Not sure what to do
Hi everyone, I’m new here. Me and my wife have been a rocky road for the last few weeks. Last night we had a argument that made her want to pack a bag and leave. She didn’t. We continued with the conversation today. She says I’m gaslighting the situation. We was having the same issues last year. And said if we got to this point again that our marriage would be over! I need any kind of help I can get so that I can change and be a better person. I refuse to just give up. I worked long and hard to find someone worth spending my life with. And I don’t want to watch it drive away. Most of the issues are my fault. I can’t find happiness in the smallest things. And that’s a problem. With us having a 4 month old daughter. Everyday I should be happy. But it’s a struggle I fight. I love my wife and daughter. But I don’t love myself. I know they both deserve a better man as a husband and father. And all I want is to become that man!! I’m just at a lose of words and actions I can do to show her that I’m the man she fell in love with. I would love yo hear any advice and stories anyone has that can help me. Have a wonderful day!
Hi! I'm sorry this is happening to you but I'm willing to listen 😁
Talk to her like you talked about it here. Tell her of your worries,tell her you are unhappy,accept your mistakes and tell her you'll work on it,and tell her you want her by your side on your healing journey,That would be my advice.
As a wife who is in a similar situation. I may be able to give some insight on what could help. Like another comment said, tell her just like you said it on here.
Most importantly, try looking into emotional intelligence and communication. It wouldn’t hurt to ready some books or watch some videos about interpersonal communication. It’s amazing what little things can help avoid the explosions and not push her away further.
such as: tone of voice, and not using attacking statements like “you did this” “you always that” “it’s YOUR fault” “well maybe if you just listened or maybe if you just whatever” if she is already feeling her flight instinct kick in, if she feels attacked in anyway, the argument is only going to escalate.
Instead you can try what is called “I” statements, “I feel as though..” “I felt hurt by…” “I want to be better at…”
Another thing is, when one of you is initiating a conversation, state the expectation: for example: “I have been having a hard time with ___, I really need someone to listen to me right now, I’m not looking for someone to solve my problems, or to blame you for anything, or to argue, I want you to hear me out and understand that I want things to get better”
I could go on and on, and of course these things are easier said than done? It takes time to get used to doing it and you have to actively think about it make sure you keep your emotions level during an argument. Not all conflict is bad, conflict is the gateway to understanding and new breakthroughs. Please look into these things, I think it could help. I wish my husband would do it, (working on it with him still) .