Pressured into engagement
Hello all,
recently ive been feeling that my boyfriend is pressuring me into getting engaged shortly (within 6-8 months). We've been dating 2.5 years and I love him and see a future with him. But I am not done school and won't be for a bit (Im going into graduate school and won't be done for anther 4 years.
Marriage is really important to him and he tells me a lot about how he wants to celebrate our love and how the title "girlfriend" doesn't adequately describe our level of commitment or how much I mean to him.
I might someday want to marry him. But right now I don't. I know that this isn't because of him, it's because of where I am in life. I'm not ready to take that step. I still feel like a kid most of the time and want to live away from my parents (I have been able to live at home while attending university for the past four years).
I love him and don't want to hurt him or push him away. How do I help him feel like our label reflects us without being pushed into something I'm not ready for?
For context, Im 21 going on 22.
@OftConflictef
What things will change if the two of you change your status to 'engaged'?
Will the wedding need to take place shortly after the engagement? I know some people stay engaged for years...
Also, does he know how you feel about the whole situation?
@wonderousHeart14
honestly only small things would change. He would be able to sleep in the same bed as me at my parents house when we visit. HIM living with me in a year or two would be more normal.
Im not so much worried about changes beteeen me and him, but changes between me and my parents. My mom has been very supportive of me in my career aspirations. I'm worried that she would think that it would negatively impact my career goals and it would be flying in the face of all that she helped me build. I don't want there to be strain in our relationship because of an engament.
And we don't want to get married until 2-3 years down the road, we've talked about that in depth
@OftConflictef
If you could only chose one person to make happy (including youself) who would it be? You, your partner, your mother, someone else..?
If you had to choose. 😊
@OftConflictef It sounds like your mother's idea of an engagement comes with associations that aren't necessarily true for you - like you might alter your career path because you were engaged. Is this a conversation that you could have with her? Would she be open to hearing about what an engagement would mean to you and how it wouldn't change any plans you had for yourself?
If we take your parents out of the equation, would you still have any hesitation about getting engaged? If so, I know a promise ring is popular as a sort of "pre" engagement that symbolizes a deeper commitment than just regular boyfriend/girlfriend. I think it's very sweet that your boyfriend wants to convey the depth of your love for one another through another label, but just make sure that it is coming from a place of love and not insecurity. At the end of the day, the fact that you two love each other and choose to be together is the most important thing, regardless of how anyone else perceives your relationship or the labels associated with it :)
I'd just like to mention one thing: If you decide you don't wish to be engaged, and you sense he may pop the question in the near future- I would Tactfully make your thoughts clear. If he goes out and buys a $2,500 engagement Ring, gets down on one knee, and you say No... he will be DEVASTATED
I think you expressed your feelings very well in this post. Explaining it him in the same way might be enough for him to be understanding towards you. I believe it is never a good thing to do something we don't feel ready for especially something like getting engaged. This is something you want to do when it truly makes you happy I belief. You will find your way in this.
This could be a slippery slope if something isn't made clear to him now. He needs to respect your decision. Finishing school is important and so are your feelings. If he knows these things and still can't accept it like an adult then he's not even as ready as he thinks he is. In fact it's a bit of a red flag. If he can't respect your decision then he could feel like it's ok to pressure you into doing other things in the future.