Partner liking someone else / trust issues??
Hi everyone
So it started off with my partner and his female coworker being friends. I work with them too so didn’t think much of it. But then later on my friend told me she saw my boyfriend on Snapchat, so I asked him “hey I saw you have snapchat now, when did you get it? I thought you hated it” and he said he got it because his female coworker asked if he had it, so he got it for her. Keep in mind he’s someone who hates social media and only really text messages people. It made me really uncomfortable and I expressed that but he brushed it over, and asked “what? would you rather me get her number instead?” so I just dropped it.
Time goes on and he’s texting her heaps when we are together and I catch her sending him hearts and stuff too. That’s when I get real uncomfortable and ask what he’s doing because coworkers don’t message each other this much and with hearts either. And he said they were just talking about a show but I didn’t really trust it at this point.
I end up making a few arguments with him because I felt so lost and alone because he just talked about her and to her, it was obvious to me that he was interested in her. And then he suddenly talked shit about her to reassure me, which didn’t really because to me it confirmed he liked her and is trying to convince himself.
Later on he stops talking to her and a few weeks later he confesses that he did have a crush on her, and that he cut her off because he started to think about her sexually and did stuff to the thought of her.. which made me extremely uncomfortable and betrayed. Like a major part of my trust has been broken from that.
Nowadays, they are in the same work area together so they’re talking a lot again but after everything that happened it makes me super uncomfortable that he’s wanting to talk to her a lot. So I tell him again it makes me uncomfortable that he’s being friendly with her again considering what happened in the past and he told me that he’s only talking to her as a coworker and it would be rude to be short with her or only have small talk. And then my sister (who also works with us) catches them walking alone in the car park together talking to each other - so he obviously still is ignoring my boundaries. And he said it’s because it would be rude of him to walk away with her, but when we walk together after work he always rushes off and leaves me behind which is what really got to me. It feels like he’s protecting her feelings and ignoring mine.
This female coworker also used to flirt heaps with my friends boyfriend who worked with us when she knew he has a girlfriend. Which is why I don’t really trust her either? But my friends boyfriend did set boundaries with her and stopped talking to her.
He also gets really mad and annoyed at me when I bring it up, but I can’t help but get anxious or obsess over her and the situation. Because it feels like I’m not being respected and my boundaries are being ignored. Meanwhile if a guy flirts with me or if I find another guy attractive I cut them off or just don’t talk to them at work or in texts. Because he feels uncomfortable with it.
How do I stop obsessing over this and feeling anxious? We all work together so I can’t keep arguing with my boyfriend over this especially when he’s made it super clear that it’s not possible for him to cut her off and that he will keep being friendly with her. And I cant keep coming in and out of work feeling upset and anxious either. What do I do?
I also trusted him heaps before this and didn’t care about female friends or coworkers but after this I keep worrying about it.. I want to trust him again but since he keeps breaking my boundaries with her I don’t know how I can..? We’ve been together over 3 years btw
May I know what is the ideal for you? What do you want your guy to do? Because I think possibly he also wants you to not worrying about her but well of course you would be anxious about it. She has a bad track record.
It is impossible for him to cut all contact with her bcz of them being co workers. But maybe you can guide him on what he should do, with no blaming or resentment. Talk to him calmly and with love. I believe he loves you so much as he could be honest about how he did developed crush over her. For me it sounds that he trust you so much to tell you such thing. I know it’s worrying to have a girl around your guy all the time, but what I think you could do is to tell him what you wish he could do regarding his over friendly attitude with the girl, and ask him what he prefers, then meet in the middle. Bcz in the end it is up to him to do it, so find ways that is practical to him and also make you feel better.
It must be so anxious to live in that kind of situation all the time. Like, you constantly feel threatened. Tells him you don’t feel safe in the relationship bcz of the girl and you want to feel safe with him (you deserve to feel safe), tell him HOW you could feel safe with him. If he cares about you he would put effort to make you feel safe with him bcz I think that’s the basic thing our love one should provide for us.. to feel safe in a relationship. Everyone need to feel safe to thrive.
Wishing you the best :) Happy new year ❤️
I have a similar situation and it really hurts and its hard to trust again. 💔
This is EXACTLY what I'm going through right now. It makes you feel so insecure and self conscious. I have been driving myself CRAZY over a year in this situation and I've tried EVERYTHING. I've tried talking with respect and love. Crying and begging. Screaming in anger. I've told him EXACTLY ehat I want and what I NEED from him and though it IS better than what it was, he's still making her an important part of his life while at work. And I find him still texting here and there outside of work. It's frustrating and heartbreaking. I'm so sorry someone else feels the same way I do. I also have no to talk to about it or get advise from. I wish you better luck than I.
I wish I had someone to tell me this so I want to say it to you, even though I don't know you....
You are SO much better than what he treats you like. You are beautiful and an amazing person just the way you are. Even if one day HE stops seeing it, don't ever let YOURSELF forget your beautiful and worth it! You are strong and so brave and you ARE important. ❤
Good luck.
@bubbleWalker833
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. I understand the way you feel, and it's quite normal to feel anxious, upset and hurt about your situation.
I truly believe his behavior revolves around denial, lying, deceitful, being selfish, dismissing how you feel, gaslighting, not respecting your boundaries, and he pretty much emotionally cheated. It's hard to feel safe in a relationship when the other person has been constantly lying, while not putting the relationship he has with you as a priority. This is also his way to keep you at a distance because he can't handle the emotional closeness a relationship brings.
I understand you love this person, but he has shown you he's not a good partner or a person. His behavior will constantly trigger you, and it will continuously hurt you. You deserve better than this, and hopefully you reach a point where you see he's not worth it.
@bubbleWalker833
I had a VERY similar experience, and lemme tell you, it doesn't look any good. However, I'm hoping the best for you. First of all, it doesn't give me good vibes that he gets mad when you try to talk about your feelings. Think about what would you do if you were in his place and what would you feel, what would be the way you'd like to approach a situation like this. To build a healthy relationship, serious, uncomfortable talks are needed, and he's not wanting to put his part. Don't prohibit him to talk to other girls or all this stuff, because now THAT'S toxic. But as long as you talk about your feelings in an emphatic careful manner, looking for solutions and working with yourself too, there's nothing wrong with feeling and talking with your bf about your feelings.
@starlyseed
Now, that's what I would've said without him previously admitting to you he had a CRUSH on her. That changes everything. I think you must not try to solve this relationship. He doesn't like when other guy flirts with you but he's completely fine having a crush with another girl he constantly talks to and actively flirts with? Not okay. It's understandable that we find other people attractive. But just THAT. Love is a thing that you choose everyday. If you're not gonna choose to respect the other person's boundaries then there's NO POINT on having a relationship like that. He might not have cheated on you, but he had a "small crush" on someone else. If he's dating you, he's supposed to be in love with you, not with someone else. You don't deserve this treatment. Please do not try to make it "work"
