Red flags??
Hi I’m a 39f and my partner of 8 years is 50m. We have had a rocky relationship, mainly my self doubt, trust issues but we worked our way through it.
recently he has had little to no sex drive and I’m the total opposite. But I put it down to getting older etc and accepted it.
recently he has started to ask about me as a teenager and what I did with others and to myself and wants details of age and full details of what I did. I thought it was just curiosity and just trying to find out more about me, but it turned him on.
for me I’m totally freaked out, I can’t grasp how this has interested him. My guard has shot up as I don’t think this is normal and I don’t know if I’m overreacting? It all feels so wrong…
Hello LovingWriter!
I can see this is a trying dilemma to go through and I can understand why it alarms you. It would alarm anyone in your situation. It could be that due to his lower drive he is trying to find out things to stimulate him, trying to wander in the extremes, if only to maybe carry him onto the normal until it stops being interesting for him.
It's very hard for people to pin down actual redflags, as you may have noticed yourself. You know him better than any of us. Why not try a couples therapy?
Thank you for the reply, we tried therapy but things always go back to how they were. I have also buried my head in the sand ALOT! It’s a LDR so it has been harder than normal but about 2 years ago I finally pieced together that his last relationship was with a girl who was only barely legal. There have been little things since and most recent conversation feels like it’s confirmed what I didn’t want to see. I’m not sure if I’m just writing this so I can physically see it written down. Make it real and not just a scenario in my head.
@lovingWriter7520
writing things down does clarify things and we all miss items that we simply do not want to see....
I think that is an issue he needs to deal with as to why after a previous successful (?) relationship he need some other sort of image to rev up his drive....
i have found that even with age/ health etc arousal and drive is far more attached to the mind then just other parts ...... maybe as with many older men they find young inspiring.......... because they are fearing aging. communication with you and facing his own issues would have been far better then making you feel weird about his turn ons....
Thank you for your reply, it hasn’t been a blissful 8 years, there has been the return of the ex and her mother at a separate times, tinder profiles. But I always took the blame some how.
I’m always the unimportant one and others come first. As for intimacy I had to beg, it was never freely given but there was just some excuse.
for me I just feel sick and I don’t know if I can move pass this anymore, I know I’m worth more but ultimately I have always gone with I love him, but now I think we are complete opposites and possibly even bad for each other.
@lovingWriter7520
Do NOT blame yourself .... Many people in similar situations .... who always try to appease or explain items away, feel it is somehow their fault....... It is all on him ....
you need to find your worth and decide what you want...
i have been in those shoes.... where someone else's issue was presented in a way to make me think it was me.....so i understand your position and having worked at keeping a relationship working and it is hard to call it as done.
Thank you and for not judging, my mind is blown completely. I don’t tell friends because I don’t want him badly thought of, I just get on with it.
honestly your reply’s are a boost in a somewhat screwed up mindset. I’m so glad I found this community 😊
