on your feelings of relationships. 💕

Hi @toughTiger6481, thanks so much for your thoughtful reflection and suggestions.

I think you know why you cut off relationships early...

Maybe afraid of getting hurt or perhaps more of looking for the perfect situation ...or you want it to all click asap as you feel maybe you are getting older. all of these can be present .... love without risk of hurt does not exist / there is NO perfect except in rom- coms/ relationships take real time.

Fear is one of the biggest factors behind why I haven't entered into any long term relationships. My parents fought quite a bit when I was an adolescent and I don't recall any instance of them resolving or healthily making up after fights. The fights tended to peter out. The worst would be them pretending to make up, smiling and singing, and resume shouting after they thought I was away. When I found them arguing again I felt a horrible sensation in my gut that I now identify as an oily combination of despair, disappointment, fear, disgust and hatred towards my father, and sadness. To be fair, the issue my parents fought about likely need trusted outside help to resolve. They fought most often over the topic of a health organization that my father was a part of as a member. He was essentially indoctrinated. To attend their health events, he would pay the attendance fees of ~$350 per person (so in a family of four, with four events per year, $5600 per year) on behalf of all of us, regardless of whether we wanted to attend or not. While not obligatory, there was strong social pressure within the organization to attend. My mother hated his doing this but he wouldn't budge, causing most of the bitter arguments. I admire my mother for standing up to his/their nonsense to protect the family and finances, but the resulting arguments were severely unpleasant and unhealthy for both parents. Both fought so hard to not give an inch but we always went in the end (at least there was a nice dinner at the end of these events). So honestly, I am likely afraid of encountering abusive interpersonal relationships as, from my experience, both parties never seem to be able to listen or communicate, let alone resolve their issues.

You say those you are attracted to are not attracted to you ........ and those whom find you attractive you are not interested in.... can you put thought into that ?

Perhaps this feeds into my fear of intimate relationships, so I may date people I am unattracted to so there would be less chances of me continuing the relationship. That could be a reason. I am not sure.

i think we all have preferences of who "our type" is.... sometimes our perfect match comes in a different person then we were searching for. I have seen many people miss out/ and remain lonely on what could have been great .............because they chose to keep searching for the picture in their mind instead of really seeing the real possibility of a person right in front of them.

I had opportunities to date nice people, but I had not matured enough to see them as partners. It was like my physical self was aged 20 while my relationship-self was aged 10. I wish she'd mature a bit faster! Additionally, I had little sense of self - of my appearance, strengths, weaknesses, etc, and that combined with my health issues and family baggage I was working through, caused me to miss those people. The good thing is that now I should essentially try out any relationship because I may look back in the future and scold myself then. What do you think?

I found out in life i have met 2 wonderful men and both at first were not what i thought was attractive to me...... but their charm /warmth/ humor / interests and the way they made me feel .........it took time but i love them both deeply.

I'm happy to hear that you've met truly wonderful people and had fulfilling times with them! I agree, and I should learn to compromise. Because I work remotely and am taking university courses as an older student, it's been very difficult to meet men. Furthermore, my friendship circle is also small at the moment, and the culture of introducing singles to one another is nonexistent.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post :)